By Paulina Grace Hay

A personal crisis of any kind can quickly throw your own intuition off kilter.  It can also show you what support you do and do not have around you.  I seem to come back to the need for support and community over and over.  My immediate family is not an option and close friends live far away.  What’s a girl to do?  Here’s a stroll down my life tackling these issues*.

*If at any time my stepping stones don’t resonate with you, don’t sweat it.  We’re all different, go with what works for you.  A good guideline to determine what or who works in your life is, “Do you come away feeling energized/lighter or drained/weighed down?”

Here are a few avenues I’ve tried over the years:

Professional Therapist

I struggled with needing to talk to a “professional” about sorting and processing my emotions.  I still do at times.  However, I’m a talker and my love language is words of affirmation so talk therapy is a natural fit for me.  Having someone I trust who has no vested interest or active part in my day-to-day life is crucial.  Behind closed doors and the promise of confidentiality I can let it all hang out emotionally without fear of judgment or rejection.  My therapist is also a professional with an incredible wealth of knowledge.  He or she can provide me with an unbiased opinion and on what is happening plus new ways to deal with triggers.

I use this option on an “as needed” basis.  When I’m feeling out of sorts for an extended period of time I find going in can help me pinpoint an issue more quickly.

 

In Person Infertility Support Group

Initially it felt safer and easier to process my feelings in the safety of my own home, in a private therapist’s office or behind a computer screen.  Yet, at some point I felt it was important to let this seemingly broken part of myself out into the daylight.  Regardless, I don’t think anyone is pumped about attending her first infertility support group.  What I found there were beautiful, smart and funny women even in the midst of pain and heartbreak.  It was refreshing to talk about our challenges openly.  I liked seeing all the head nodding and saying, “Oh, yes, that’s happened to me, too.”  We shed tears together and laughed out loud a lot.  Hearing everyone’s stories gave me new perspectives on mine.  Most importantly, I knew I was not alone on this journey.

The hardest part of an in person group for me was when to decide to stop going.  Everyone’s stories helped me realize much faster that I was not cut out for 1 or multiple rounds of IVF.  I learned why adoption was not going to solve my desire to be pregnant and see my genes and my husband’s in a new life.  The biggest eye opener was that I saw how my life had come to a screeching halt because of infertility.  I wanted to live again.  After I had made my decision to live childfree I found that going to the group was confusing.  It made me second guess my decision because most women were still actively trying.  I stayed friends with a couple of the women for a while and that was a better option.  If there was an in-person group for childfree women after infertililty, I would consider going to that now.

 

Online Blogs and Support

I’m so grateful for the LifeWithoutBaby blog and Lisa’s work.  When it’s 3 am and you’re crying in the dark, a blog post can be a friend that gets you through to 7 am and daylight.  What makes LWB especially appealing to me is there are no surprise, “Oh, I’m pregnant so welcome to my mommy blog!” transformations.  At times, I have to be very selective on where I let online wandering take me.  When I was feeling low, the wrong blog could make me feel worse.  The internet is wonderful in all it offers but sometimes being a little sheltered when you’re vulnerable is not a bad thing!

I also appreciate the new opportunity to guest blog post and share my stories to help women like me.

 

Art Journaling

Even though I’m creative in my professional life, I hadn’t done art purely for enjoyment in decades.  After attending an art workshop retreat (a scary move but life changing) I realized that I wanted to create for my sake and not for profitability’s sake.  I learned about art journaling there.  An art or visual journal is an illustrated diary or journal on any theme.  I paint, collage, write, doodle, whatever I want in mine.  I’ll often use my journals to keep quotes I’ve found on line or even articles.  I put photos of women I admire or the kind of life I want to lead to help me remember what I want for myself.  I’ve met many wonderful women through art, too.

 

Get Out of the House

When I’ve felt unsure of my place in my own world, I push myself out the door to get out into other ones.  In the age of the Internet, there are so many ways to get involved in organizations and meet new people.  Here are some activities I’ve tried over the years.  Some were great, others were busts, but ultimately I feel if I keep trying new stuff, new good things are more likely to come my way.

• Improv Class – one of my favorites.  I would laugh every week and who couldn’t use more of that?!
• Attended a TEDx conference in a city an hour away by myself.  It was unnerving to not know anyone but I had an incredible lunch with an older woman who told me about her life story.  I also heard a speaker talk about a small girls rock camp that empowers girls in my city.  I’m now volunteering for that camp and have met all kinds of interesting women and I’m proud to help empower the next generation.
• Signed up for GirlfriendCircles.com. My city didn’t have a lot of women participating but I actually met a couple of other childfree women and one has become a new friend.
• Attended a MeetUp.com group for art and crafts.  Sure enough, I met more childfree women but it’s refreshing to have a different reason to connect and share.

My final thought is a favorite quote:

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

I’d love to hear how you have found support and community on your journey.

Paulina Grace walked away from the infertility roller coaster 6 years ago. She hopes to help other women let themselves grieve and then let themselves live. Outside of running her own business, Paulina fulfills her need to nurture by being an involved aunt and caring for her aging parents.