Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Defending Our Honor

Last night I almost came to blows in defense of our collective honor. It was our last meal out on vacation and we were making it a good one–crisp tablecloths, fresh seafood, flowing wine–you get the picture. The restaurant had all but cleared out as I was sampling the delectable flavors of some homemade lavender ice cream, when I caught a snippet of conversation from the other remaining table.

“He’s very selfish,” said the man, “He doesn’t have children…”

As you can imagine, that caught my attention, so I craned my neck to hear more. Unfortunately I was too far away, but I did catch this:

“Yes, she hasn’t created the next generation. She has three step-children, of course, but that doesn’t count…”

Sisters, I was this close to marching over there and setting this bunch of old coots straight. How dare they assume this man didn’t have children because of his selfishness? How dare they suggest that this woman had an obligation to procreate to carry on some family line. How dare they suggest that raising someone else’s children isn’t a worthy role?

In the end, I decided these people were a lost cause, and that it wasn’t worth ruining my lovely dinner for the sake of their education. There are some people who just aren’t going to get it, no matter what. But I think that our generation is starting to understand and to value people for more than their ability to pop out heirs.

That having been said, when I walked past their table on the way out, you’d better believe I gave them my very best evil eye.

The Mommy Crush

A couple of years ago my husband and I went to see one of our favorite bands in concert, where they introduced their hot new drummer. I fell in love instantly, despite being old enough (just about) to be his mother.

It wasn’t the first time I’d developed a crush on a rock star, but this was different. I wasn’t overcome with the urge to tear off his sweaty shirt or ride off into the night on the back of his motorcycle; I wanted to take him home and make him a nice dinner. I wanted to sit around the kitchen table and hear stories of his tour. I wanted to be able to tell everyone how proud I was of my son. I was experiencing my first Mommy Crush.

It was a weird experience and it started happening more often. Whenever I saw a cute boy, any sexual desire turned off, and I just wanted to mother him! For me it was one of those big life turning points, when you realize you’ve graduated to a new stage in life.

The problem was, I already new I was never going to get that chance, and a whole new set of emotions came over me. I’d already moved past longing for a baby, but now I had to deal with the idea that I’d never have a child that I could nurture and whose natural talents I could encourage. I would never be the cool mom of a grown child I could be proud of. (I rationalized that I’d never have to bail my grown child out of jail or shoehorn him out of the house when he turned 30 and still didn’t have a job, but it really didn’t help.)

But I’m wondering, is it just me or is the Mommy Crush a common phenomenon? Have you had a Mommy Crush? Or am I just weird?

Finding Peace

After last week’s slump, I’ve been on the lookout for inspiration and uplifting posts, and I’m happy to report that I’m finding them. This particular one is from Christina Katz’s writing newsletter, but if you substitute “motherhood” for “writing, publishing, and self-publishing,” I think this post says so much about what we’re all trying to do here, which is to find a comfortable spot for ourselves in the world. She says:

Walking a few miles with our two dogs is always a great way to clear my head and get clear about the future I am envisioning.

I think there is a huge temptation right now to follow the crowd, to imitate what others are doing, and to just generally agree with the online opinionati.

But there is another choice.

You can read up on what people are saying right now about writing, publishing, self-publishing, and the world in general, and then you can run what you have read through the filter of your own instincts.

I don’t think individual instincts have ever been more important than they are right now.

The more confusing the times; the more important it is to follow your gut.

And if you go against the grain temporarily, don’t sweat it. The rest may come around eventually. And if they don’t, but you are on the right track, then who cares?

This last section especially spoke to me:

Other people’s choices and paths are not any of our business. And we have absolutely nothing to gain by blindly following the self-appointed leaders of the day.

But we have absolutely everything to gain when we commit to following our inner vision and then do just that.

It’s hard to tune out the siren song of motherhood sometimes, but we need to find ways to follow our own path and find our own peace.

As an aside, but worth mentioning, I discovered Christina Katz a number of years ago, when I bought her book Writer Mama: How to Raise Your Writing Career Along Side Your Kids. Oh the irony! But even though her book is geared towards Writer Mamas, I found her advice applied to Writer Non-Mamas, too. Maybe we’re not so different after all.