Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Finally, Some Truth About Celebrity Infertility

hollywoodThere’s been a lot of hoopla lately about celebrities coming out and “admitting” to their struggles with infertility. While I applaud their courage for speaking up, I can’t fail to notice that these confessions always seem to come after the arrival of the miracle baby or the successful adoption. It perpetuates the myth that “it will happen if you only keep trying.”

So, what a breath of fresh air it was to learn that actress Aisha Tyler had opened up on “The Talk” about her struggle with infertility and her decision to “stop putting [herself] through the torture of the hormone injections.”

Instead of sugarcoating her story and giving the kind of canned upbeat response we’re used to hearing, she told some hard truths:

“A lot of women are going through [infertility], and I feel like sometimes they are made to feel badly or ashamed—like ‘Oh, you’re not being hopeful, or you’re not being positive,” she said, in an interview for Glamour. “I just wanted women that were also in this stage to feel like they’re not alone and they’re not the only ones going through this. But also know that if you feel like, ‘Maybe this isn’t for me,’ then that’s an OK choice to make too. And you’re not a bad woman if you don’t want to put your body through this or wreck your finances because of it.”

I think this is the very first time I’ve heard this said on such a public forum, so kudos to Aisha for her courage to speak up. (And Aisha, if you’re reading this, we’d love it if you’d write a guest post. Just saying.)

Of course, I have to add that Aisha’s revelation wasn’t known to the show’s hosts beforehand and they were completely caught off guard. “I swear I thought Aisha was going to say she was pregnant,” said host Sheryl Underwood.

It seems we still have a long way to go to change attitudes about infertility, but this conversation feels like a step in the right direction.

Truth and Hope

Crossed fingersThe “hope” discussion surfaced again this week, when Pamela at Silent Sorority wrote an eloquent post about the dangers of misinformation regarding infertility.

Pamela brought to light the writings of another infertility awareness advocate, Julie, who criticized celebrity infertiles (now celebrity parents) Guiliana and Bill Rancic for publicly telling infertile couples, “If you stick with it and never quit, it will pay off.”

You can read what both Pamela and Julie have to say on the topic here.

I heartily agree that this kind of blind encouragement gives people a false sense of hope that infertility is always surmountable. There are enough of us here to shout that belief soundly down to the ground. I’ve written about this kind of “don’t give up hope” comment on this blog in the past and how paralyzing it can be to someone who doesn’t want to keep hoping for a miracle.

But what do you say instead?

I remember working with a young woman who was planning to start trying for a family. I can well remember calling on the wisdom of my experience and offering her my unsolicited, yet sage, warning that getting pregnant might not happen immediately. She got knocked up the next month and I ate crow. I hated that I hadn’t been more positive and could only paint for her the most dire of pictures.

But experience comes hard-earned and I bet Guiliana and Bill know that. It’s one thing to be positive and encouraging, but a little truth and reality can go a long way. Perhaps Guiliana and Bill would have done better to say, “Yes it worked out for us, and yes, we are among the lucky ones.”