When I first started this blog and began writing openly about my feelings and thoughts surrounding infertility and my unplanned
childlessness, I often thought: You can’t write that, Lisa. People will think you’re crazy.
I worried that being honest about the thoughts that ran through my head, the bitterness that always bubbled under the surface, and the absolutely madness of questing for a baby would flag me as “not normal.”
I know that some people did think I was crazy. One compassionate soul even told Mr. Fab as much. And I’m sure there were plenty more who wondered about my sanity. If they did, I never heard from them.
What I do hear, so often, on this blog and in my email box is: “I can’t believe I found someone else who thought/said/did this crazy thing. I thought I was the only one.”
I laugh to myself when I read this, because I thought I was the only, too. By being honest about my craziness, I discovered I wasn’t crazy at all, because for every crazy thing I admitted to, I found someone who had thought/said/done the same thing.
Turns out this insanity is perfectly normal.
When you’re in the thick of frustration, of feeling odd, left out, and misunderstood; when people tell you you’re acting crazy and it’s not normal, find someone here to tell. Add a comment to a post or start a thread in the forum. I promise you, you’ll find someone else who understand exactly how you feel, and it’s very reassuring to realize how normal your craziness is.
You may not be surprised to hear that the people who thought I’d gone mad had never walked in my shoes. They had no idea what it was like to be unable to have the children they wanted. Any time I have spoken to someone who has been through this experience, we’ve almost always been able to share in a common craziness, and nodded knowingly as we’ve admitted to some of our crazy thoughts.
I think the person made me feel the craziest at the time was my husband. He did not understand my feelings at all. He was so sure I would get pregnant, he was annoyed by my behavior. I didn’t have any friends or family that had experienced what I was going through so I felt completely alone. I am now 10 years past that stage and my husband told me this weekend that he is now suffering like I was then. He said back then, he was afraid of being a parent so he was not upset when it wasn’t happening. He also said he was in denial for a long time and is now realizing that with me at 47 we are never having children, and it is hitting him hard. It’s bringing up a lot of hurt feelings again that I thought I had moved past.
I’m sorry you’re struggling a bit now. Hope you will both feel more at peace soon.
Maria, I found my husband only opened up to me qhen I was starting to cope eith my own emotions. It was as if he held everything in till he knew I was doing better, but dealing with his sadness was ough. Wishing you well.
Tough, i mean
Exactly my thoughts!
Try walking in my shoes before you judge me – is the sentences that I wanted to say so many times. But then I didn’t because – people with kids will never ever be able to walk in my shoes.
My husband, Driver, doesnt get it. Most friends don’t really either. I just try to pretend like its all ok around them, and blog and follow blogs like this one for my sanity. A friend of my husband’s who is 15 yrs older than me and has 2 kids, was trying to be consoling and caught himself going on and on about how wonderful it was when his wife had his first daughter *his girls are in college now. and then it hit him. and he apologized and acknowledged that he shouldn’t be going into such extraordinary detail with me- I need no convincing that it would be the most wonderful experience in the world. but My husband thinks I am over it and should never bring it up again. I doubt very much that will ever happen. not during my hormonal years at least.
I am also soooo glad for blogs and the online community of people who put their stories out there. It is important to be able to talk or at least chat online with people who understand. It isn’t that misery loves company… it’s more that we feel less miserable when we have someone else who can share their insights or who can at least provide an understanding ear.
I was just saying today that I’ve stopped being amazed when I come across a post that describes exactly a thought that I have been having. Everything I have been feeling and thinking has been talked about somewhere in this blogging community. As much as I wish none of us had to feel and think what we do, it is so reassuring and comforting to know that others go through the same issues.
I agree with you all. No one understands unless they’ve been there… but how could they? And in some ways I’m glad they don’t or they would suffer this pain we all know so well. Nevertheless, it is nice to know that I’m not alone in this painful journey and that there are others who understand my insanity.
Yep, it’s really hard for others to understand what we’re going through. Someone even said that the only term fit to describe my state of mind was an obsession. It takes a long time to be able to forgive myself and all those painful stuff that people say because they don’t understand our “craziness”, but same as others, I’m SO SO SO glad and thankful for this community and for others who’ve opened up their hearts and minds in their blogs, because they make me feel normal. 🙂
Exactly, yes!