By Lisa Manterfield
Recently a friend posted this question of Facebook:
“Are you the adult you dreamed of becoming?”
I laughed when I read it. No! Of course I’m not. The adult I dreamed of was an international engineering consultant, living in a large house with a circular driveway, with a fabulous husband and four beautiful children, including one set of twins.
Aside from the fabulous husband, that adult is almost the polar opposite of the adult I am now. I’m a writer, who works from my very small rented beach cottage, and of course, there are no children in my picture. And yet, once I stop to consider my friend’s question, I realize that I’m a lot happier as this adult than I would have been had my expectations been met. I’ve met the person I’d once dreamed of becoming; she wasn’t a very happy person and she definitely had more grey hairs than me.
I’m coming to the conclusion that half the battle of coming-to-terms with a life without children is letting go of our expectations—and creating new ones. This is never more true than during the holiday season, one of the most difficult times of the year to be childless.
When I think of my expectations of what Christmas should be like as an adult, those four children are always there, gathered around the tree, gathered around the dinner table, and then gathered around me as the day comes to a close. Even when I realized that children wouldn’t be part of my life, I still strived to make Christmas live up to my expectations. Consequently, Christmastime was very sad time for a number of years. I knew there was no way my expectations could be met, and eventually I stopped making an effort to celebrate.
The worst year was when my husband and I found ourselves sitting at home, with no Christmas tree, no plans, no celebration, and we knew we’d allowed our lack of children to take over our lives. We also realized it was time to set new, more realistic expectations.
When I took a step back and looked at what I really wanted for Christmas, not on the surface of gifts, family, and decorations, but on a deeper emotional level, I discovered that my spiritual wish list included love, peacefulness, companionship, and a good dose of silly fun. I needed to explore new ways to get what I really wanted.
It took a couple of false starts to find a new way to celebrate Christmas, but a couple of years ago we nailed it. Mr. Fab and I rented an apartment for three days in a nearby beach town. We celebrated on Christmas Eve with a lovely dinner at an historic hotel with an enormous Christmas tree, roving carolers, and even an outdoor ice rink (in Southern California!). On Christmas Day, instead of sitting at home feeling sad about a pathetic Christmas for two, we went to the zoo, like a couple of big kids, and had a whale of a time. I even got to feed a rhino and have an ice cream. We both agreed it was the best Christmas we’ve had for a long time, plus there were no tantrums or mountains of dirty dishes to deal with.
It’s hard to let go of our expectations, especially when they’re often so deeply engrained, but if you’re struggling to find your holiday cheer this year, I encourage you to look beneath the obvious losses and examine what’s really missing for you. Even if you can’t meet your tangible expectations of what the holidays should be, you might be surprised to find you can satisfy your true needs in unconventional—and unexpected—ways.
I don’t know what I want my Christmas to look like! So difficult to figure out. It’s very hard to let go of that old picture in my mind.
I struggle with accepting that life has more to offer and can make me happy in the end. I have a laundry list of failures and this infertility is too big for me to overcome. I am afraid I have given up celebrating holidays, gave away a lot of my Christmas decorations and refuse to put up a tree. I know that this only hurts me in the long run, but in a world where I have no control- I feel like I can at least control this. The yearning is so strong that I do not know how to look the other way. I have learned to identify the ole family picture cards and they go straight to the trash. I am afraid infertility is the last straw and has truly defeated me.
Michelle, you’ll get there. I don’t think that infertility has defeated you – but I know that there is a time when it truly feels like that.
I am facing this Christmas as the first one where I know I will never be a mother. It had always been a marker for hope for me…NEXT year I’ll be sure to have a baby. Last year at this time, I actually thought it would be true…. I was actually pregnant. We lost our baby tragically at the end of February and will not be trying again. So I am struggling to reframe what Christmas will look like, especially what THIS Christmas will look like because there should be a six month old baby to celebrate with. We have traditionally hosted Chrsitmas eve and will again this year. I think being busy hosting will help me stay sane. But I think the family Christmas card pictures are going in the trash…I thought I’d finally get to send my own this year and now I never will.
A
I am so sorry for your loss. I do know what you mean about hoping for the next year. I always thought the next year would be my chance to send out the cards with a baby’s picture – until it never was! I’ve pretty much let go of the dream and am in the process of figuring out what Christmas will look like going forward. For me, it is more of the same I guess…I’ve always loved preparing for Christmas and still do. That has not changed. We still thankfully have family to share the holidays with. Just a couple of years ago, I was really struggling to get through the holidays. It’s better now – that’s not to say that I don’t have my moments of sadness, but I am more at peace with it now. P.S. – I admit that I still cringe a bit when I open those Christmas family pictures though. ;0
Growing up I had very terrible Christmases. When I was living on my own for the first ime (at 23) and down at Christmas I decided then I would make new memories that were good to outweigh the bad. As a child, Christmas was hard because of poverty. So I have always been a secret Santa to a child or other person in need ever year. I always wanted a real tree as a kid, now I buy one every year. Every year on Christmas Eve, my husband and I share a quiet dinner for two, walk to the live nativity in town, and watch It’s a Wonderful Life (my favorite movie). I go to church the day after Christmas so I don’t have to see the crowds of family. That day in church tends to be full of lonely people or the elderly that can’t stand through a crowded Christmas mass and I feel like I’m more with the people who need me. Christmas day is spent with my siblings, their children and my parents, and has gotten better over time.
I have a good friend who has never been married or had children who is close to 50 and recently lost her job. We were out with my nephew and he listed a lot of things he wanted for Christmas. She told him, if you never have any expectations, life won’t disappoint you, and we all laughed. She inspires me to stay positive. For everyone else coming to this website, please practice self-care this season. Find the smallest things that bring you peace or comfort or joy and do them for yourself.