By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
I got cornered recently at a party by a woman who told me her husband was giving her breast implants and a tummy tuck as a thank you for having his children. My thoughts ran in this order:
- This woman has no concept of what “oversharing” means.
- This man is a genius! He’s given himself the gift of perky breasts while managing to convince his wife that it’s a gift for her. Well played, sir, well played!
- Wait a minute…she gets babies and new breasts?! That is so unfair!
That last item got me thinking about some of the procedures I think I’ve earned for surviving this whole journey through childlessness-not-by-choice, such as:
- Under-eye bleaching – to remedy the dark circles I got from epic bouts of crying.
- Hair transplant – forget covering the gray, I’d like to replace it with, oh, hair like Blake Lively’s.
- Butt lift – hours of sitting around feeling sorry for myself has turned my derrière to mush. I could go to the gym, but I don’t wanna.
- Tummy fat suctioning – emotional eating? Check. I could go to the gym, but see that last bullet.
I realize all of the above could be “fixed” with a simple ol’ fashioned attitude adjustment. I’ll get around to that, eventually, but today it’s way more fun to imagine the procedures—quick, painless, and free, of course—that will whip me back into shape.
Wanna play? What imaginary procedures do you think you’ve earned? Go crazy and have fun!
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
I am not sure what procedure I would choose but this does remind me of a moment with another childless friend of mine on this subject. We both have had a lot of grief to go through for years about being childless and are a support for each other. One day she mentioned that if you have a child your whole body sagged (breasts, waist, weight gain, etc.). We decided we were lucky because we would have the best looking bodies of most of our friends going into our 40s because we DIDN’T have children. It was a great moment to laugh and feel good about how we looked. Thanks for the topic!
This is so funny….
Also on a sort of tangent, this reminds me of when I was sitting in front of the TV with my husband and a reality star was announcing that the beautiful earrings she had on were a “push present” for “giving her husband a son” (yeah like as if anyone had any control over that).
I then turned to my husband: Well, I guess I get a “I’ve taken more needles than I can count” present then? Where’s my “I’ve had 15 catheters inserted into my uterus” present, honey??” Or “These are my you’ve gone far too insane on your tenth round of fertility drugs, you need diamonds” present. Eventually we found ourselves immersed in gales of laughter. The notion of someone getting a present for pushing out a healthy baby, after everything we’ve been through, is quite ridiculous.
After every fertility treatment or procedure, I bought myself something to cheer myself up. My doctor’s office was across the street from Bloomingdales – I asked him once if that was intentional and he just smiled and said it wasn’t an accident. After the miscarriage of my one and only pregnancy, my husband bought me something very thoughtful to cheer me up. I appreciated it but told him this time it might take a new car. He was willing to run out and get it that day. So ladies if you are reading, don’t hesitate to run out and buy yourself a gift if you think you need it. It doesn’t have to be expensive – but you deserve to do something nice for yourself.
I did get a procedure done that I wouldn’t have with kids. I got the double jaw surgery a year ago I’d wanted forever. I would not have attempted that process with little kids at home. I’m so happy with the outcome and glad I could do it. But recovery was a beast and I just couldn’t have managed taking care of others. So I guess in a way it was a reward for being childless.