By Lisa Manterfield
Mr. Fab and I don’t talk much anymore about our infertility journey. He’d as soon forget the whole ordeal and I prefer to look forward rather than dwelling on what might have been. But recently it came up in conversation.
“If I had to do it all again, I would,” he told me.
My first thought was “No way!” I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy and I don’t think I could bear to see Mr. Fab go through it again. But when I thought about it some more, I see there are positives that came out of it.
We are tougher than we were before, both individually and as a couple. We now know we can weather a major storm, and we’ll be okay when the next one comes along (and they always come along). I’m more compassionate toward others who might be in pain, now that I know what it’s like to be smiling in public and dying on the inside. I learned a lot about myself and how I handle crisis, and we’ve learned about one another. We’ve uncovered the people we really are.
So if I had to do it all again, I would. Would you?
We didn’t do much but what we did do lead us to my husband’s CF diagnosis. Had we not started the journey we wouldn’t have known why he was sick all the time.
If I had to do anything all over again, I would probably have started ttc a bit earlier than we did. I’m not sure it would have led to a different outcome, but perhaps it would have given us more time to uncover the problems & look & try different options. I don’t regret the testing & treatment that we did — I feel like we gave it fair shot — but I also don’t regret stopping when we did either.
I wouldn’t be eager to repeat the experience, though. Once was definitely enough!
Loribeth, this whole question of waiting to TTC came up recently on facebook when a friend posted about tech companies paying employees to freeze their eggs. Sometimes, I have issues with the discussion centered around infertility due to aging. I responded, that I did not really know anyone who postponed motherhood because they were busy with their careers. I think I get bothered about this discussion because from my end, our problem was male factor, but because I did not marry in my 20s, and because I did a PhD in my 30s, I know that people assume I don’t have kids because I “waited” too long. Most women I know did not “wait” too long, they usually did not have a partner, or were dealing with health issues. I wonder, since you brought it up, if you postponed because you “assumed” you’d have kids when you wanted them, or if you simply did not have a drive, or energy to pursue motherhood earlier.
Iris, a bit of both. I’ve written about this a bit on my blog. I got married when I was 24 — I knew I wanted to be a mother “someday” — but not right away — and I did not feel financially or mentally/emotionally “ready” until I was into my 30s & we had a few years of mortgage payments under our belts. I knew that it would get harder the longer we waited, but I assumed that I would be fine so long as we started trying by 35 or so. The only people I knew or read about who had had trouble getting pregnant had always had irregular periods or something like that (not a problem for me!).
I have to say my story is very similar to Loribeth’s in that if I could go back in time, I’d start trying a bit earlier. But yes, I would go through it all again, because I like how I’ve come out the other side. Hence the Gifts of Infertility series I’m currently writing.
I wouldn’t want to go through it again, but at least I know we did everything we could. So from that stand point I’m glad I went through everything I did, that way people don’t question whether or not we really wanted children.
Thanks for the intriguing question. I had a very different journey with pregnancy losses and also living children but relate to the sentiment that all that I went through made me more me. And as weird as it can sound, I’m grateful for it.
LOVE that picture of you, Lisa!