This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic comes from a reader and is ripe for a rant and perhaps some ideas.
She writes:
“I still haven’t figured out how to make friends with people my own age (40s) who have children. I often feel disposable, or okay to invite to things when it suits them. I’m a thoughtful, caring person who deserves better.”
What do you think about this? It’s Whiny Wednesday, so let it all out.
I don’t so much have a problem making friends…its keeping in touch with them. Once they find out that I don’t have kids because I can’t have kids they don’t invite me to do anything or when I am invited to do anything all they talk about is their kids. I guess not having kids makes me realize there are other things to talk about than kids. And when I bring up other subjects other than kids; ie current events…its like they live in this kid bubble and don’t know what is going on. I’ve gotten to a point in my life that I know that others have busy kid schedules and tell them to contact me when they want to get together…and then never hear from them. When I really try and think about it…I don’t really have any friends, just acquaintances.
I don’t want to tell you “get a hobby” because maybe you have. But I have always made friends through some common activity. Sometimes the friendship ends when I stop the activity. But sometimes they stay. So I suggest find a hobby that you’ll do in a more or less fixed group. It will be the activity that brings you together so there will always be something in common. Plus, people with kids rarely have friends.
Maybe it’s the “people my own age” which is your problem. My friends are now somewhere between 25 and 65. It’s totally fine.
…and I’m 42 (just to make that clear)
people with kids rarely have *HOBBIES. Sorry for all the typos. why can’t I correct comments here?
I do go and do stuff…like gym with a woman in her 50’s who I grew up playing with her daughter (I’m 34) and even church weekly and the occasional church activity were their are women of all different ages that I talk to. But like you said; it begins and ends there. There is nothing outside of those things, even though I have tried to foster friendships outside of those things.
I agree. I am the same age (34) and I find it difficult for my husband and I to find people around our age without kids.
mh… Then my question is, why does it have to go “further”. What would you expect in a friendship. Why is it not enough if it is defined through a certain set of acitivities?
I think that friendship have as much to do with luck as finding a partner. There is some compromising involved, but also to a certain extent, simple luck. I have become friends with a woman who I originally only did a semi-professional music project with (she’s a pro, I’m a hobby musician). I think we like each other a lot and you could call it a friendship now. On the other hand she is ten years younger than me and recently got married. I’m convinced she will have a baby soon and then disappear again for me. We’ll see if the friendship holds up.
On the other hand I’ve become friends with a couple who are childfree by choice. We share some common interests (music, going to certain types of concerts, movies) and the woman in the couple has a kind of unusual biography which makes me relate to her, but we don’t have a common activity and they live quite a bit away. And as I get to know them I’m starting to think that we differ in many things, education, values, personality. While he is extremely quiet, she is extremely chatty. They seem to really like me and are actively getting in touch a lot since we met – but it’s nearly too much for me. I’m not sure I want to be around them so much. So I actually feel closer to my friend who is married and planning children than to the childfree couple. So why should I desperately try to be friends with them, but not with my other friend and her husband?
I find it hard to maintain relationships with people once they’ve had kids. Unless we were really close before they had kids, I have found that people often put distance and start hanging out with other moms. The friends that I have that do have children are those that understand my situation and don’t bombard me with incessant discussions about their children. In other words, they remember who they were before they had children and that there are other things to talk about.
I have found it difficult to maintain friendships with friends who have kids. Like Kara said, every time I go out with friends with kids, all they talk about is “their kids”. My husband and I do quite a bit of traveling and whenever I try to talk about that, it’s like they are not interested (or they give you the must be nice look). The blessing is that I do have a couple of close girlfriends who do not have kids either. Our conversations are much more about current events, travel, work, etc and I enjoy them. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends with kids, it’s just I feel left out when it’s a group of us and I’m the only one without kids (which is usually the case). I’m 45 and beginning to realize that there is much more to life than having kids. I still can have quite a fulfilling life.
I’ve never felt that excluded individually, but it’s been very hard to do anything with couples; they either HAVE to bring their kids, or they HAVE to get a babysitter — as in, going out with us would be such a burden because of this. The thing that drives me crazy individually is that as soon as you get two or more moms together, all they talk about is their kids. I often feel like a minority in a foreign land.
This part from Kara is especially true: “And when I bring up other subjects other than kids; ie current events…its like they live in this kid bubble and don’t know what is going on. “
The good news is that in your late 40s, as the kids start to grow up, your friends come back! That’s if you want them. And that’s another issue.
True Mali,
But then they have grandchildren and that’s all they talk about.
No, I think that from the time the kids are teenagers, you’re able to get friends to go out and do things again, and hopefully there is a gap of at least ten years before any grand-kids arrive! (I guess I’m lucky – my friends who are grandparents don’t talk about them all the time.)
Most of my friends now (I am 46) have older kids (16 and above), and seem to done with all of the parenting stuff and wanting to talk about kid stuff….they just want to get out and enjoy adult time. Rarely do they talk about their kids, but when they do, it’s just complaining about their kids and how ungrateful they are. Make me appreciate more and more that we don’t have any.
“I often feel disposable, or okay to invite to things when it suits them.”
I get that so much…my siblings and cousins all have very young families and I work in an elementary school where kids are in the constant dysfunction of poverty and family issues. So many days it feels like I am the “village” it takes to raise other people’s children but then at the end of the day everyone goes back to their houses and I’m left alone-a helpful (but at the end of the day optional) add-on rather than essential to anyone’s life.
There is one exception-one of my closest friends and mentors has involved me in the lives of her children but in such a unique way. When I’m taking care of her kids I feel like I’m valued for who I am rather than what I can do for them. She also explicitly trusts me to help them navigate life and to truly wants me to contribute to who they become.