As told to Kathleen Guthrie Woods
After a first marriage to a man who was “never stable enough for us to have kids,” Kay* met her current husband when she was almost 42. They got busy trying to create their family, but three pregnancies were lost early, and adoption didn’t work (they weren’t against it, but the reasons it didn’t work were “complicated”). Now 52, Kay still struggles with being childfree by chance and circumstance. After reading her story below, I hope you’ll take a moment to offer her some encouragement in the Comments.
LWB: Please briefly describe your dream of motherhood.
Kay: Oh, the Waltons. I wanted a big family with lots of children, maybe with foster kids as well.
LWB: What’s the hardest part for you about not having children?
Kay: My parents didn’t have a clue how to show love and fought a lot, and we children felt truly unloved and unwanted. From a very young age, all I wanted in life was to be a mama. That I will never have that is crushing. We are not close to any of our nieces and nephews. We have tried, but we live too far away from them to be very involved.
LWB: What’s the best part about not having children?
Kay: I don’t have to discover that I am just like my parents in parenting, in spite of my best intentions.
LWB: How do you answer “Do you have kids?”
Kay: I really, really struggle with this because I so want/wanted to be a mama, and I want to relate to other people. Trying to explain, however, becomes complicated. I frequently get, “You could always just adopt,” which is a more complicated conversation. I’ve found it best to just answer, “No.”
LWB: What’s your Plan B?
Kay: I still very much want children in my life, and it doesn’t matter to me now that they won’t be my own. We unofficially mentored a family for a while. We called them our “Rent-a-Kids” and they liked that. But they moved away, so now I’m looking for something similar. I would like to find a way to connect “aged out” foster kids with people who would be family for them, to give them someone to care about them and a place to go for holidays and other momentous occasions. I don’t quite know how to get this started, but I’ve recently come across a couple of possibilities.
LWB: Where are you on your journey now?
Kay: I still struggle with hearing pregnancy announcements, and frequently give a big sigh when I read stuff on Facebook about friends’ kids/grandkids or their parenting stuff. Early on I told myself, “This is not how your life will turn out. You will not have this.” It was an attempt to work for acceptance, but I eventually gave it up as it was turning into a self-pitying whine instead of acceptance. Sometimes I’m angry, more often I’m wistful. I frequently quote Agatha Christie: “Life is badly arranged.”
*To protect respondents’ privacy, we allow each to choose a name for her profile. It may or may not be fictitious.
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Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Hi Kay. I read in your story that you are looking for a way to mentor children who have aged out of foster care. I work at a state university which provides a tuition waiver to children like this – it’s mandated by state law. Our university mentors these kids – and I have offered to do the same with them. You should look into whether there is a state university near where you live that has a similar program. I also know of a few churches that provide housing for these kids and teach them how to care for themselves as adults – maybe you can find the same in your area. Just wanted to share the info with you. I can relate to the desire as I have looked for the same opportunities.
Thanks for your story Kay. My husband and I cope by being very close and active with nieces and nephews. I’m sorry you don’t have that.
It sounds like you are being led into an important direction with your thoughts on “aged out” foster kids. This seems like it could be an important contribution to society. How wonderful you have this initial spark. Good luck with that!
I have a friend who was adopted as a child. All her siblings were. Their story is complicated but the point I need to make with her example is this. Her adopted father, the glue in the family, passed away. Over the next several years many things happened to make her family structure unravel. Her 6 siblings no longer speak and drama unfolds at every turn. For the holidays she has no one except her own daughter. Now, my friend is an adult and had grown up with a very large extended family. So she does have options and is welcome and invited many places for the holidays. Still, it’s not the same as your “own” family. I can’t imagine young 18 year old kids not having a “home” to return to for holidays and important events. What an important mission for you to consider taking on!!
dear Kay,
thank you for sharing your story. It is important for all of us that we know that we are not alone.
Wishing you all the best for the future.
kind regards from Europe.
Kay,
My upbringing was similar to yours. My father was a terrible alcoholic and my mother was emotionally neglectful. When i was in my 20s I really didn’t think much about children because I wasn’t sure I would make a good mother. But when I got married at 32 i realized I would be better than my mother was but it didn’t work out, and I too am in my 50’s and it is still painful to watch friends go through all the milestones with their children and grandchildren.
So in order to try and fill the void, I’ve signed up to volunteer at the Children’s hospital to cuddle premature babies, and I like your idea as well and may check into that.