Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Reevaluating

thinkingWhen you realized you were never going to have kids, did you reassess your lives and make any big changes that you never would have made had you had kids?

I was asked this question recently and it caused me to stop and think. Much of the past five years has been spent healing, coming to terms with a life without children, and learning about myself again. And while I’ve done a lot of reassessing about the kind of life I want to live, I’m not sure much has changed.

When we thought we were going to have a young family, Mr. Fab and I had planned to buy a house in the neighborhood where we rent. The schools are good, and the city is family-friendly. But now we won’t be having children, that’s no longer a priority and we’ve talked a lot about where we’d like to live now that we’re free to live almost anywhere. Buying a house is no longer a priority. In fact we have our eyes on a sailboat instead.

But aside from that, not much has changed in the way we live. Much has changed in the way we thought we were going to live, but when I step back and reassess, life really has just gone as before.

Sometimes I think we feel pressure to do a major life overhaul when we realize we won’t have children, but is that true? Yes, I have more freedom to take opportunities and make changes, but after all is said I’m done, I’m still the same old Lisa and the things that were important to me before are largely still important to me now.

How about you? Have you made big changes now that your life won’t include children?

It Got Me Thinking…About Resolving Stuff

ResolutionsBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

As I get ready to embrace a fresh start this January—as I assemble my goals, state my intentions, dream, and plan for the months ahead—I’ve been thinking about how I might resolve some of my issues stemming from my journey to childfreeness, perhaps dissolve the last remnants of grief, and solve the mystery of what a beautiful Plan B might look like for me. Here are some of the tasks on my list:

  • Reconnect with my soul by walking a labyrinth. (Find one near you here.)
  • Talk to women at every level of the childfree path and share their stories on LWB. (More on this later.)
  • Visit various networking groups (for women business owners, crafters, or writers) until I find my local tribe.
  • Take a class in something that tickles my imagination, challenges my brain, and entertains my spirit—and has nothing to do with kids. (I’m exploring healthy cooking for two, French conversation, Taiko drums, and agility training with my two four-legged “kids.”)

There’s room on my list for other ideas, so I’d love to hear what you are planning for 2014.

Happy new year!

 

Freelance writer Kathleen Guthrie Woods feels humbled and privileged to be part of Life Without Baby’s community of extraordinary women. 

All I Want for 2014 is…

2014This is absolutely my favorite time of year. The madness (and sometimes, sadness) of the holidays is behind us and it’s time to look forward to a brand new year.

I love the New Year. I love making plans, taking a little time to do some walking and dreaming, creating a picture of what I want my life to look like the following year. I always set some pretty lofty goals and sometimes I even reach them! But the thrill for me is not in checking accomplishments off my list (although I enjoy that, too) but in taking a deep breath and realigning my life to how I’d like it to be.

Among the cards I received over the holidays were a several (I was surprised how many) photo cards from friends who are also childfree. I really enjoyed seeing their adventures and travels, and although I’ll admit to a touch of envy, I was also glad to see photographic evidence that these women had worked their way through their loss and grief and were living life to the fullest again. Their photos also prompted me to move some of my old passions (travel and hiking, for example) higher up my list next year.

If you’re in the thick of grief, looking ahead to a rosy future can feel impossible, and even when the healing begins, you can sometimes find that you’ve lost touch with who you really are and who you’d like to be again.

One of the most encouraging weeks during last year’s Road Map to Healing workshop was after we’d discussed the topic of finding yourself again. So many participants said they’d pushed aside old passions during the baby quest, and it was so fun to see all the amazing things people had once loved to do that were about to be dusted off again. Some people loved singing, reading, writing, traveling, even trampolining. Their ideas made me think about bringing some of my own former hobbies back into my life again. I’d like to encourage you to do the same.

If you’re thinking there’s no way you’re getting on a pair of rollerskates again, I suggest thinking about how your old favorite hobby made you feel; what was it about rollerskating (for example) that you loved so much. Is there a way to recreate those old feelings in a new hobby? If your rollerskates gave you freedom and if you loved the feel of the wind in your hair, can you get that by riding a bike or taking a long drive with the windows open?

As we step into this brand new year, I encourage you to think about the “you” that got lost and to look for ways to find her again.

If you’re still in the early stages of coming-to-terms and struggling to even keep moving forward some days, let alone think about having fun, consider joining me on the next Road Map to Healing later in January. The program is free and offers plenty of tools to work through some of the most difficult sticking points. If you’re not already on the mailing list, you can sign up here to receive more information when the program begins.

It Got Me Thinking…About Pure Joy

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

This video has absolutely nothing to do with being childfree. Or infertility, miscarriages, lost dreams, Plan B. It just made me smile for two minutes and 49 seconds, and I thought I’d share.

Watch it here.

A bit of background: The song is widely known as the “Cups” song from the movie Pitch Perfect (and if you love all those shows about a cappella singing groups, you’ll love the movie). 1,500 students and staff from a school in Quebec got together to perform this to set a new world record.

As I get ready to say “See ya!” to 2013 and “Welcome!” to 2014, I think we can all use a shot of pure joy, so here’s my contribution to the cause. (Share yours in the Comments.)

Have a safe and happy new year, dear sisters!

It’s not too late to grab your copy of Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, offering inspiration and encouragement for getting through the holidays. The book is available here on our site and on Amazon—and now just $4.95.

Merry Christmas

christmasDear Friends,

Although this part of the week is traditionally held open for Whiny Wednesday, in the spirit of the season, I wanted to turn it around and simply wish a Merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate and warm holiday wishes to those who don’t.

May this season bring you peace, love, and companionship. And may (most of) your Christmas wishes come true.

Warmest wishes to you.

~Lisa

Fear Not!

angelBy Nicole Hasenpflug         

My childhood Sunday school class had many boys, but only two girls: one petite, doe-eyed child…and me.  It was no surprise when, for the few years we were Christmas-pageant-aged, the other girl was chosen to portray Mary…every single time.  Too tall and awkward to be the mother of Jesus, I was the angel—also every single time.  I really wanted to have a turn at being Mary, but I did my best as the angel anyway.  I had the lines down from the first year, starting with, “Fear not! For behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy…”

On my bad days—and at this time of year there are a few—I’m sometimes bitter about the fact that I never even made the cut to play a mother in a church pageant.  “Mary” grew up to be a wonderful person and the mother of three adorable boys.  I don’t get to do that.  Always the messenger, never the mom.

On other days I think about my opening line: “Fear not.”  I chose my path as a teacher when I was still young enough for the tinsel halo, and I am now in my eighteenth year of teaching, in a school with many students in poverty and other tough situations. I spend a surprising amount of time saying, “Fear not,” or some variation, and then working to find ways to back what I’ve said and provide a bit of comfort, when often there is no easy fix.

I’ll never be a Mary, and I’m certainly not an angel, but delivering good news (and, once in a while, tidings of great joy) is a role I can grow into.

Nicole Hasenpflug has many adolescent musicians in her life—just not (usually) in her house.  She shares her home with her amazing husband and their two bunnies.

It Got Me Thinking…About Family Recipes

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I’m reading a story in the current edition of the Penzeys catalogue (learn more about the company and their spices here) about passing family heritage and traditions to new generations through cooking and baking together. Ethnic flavors, techniques, recipes, and stories get shared from grandmother to mother to daughter, and I’m again reminded of how much I miss being part of this cycle of love as I—as in holiday seasons past—am the lone cook at the counter.

Friends have suggested that I can mentor a niece or nephew, but robbing my sister or sisters-in-law of that privilege is unimaginable to me. So I cook for myself and my husband, I bake for parties and gifts, and I share recipes with friends. I try to not dwell on what I’m missing out on as I mimic my mother’s safe technique for chopping nuts and hear my grandmother’s voice in my heart as I carefully fold those nuts into hot fudge.

Although I don’t have a daughter to share with, I have you! So I am breaking tradition (but not breaking any family laws) and sharing with you the one recipe that says “Christmas” to me. As far back as I can remember, Gram’s Coffee Cake has been served on Christmas morning, alongside an egg-and-sausage casserole (a once-a-year “treat” for the arteries) and half-domes of grapefruit.

I don’t know the origins, I don’t own the copyright (and family members have published it in fund-raising cookbooks in the past), but I do know that Gram made adjustments over the years. If you share it with your family and friends, I ask that you give credit to my grandmother by retaining the title.

 

Gram Guthrie’s Coffee Cake

  • ½ cup shortening (plus extra for greasing the baking pan)
  • 1 tsp. vanilla (speaking of Penzey’s, they have an amazing selection of vanillas)
  • ¾ cup sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 2 cups sifted flour
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 cup sour cream

Filling:

  • 9 Tbsp. butter, softened
  • 1 ½ cups brown sugar, packed
  • 1 Tbsp. cinnamon
  • 1 ½ cups chopped walnuts

 

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. Cream shortening, sugar, and vanilla thoroughly. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Sift together the flour, baking powder, and baking soda. Add some of the flour mixture to the creamed mixture alternately with sour cream, blending after each addition.
  3. Prepare the filling in a separate bowl. Cream softened butter, brown sugar, and cinnamon well. Stir in nuts. Set aside.
  4. Grease a 10-inch tube pan and line bottom with waxed paper. Turn half of batter into the pan. Dot the batter with half of the filling. Cover with the remaining batter and then dot with remaining filling.
  5. Bake at 350 degrees F for 50 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes before removing from the pan.

Serve warm or at room temp. The cake can be prepared beforehand and reheated for serving.

I’d love to hear about the one family recipe that says “holidays” to you. And if you’d like, share the actual recipe with all of us in the comments.

Happy baking…and happy holidays!

Christmas morning doesn’t have to be Christmas mourning! Life Without Baby Holiday Companion offers inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season. Available here on our site and on Amazon—now just $4.95.

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_Wednesday“It’s the most wonderful time of the…”

…week!

That’s right! It’s Whiny Wednesday, your chance to “Bah, humbug” and gripe about the grinches in your life. And because of the impending holidays and the need to be festive, this will be the last whine of 2013, so make it a good one!

Whine on!

A Cup of Tea with Jody Day

Jody DayOver the Thanksgiving weekend I got to sit down and have a cup of tea and a chat with another woman who’s walked a similar path to me and survived.

Unlike most cozy chats with a friend, this one was captured on video and now I get to share it with you.

Some of you will know Jody Day as the founder of Gateway Women in the UK and author of the new book: Rocking the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfiling Life Without Children. I sat down to talk with Jody about her book and her personal journey that led to its development.

If you’re not familiar with Jody, you’re in for a treat. So grab yourself a cuppa and settle in with us.

Here are the links mentioned in the video:

Jody’s site: Gateway Women

Rocking the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfiling Life Without Children

Reignite Process Workshop

Pinterest Gallery of Role Models

Whiny Wednesday: Holiday Blues

Whiny_WednesdayMr. Fab and I had a lovely quiet Thanksgiving, just the two of us.

We watched Home for the Holidays as a reminder of what’s good about not having to do the “family thing.”

But now we’ve turned the corner into December and I’m feeling my first pangs of the holiday blues. There are so many things that I wish were part of my festive season, like hand-delivering gifts to my family, shopping for small children, and having the kind of Christmas I had as a child.

But, I’m taking my own advice. I’m focusing on the good stuff, making plans to do festive activities, and creating new traditions suitable for a family of two.

But, boy, it’s not always easy is it?

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What are you struggling with today?