By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
A buddy of mine, let’s call him Heath, works in PR in the entertainment industry, and he’s in the thick of a campaign for a new movie. One of the stars is making the rounds of various talk shows, and Heath is accompanying her.
Today I found myself laughing until tears flowed as Heath told me about her recent meeting with a young producer. He was prepping her for a TV interview and repeatedly advised her to tell a few “antidotes.”
“If you can start with an antidote…answer with an antidote…wrap up with a funny antidote….”
Now we all know he meant “anecdote,” but he was working so hard to do his job and impress this big star he had been assigned to prep, that she couldn’t bring herself to correct (and publicly embarrass) him. I appreciate her graciousness, and I appreciate Heath for telling me this story because it’s funny and sweet and we have all, at one time or another, been this eager young guy.
And it made me think about all the inappropriate things people say to us childfree women. With very few exceptions, none of the comments are mean-spirited. Most people who reach out are trying to love and support us, albeit at times clumsily and horribly. They don’t want to hurt us, and they are doing the very best that they can to navigate unfamiliar and treacherous territory. Maybe we can’t bring ourselves to laugh at their bumbling efforts, but I think I can find it in my heart to accept their efforts, to show them some compassion, and to just appreciate that someone really really wants to help.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Like this – good post! Thanks – Megan
Great Post. I think the more peace I find being childfree the more I can feel compassion for others comments. It is my responsibility to find ways to enjoy and love my childfree life (as daunting a task as that is some times). The more I can love my life, the less other people’s comments matter. I don’t take them in as a judgment near as much as I used to take them.
The more I am can at peace with my infertility, the more I see opportunities to be thankful for a quiet night at home, free time to do hobbies I love, and to even enjoy being around niece and nephew more.
Amanda, that is absolutely true. When I was pretty young I remember listening to the Dalai Lama answer a question on life advice, where he said that the most important thing to do was to strive to be happy. I didn’t appreciate the answer at the time, but it is so true. I think that when we are really at peace and content, we find that we can be more forgiving and more generous towards others. It isn’t always easy to be there, but it is definitely something we need to strive for.
It’s a fine balance, understanding that people might say “the wrong thing” from a place of good intentions (and feeling compassion and even appreciation for their efforts), and simultaneously helping the language and politics of childlessness to move forward. I, too, really appreciate your post; in my experience, it’s the majority of people truly do want to help.
I’ve never been one to be too sensitive about the things other people say to you in this journey. I know that they can never understand and so when they say anything, no matter how insensitive, it’s usually their way of trying to say something helpful. It’s funny though, that the one that has grated on me the most has been since giving up and moving on, rather than while we were still grieving and trying. I get frustrated when I come clean and tell someone, no, it looks like kids are just not on the cards for us and we’re ok with that and they then spend the next while trying to convince me not to give up hope! Did they not just hear that I said we have given up and moved beyond that? I think it negates all the hard work it’s taken to get to a place where it isn’t a hope I cling to any longer. Do they not realise how brave it is of me to be able now to say that openly to someone? But they aren’t to know, and I have to remember its just a thing that you say.
My only problem with people “wanting to help” is that in the past it has made me question my own happiness.
Iris, I know what you mean and have felt that way often, too.
Yes like wise – its takes so much to say that you wanted children but life has not gone according to plan and you are very sad about that. People are ultimately compelled to immediately fill the gap with talk of the someone they know who it all worked out for. Its as hard for people to simply say “I’m so sorry for you” as it is for us to say “i can’t have a baby”. I don’t know why – I guess they truly don’t see the pain of infertility. I find the more I read your posts however, the less I am troubled by the lacking of understanding in day to day life. I know how sad it is and can finally identify with people and understand my own feelings – I am very much kinder to myself just these past couple of weeks and I feel far less flatened by day to day triggers. Thank you all very much for these posts and somewhere to release my thoughts with someone listening.
Jane, thank you for sharing come of your healing process with us. I just wanted to say that it made my heart smile to read about how you are being able to be kinder to yourself and that you are feeling somewhat less painfully triggered, day to day. Wishing you (and everyone here) healing, peace, and good (or at least reasonable) holidays.
The most wonderful man (who is now my boyfriend) was telling me about the day his daughter was born and how wonderful it made him feel, with great flare and poignant words and I was doing my best to not let it show on my face that I felt a bit uncomfortable. I was just leaving my ex and its been no secret that we never could have kids and that our plans to adopt never came thru. – and he just stopped mid sentence and died of embarrassment when he remembered my journey and I felt bad that he felt he needed to appologize for that. I feel at peace with my luck now that i’m sick with an auto-immune disease. I wouldnt have been the mom I wanted to be if I had adopted just befoRe my diagnosis. Now he and I are happy with being just us 2. He has 2 grown girls who hate me but thats ok. They arent terribly close. I’m rambling. Good post. What happened to the one about gift echange??