I love books. I love stepping into the world of a character and waiting to see what happens next and I also love reading non-fiction accounts of people whose lives aren’t like mine. But I also know the enormous value of reading someone else’s story or philosophy and being able to say, “You get me. You understand exactly how I feel.”
When you’re struggling with something such as coming-to-terms with a life without children, you’re probably finding already that people around you don’t always understand, so it can be such a comfort and relief to pick up a book and read someone who does.
When you don’t know how to deal with emotions, grief, or just putting one foot in front of the other, it can also helpful to have find a how-to book, a kind of toolbox of information to guide you through those treacherous waters.
As I continue to build this site and make it the resource I wish I’d had when I was struggling along alone, I want to create a list of helpful books. The trouble is, my nightstand is already overflowing and I can’t read the books I find fast enough.
So I’m asking for your help.
If you’ve come across a book that’s helped you (or is helping you now) please share it here. It can be a memoir or a how-to book. It can be directly related to the topic of coming-terms with a life without children or it can deal with related issues such as handling loss, rebuilding your life, or even managing social and family issues that might arise. If it’s helped you, chances are, it will be helpful to someone else. (And if you happen to be the author of a book, it’s perfectly okay to suggest your own book. Don’t be shy.)
Please share the name and author of the book, and if you want to include a bit about why you’d recommend it, that would be great, too. You can post your suggestions in the comments here or email me through the contact page if you’d prefer.
There’s a very short (and yes, somewhat biased) list at the bottom of the Learn page to start with some examples. My hope is to turn this scrawny little list into a useful resource on a whole page of its own! Please help me make my dream come true.
As you know from reading my “With Eyes of Faith…Our Sacred Journey” guest blog post, I have a profound respect for people who write about overcoming obstacles that accompany infertility. I frequently recommend your website and book, Lisa, along with Sue Fagalde Lick’s “Childless by Marriage” to people who are struggling to find their way.
As a Christian, I still have to vote for the bible as being my top choice for a book that is a time-tested source of healing and help. The living words of Jesus Christ reach through the centuries to heal souls that are in trouble. His life, death and resurrection save us from everything that is lacking in the human condition, including infertility. Our journey can be sacred, despite all the twists and turns it may take, if we just reach out to him in faith and prayer.
Thanks for letting me cast my vote!
As far as the Bible is concerned, are there any passages you have found for healing in this area? As I look, what I am finding gives me the opposite effect in regards to childlessness, although I have found comfort in other areas, just not this one.
Pamela’s Silent Sorority of course! And yours of course too. Both these books remind me I’m not alone.
My latest favourite is Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown.
I’ve raved about it on my blog here:
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.com/2013/02/infertility-and-shame.html AND
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2013/04/sharing-about-sharing.html
Well, obviously, your book & Pamela’s would be at the top of my list, but I see they are already on yours. ; ) The first book I read on this issue was “Sweet Grapes” by Jean & Michael Carter. It’s 30 years old (so it was written when IVF was still in its infancy & things like donor eggs unheard of), it has its flaws & I believe it’s now out of print — but I still recommend it to people because it did have some very good practical advice in it about moving toward acceptance.
Another good book I read early in my childless/free journey was “Never to be a Mother” by Linda Hunt Anton. It’s been awhile since I read it, but it I remember it had stories & examples of many women who did not become mothers, for many reasons.
I also liked “The Childless Revolution” by Madelyn Cain (another older book), which explores the broad spectrum of childless living — by choice, by chance (including infertility) & by happenstance. The one caveat to this book is that Cain herself has children. I know this has irritated some readers. To give her some credit, she admits that she assumed that all women wanted children, and that researching & writing this book was an eyeopener for her. I bought this in hardcover, early on in my childless/free living days, & I was just so grateful that someone had written something about women like me. I haven’t looked at it in awhile, but I daresay there is still some interesting stuff in there.
“When Bad Things Happen to Good People’ by Harold Kushner (a Jewish rabbi) was an enormous comfort to me in the days after my daughter was stillborn. I have recommended it to other bereaved parents and others who find themselves in a painful place wondering, “Why me?” — particularly those who are struggling with their faith. It may not work for you, but it did help me.
I bought “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis ‘coz I was grieving so much at that time and everything was so dark. I felt like I just wanted to curl up like a ball and do nothing. I know it has nothing to do with infertility, but it is very raw and the rawness of it all appealed to me ‘coz it made me feel that I wasn’t alone.
One quote from the book (from page 49): “Getting over it too soon? But the words are ambiguous. To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing; after he’s had his leg off it is quite another….His whole way of life will be changed.”
That was one of my “bingo” moments when reading the book. I felt understood ‘coz my whole life went to a different direction after IF.
But I think mostly I feel more validation by reading other people’s IF blogs. Pamela’s book has helped me in making the decision to let go of the dreams of having children. That life without children after infertility is also beautiful. Your blog has also helped me in that area, so THANK YOU. 🙂
There’s a book called “Crisis of Faith, Crisis of Love” by Fr. Thomas Keating that really shook up my thinking about faith, forebearance, and what God’s up to when it seems like “nothing’s going on” – those times when you’re waiting for something to happen and nothing comes. I actually read it before I knew about my infertility (a result of premature ovarian failure), when I was single and yearning to meet the love of my life.
The part that shook me, and stayed with me, is when Keating writes about how when it seems nothing is happening, when God seems most distant, that’s when he’s formulating his plan, he’s on the job behind the scenes. Sometimes He seems furthest away right when something wonderful is about to happen.
I found out I had POF, and 6 weeks later, I met the man who is now my husband.
Marianne Williamson’s “Return to Love” has been powerful in helping me to strive to live without bitterness, regret, or jealousy. “Eat, Pray, Love”. “the Color Purple.”
Ekhart Tolle – A New Earth
Louise Hay – YOu can Heal Your Life – a reminder of the power of our own minds / thought patterns.
I also just love reading about childless / childfree women who are living fabulous, fulfilled lives: Helen Mirren, Elizabeth Gilbert, Oprah Winfrey, etc. and the women on this site! xo
Excuse me and call me dumb.
Who are Helen Mirren and Elizabeth Gilbert.
Also, Juliet Gordon Lowe was also childless. She felt like a failure, so she went on a worldwide trip to se if she could make her life mean something. To make a long story short, it led to the founding of the Girl Scouts.
Helen Mirren — British actress, won the Oscar for playing Queen Elizabeth II in “The Queen” a few years back
Elizabeth Gilbert — author of “Eat Pray Love”
The book I found most helpful was one dealing with crisis of life in general. It was in German so not much use recommending the title here. but I recommend looking for similar books. I had been left by my partner during problems TTC so that left me not only grieving for the child I never had but also sad, confused and angry about the breaking of the relationship. I was going back and forth between self-help books about infertility, childlessness and relationship problems, always feeling that none if it was “for me”: The infertility books talked about treatements and adoption – well, not for me, there was no partner to start a treatement with; childlessness – well yeah but there weren’t many books out there actually prepared to talk about the blunt fact and they kept talking about “couples”, and also, that chance was still there, if only I had a partner…. books about separation/divorce made me understand that this is probably hard to experience when there are children, but that wasn’t me, and also I felt that none of these books dealt with the childlessness induced by separation… so I was happy to find a book that was generally dealing with crisis in life.
I second the vote for Rabbi Kushner’s book and would also like to recommend “Beside the Empty Cradle” by Pamela Sonnenmoser. Despite her knowledge of scripture and great faith in God, Pamela did not have the miracle baby nor did she step out in faith to adopt. (Her husband could not take that step with her, so she had to make a sacrificial choice.) Instead, the two started a ministry to help others face a life of permanent childlessness. Her book gave me permission as a Christian to embrace the new plan that God had for me and to stop demanding miracles.
Oh, I’m gonna look up Pamela’s book. I’ve sometimes browsed through Christian sites and type in “infertility” in the search boxes, but most often than not (or almost always) the stories have a “happy ending”. I want to find those who don’t end up with children themselves.
Forgot to say: THANKS for the recommendation! 🙂
Unsung Lullabies. I forget the name of the authors but it is a book about the multitude of issues that occur when you face infertility. It normalized the feelings I was having and not understanding. It gave me permission to feel it all and not think I was crazy.
I second Eckart Tolle, both A New Earth and The Power of Now.
A few years ago, I came across a book that included an interview with Marjory Stoneman Douglas. I think the book was Susan S. Lang’s, Women without Children. Anyhow, one of the issues that I am particularly sensitive about is when people express pity about my not having children. I guess it is because it shifts my thinking to self-pity mode, and gets me to focus on what I lack, rather than what I have in my life. It is utterly unproductive and unhelpful. Well, in this particular interview, when the author asked Douglas about her childless status her reaction was a sort of “Oh please!” I really liked that. She might not have ever wanted children, I don’t know, but her response came across like an “I have better things to deal with and think about than whether I had children or not, etc.” For me, it was a response from a position of confidence to all the looks of “pity” or comments expressing same, that I’ve received when I mention that I don’t have kids. Marjory Stoneman Douglas was an early environmentalist and Cheroe of the Everglades. She was 108 when she died in 1998.
Can any of these books help men as well as women?
Well, C.S. Lewis is a man, so it’s written from a man’s POV. Though it doesn’t deal with infertility per se, but what he wrote was really raw.
“Do You Love Someone Who is Infertile?: What You Can Do to Help Her, What to Say to Support Her, and What You Should Never Do or Say.” by Julia Krahm, and Shari Stewart
“The Childless Revolution” by Madelyn Cain
“Grief and Powerlessness: Helping People Regain Control of their Lives” by Ruth Bright
“I Will Bear This Scar: Poems of Childless Women” Marietta Bratton
“Falling for Eli” Nancy Shulin
Those are books I had read, along with most of books that had been already included in the comments- very resourceful, thought-provoking, in some books, adding humor, and making you feel very much human and all this is normal. Really helpful.
A book I am currently reading is called “Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy” by Larry Crabb. Being a Christian, I have struggled with blaming God and questioning why he lets bad things happen to us. This book is good in addressing the reasons why and why it is okay to feel the pain associated with our losses of dreams we have held close and didn’t see come to fruition. It has definitely changed my perspective and is really helping me approach my situation differently as well as God.
Thank you for the recomendation Laura. It has just become available at my library and I am going to check it out.