By Solo Girl
Once in a while I’ll respond to posts on Life Without Baby, and I think I often come across as bitter and angry. It’s been 4 years since the last nail in the Mommy coffin was slammed into place, and the truth is I am still bitter and angry and hurt and disillusioned about this new reality. Life Without Baby is the only place I can share those feelings, and I thank Lisa from the bottom of my soul for providing this outlet.
In my every day public existence I am smiling and moving on and enjoying the life that is left to me. I am congratulating sisters and cousins on their new pregnancies/babies and even buying them baby shower gifts. I fill my life with charity work and dogs and good friends and family that go out of their way to visit me and help me around the house. I am no longer staring at the wall, feeling my heart die in slow motion. My purpose in life was to be a Mother. Of that I am sure. With the help of women like Lisa and Savvy Auntie I am now able to go about my daily routine again and even create a new life for myself where I actually smile.
But am I thankful? Am I thankful that this is my life now? No. There is no word I resent more in the English language than ‘thankful’. Do I feel that it’s a blessing? Or worse, that ‘things happen for a reason’? I want to punch people in the face who say that. So there’s that bitterness and anger again.
For those of you just coming to terms with this reality, my heart goes out to you, and I hold out my arm for you to hold onto. You WILL get through this. You CAN smile again. And I know from women like Lisa that you will build a happy life in time. Keep reading; you will find healing words in these pages.
Solo Girl lives on her own with her 2+ dogs in Ontario, Canada. She focuses her time on volunteer work and fostering rescue dogs.
I hate the “things happen for a reason” more than anything. I actually call people out on that one.
Me too! Even if I just say “oh I don’t believe that” and change the subject. I will not let people say that to me … and not just about infertility.
I hate (hate hate HATE) the “everything happens for a reason” platitude – I blogged about it last year here: http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2011/02/why.html
You don’t have to feel thankful this is your life now. But I hope that doesn’t stop you for feeling thankful (yes, I will use that word) for the little things – individual friends, or a nice day, or your dogs, or something that makes you laugh. And I hope you know that doing that – feeling thankful or happy or pleased about anything in your life now – is not a betrayal of your previous dreams. And I suggest that only because I think that is the way I felt for a long time. I think I worried that enjoying life now meant that I can never have wanted children, or wanted them enough. And that wasn’t true.
I’ll also pop in and say – and I hope this doesn’t scare others – that four years still qualifies as the relatively early years. Or it was for me. I see a huge difference in my attitudes and thoughts now, almost 10 years on, compared to the first five years. I suspect I’ll see a huge difference again in another five years. I wonder what that will look like?
Sorry – me again. I’ve been thinking about you since I finished my comment because i wasn’t sure I expressed it the way I wanted. I’ve been thinking especially of this sentence of yours. “There is no word I resent more in the English language than ‘thankful’. ” And I understand that – because I think if people try to make you feel thankful for what you’ve got, they’re denying what you have lost. And that’s not fair. It makes us feel forgotten, our feelings ignored, and we feel very isolated. Been there done that!
Whereas what I was meaning to say was if you yourself are feeling thankful, it’s something you choose, and you’re choosing it in full knowledge and recognition of what you’ve been through, and how hard it was and how hard it still is. And if despite that, or perhaps in recognition of that, in honouring your struggle, you can be thankful, then it is entirely different.
Sorry. I’ll shut up now!
Dear Solo Girl, First of all a very big hug. Like you, I’m glad for the chance to connect with other women who have experienced what we’ve gone through or are going through. This should be your place to vent or express yourself and feel you are understood. I think I’ve posted this a couple of times on different occasions and I’m not trying to advertise, but I’ve been listening to the Eckhart Tolle books, The Power of Now, A New Earth, and I find that they have been helping me quite a bit lately. I don’t buy into belief systems easily and I don’t wholeheartedly swallow and regurgitate the beliefs or opinions of others, nor do I tend to be a thoughtless follower, but I don’t think he is saying something that has not been said before, it is just said in a way that I find is helping me heal and so I’m putting it out there for others.
I know how you feel. I too am angry and bitter. I put on a happy face for those around me. When I hear ” things happen for a reason ” I find it very depressing. What is MY reason ? What have I done ? I am just a women wanting to be a mother.
Recently I got this book about career planning or rather, orientation. It had a good outlook, not so much “how can I reach the top of the ladder” than “how do I want to spend the rest of my working life”.
Now the author suggested this perspective about the question: What to do when “Plan A” has failed?
I think it’s what happens to us after infertility/Childlessness-not-by-choice. We lost plan A and everything else we do “instead” keeps feeling like “plan B” and therefore “not the real thing”.
This author said that life (god, fate, whoever – it works whether you’re religious or not) has a plan for us. All the time we thought that what we saw as “plan A” was “it”. Now this collapses and we are heartbroken. But all while we pursued what we thought to be plan A, there was always a “real” or “higher-level” Plan A which is really meant for our lives. What we pursued and try to realize was in reality plan B, but we didn’t know that. Now that is has collapsed, the “real” plan A has finally time and space to come into action!
This might sound cheesy and it was originally written from a “god-has-a-plan-for-you” perspective which I don’t normally share. But to me it was a real eye-opener and helped me look at life differently.
just had a melt down tonight feeling werid for a few weeks an unsettled feeling in my soul , should be studing but cant seem to concertrate , found myself again looking at websites on adoption ivf , but i know fiancially its never going to happen . ive sent the boyfriend back to his mums for a few days and am welcoming the peace , hes having trouble getting his uni fees together and has just borrowered money for this , hes not working so i dont know how hes going to pay it back , ive been looking at web site to go to saudi for a year to rise funds to get married , ivf etc , but his contribution will be ??? met with friend whos just had a baby vv happy for her , but why not me ? another friend has suggested i get a move on im not getting any younger , ill be 36 soon , i know this , just feel very empty at the mo, bills are still coming in and i know for forseeable future ive no money to even start the process , i think its been triggered by seeing an ex (total scumbag) i wasted 3 “prime ” yrs of my life n money on . anyway its 1 am here ive cried for a few hrs dogs are sick of cuddles and im feeling very empty wishing n wishing i had a baby to cuddle . delighted to have found this webpage alot of things have hit home with me , looking forward to chatting to ye all , i’ll pass this wobble and get back up and carry on
Thank you for this.
First off, it’s great to hear from other “Solo Girls” out there. So often I feel like the hardest part is having to do this alone.
Positive thinking is good sometimes, but keeping up the smile and gratitude for life’s unfortunate fates really doesn’t let you move on.