By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
“A couple of lousy choices in men (damn the nineties) and some reproductive system woes later,” and Nancy Van Iderstine found herself “Not Pregnant at the Ob-Gyn.” Her story is part of a collection of funny, sad, and eye-opening essays titled No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Motherhood edited by Henriette Mantel. (Available in Kindle and paperback on Amazon.)
I was introduced to Nancy by a mutual friend maybe 10 years ago: “You’re both great writers, you both work in entertainment!” But it wasn’t until this book came out that I learned we were also both childfree-not-by-choice. I wanted to hear more about her journey, and she agreed to chat.
LWB: Did you always want children?
NVI: Yes, but I personally did not endure a lot of external pressure to have kids. I was active in life, and when I was younger, I thought: “Everything is still going to happen.”
LWB: When did you know for sure you weren’t going to have kids?
NVI: About 12 years ago I was in a difficult relationship, and it was clear I could not bring a child into it. [She later ruled out adoption due to the “demands of (her) work and involvement in various social, environmental, and animal causes”.] But part of me didn’t fully give up until I had a hysterectomy seven years ago. That brought with it early menopause and the related physical, mental, emotional, and financial challenges.
LWB: How did you face this?
NVI: I had a meltdown, and I went into mourning.
LWB: Are you still mourning?
NVI: I still go ga-ga over strangers’ babies; I am drawn to babies like magic. I see in them this awe of life, and it is exhilarating to be around them. It used to rip my heart out, but now I have cats and I treat them like babies.
LWB: How do you respond to the accusation that we are selfish because we don’t have children?
NVI: Women are put in the hot seat more than men over the baby issue. We’re told anything we experience in life is nothing compared to having kids. I was talking with a relative of mine, a woman who is of the 1950s generation. I was telling her how heartbroken I was over issues in a relationship, and she came back with “Imagine doing all that and having children.” It totally removed all the legitimacy of my concerns, as if my concerns only mattered if I was a mommy. I started to cry and said to her, “Do you have any idea how much I wanted kids?” It hasn’t worked out for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel pain and express it. Because I’m not a mother? Sure, overall, friends who have kids are less self-absorbed because circumstances pull them out of themselves. But people in animal rescue exhaust themselves doing good work too.
LWB: What do you wish you could have told your younger self?
NVI: “Please trust your intuition” and “Please stop selling yourself short.” I ignored my inner voice. I wish I had allowed myself to be confident; I would have made fewer mistakes. There’s a lot to be said for feeling empowered.
LWB: How did you come to be part of this book?
NVI: I spent a year back east helping my mom and I bumped into Henriette. We had grown up near each other in Vermont. She told me she was working on a project and asked “Would you like to submit something?” She knew I was an actor/writer, had seen and enjoyed my one-woman show, and she knew my history, including my hysterectomy.
LWB: What was the experience like?
NVI: I sensed most of the contributors were comediennes and I wondered if there might not be enough of a mournful side. I wanted to present the sorrowful side, and then I second-guessed myself: Do I want to be the unfunny one? Do I sound whiney? I felt like I was lamenting it—my tale of woe, my bad dating, my lost uterus—but I’ve found my story is much more universal than I’d thought and I was okay with it. I don’t know many hyster-sisters, and I feel good about giving them a voice. One woman came up to me at a reading and said “I was so moved” even though she was a mom. She also went through the process of a hysterectomy. I became aware that this is why you do it. I feel like in everything I do, I want people to take something away, to feel, happy or sad.
LWB: What has the reaction to the book been like?
NVI: Hugely positive. I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop! Overall, readers are intrigued by it, and they’ve embraced it. The only backlash I fear is that I often write for people who have kids. They may have the perception that I don’t like kids, since they don’t know my background. I’m surprised the book was so well received because women deciding what to do with their lives pushes buttons.
LWB: Do you have any advice for our readers?
NVI: I think there’s a reason we are drawn to what we do. Whatever our choices, we are right (if you’re not a criminal). Whenever I returned to somewhat puritanical New England, I apologized for all of my life decisions—until about two years ago. It never really helped me. We have been apologizing to ourselves, justifying ourselves. Do we have to answer every critic? We really don’t. We’re three-dimensional. We need to stop apologizing and just give something to the world.
No Kidding: Women Writers On Bypassing Parenthood features 37 essays from amazing, funny women, including Margaret Cho, Wendy Liebman, and Nora Dunn.
In addition to her contribution to No Kidding, Nancy Van Iderstine wrote Twentieth Century Fox: The First 75 Years, edited State Of Mind (the first book in Sven Davison’s Godhead Trilogy), and authored Vegan & Gluten-free Recipes To LIVE For: Comfort Food That Comforts! A performer with a gift for character voices, Nancy stars as Mama Chu in Little Big Panda, and she remains one of a small group of women who have played monsters in the Power Rangers franchise. See what Nancy’s up to at http://nancyvaniderstine.virb.com/.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
