By Lisa Manterfield
Photo Credit: “Rollercoaster” Stevie Gill
Today is Groundhog Day here in the U.S., that monumental day when Punxsutawney Phil comes out of his burrow, looks for his shadow, and thereby predicts whether spring will come early or if six more weeks of winter weather can be expected. It’s all good clean fun and not to be taken too seriously (although Phil is fairly accurate), and I’ll admit to getting a certain thrill out of the festivities and silliness.
In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray plays a weatherman stuck covering the low level news of Phil’s forecasting. Desperate to get out of the town, he finds himself stuck in a time loop, waking up day after day, reliving the same series of events over and over again, each time growing more and more frustrated.
I can remember feeling this way about grief. I recall waking up every morning thinking, “Oh no, not this again” and wondering why I should even bother getting out of bed when there was nothing worth getting out of bed for.
The thing I learned about grief is that, if you don’t get out of bed, you get stuck in that loop of feeling like life isn’t worth the effort. You can talk yourself into believing that life without children is no life at all, that you’re not complete unless you’re a mother—all those things we hear out in the world that we can start to tell ourselves.
It’s not helpful to ignore grief, to pretend it’s not real and that “everything’s okay, honestly” when it’s not. But you also have to beware of getting stuck in an endless loop of sadness. If you’re feeling that way, here are some ideas to get unstuck:
- Get out of bed
- Find support, whether that’s from your spouse, a trusted friend, an online community like this, or a therapist
- Don’t deny your loss and grief, but don’t allow it to swallow you whole
- Look for the positive things in your life and point yourself in that direction. Do you have a job that you love, hobbies that bring you joy, or other life goals you can work towards?
If you’ve found yourself stuck in this kind of grief loop, how have you found a way to break the cycle? If you’re feeling stuck right now, what could you do to make a change so you don’t have to endure another six weeks of winter gloom?
I dealt with my grief over infertility by focusing on my career. Six months ago, I had a major disappointment at work and found a whole new level of grief. It was the lowest point in my life. The past few months, I have kept a gratitude journal. Every day, I have to right down one thing that made me happy or grateful to be alive. It has helped a lot. It forced me to stop setting goals and measuring progress in my life in events. The smallest thing can happen in a day that makes you realize the world is wondrous in itself.
I love that idea Maria
I just realized I wrote “right down” instead of “write down.” Must have been a freudian slip.
I’m impressed with you Maria. That’s so hard to go through, and I like that you’ve found things to be grateful for. Sometimes it’s those “little” things that help the most. I recently stumbled upon a journal from a difficult period, and my gratitude list included things like “I am still breathing.” Believe me, it was hard to come up with things some days, but I appreciate that the practice helped me get to better days. Wishing you more better days, and soon. xo
Thanks Kathleen.
Like Maria I have used my career as a focus over the past few months. However, it quickly became clear that I was becoming a ‘work bore’ with nothing else to talk about.
Since this time I have focused on other things taking up hobbies that I enjoyed as a child and focusing on my passions. This has enabled me to meet new people and do things I never thought I would do and certainly not if I’d had children.
I have also made a list of things I would want to achieve before certain milestones. So last year I claimed a mountain and this year I’ll be running a marathon. Next year who knows, but I do know having an aim or a tangible goal had helped me enormously and made me realise that without children I’m a different person with different, more interesting horizons.
I know it’s not easy and I do still have bleak days but when I think about my future I feel more positive and know that it won’t be long before I can move past therapy and mourning the life I had felt had been stolen from me.
I journal. I have gone back to school. I am also learning to let myself be sad at times. The energy to keep the grief at bay is draining. It is okay to be sad on anniversaries.
It is also enough to be grateful I made it out of bed.
One of the ways I got out of the loop was to try (it took practice) to not focus on the “future” so much, and especially to STOP myself from the endless “I’ll never do X with my kids”….. that cycle is hard to do. It is like a muscle, you have to work at it in order to get stronger. I realized just how much time I spent imagining my *future* life, instead of living this one, now. Easier said than done, but it has helped me to get off the merry go round.
I’m grateful for this post. It made me cry, because only god knows will I ever have children. Recently good friend of mine asked me don’t plan a child, and instead of joke I told her. And it hekped a lot. She is the only person who knows besides my husband and doctor and I’m starting to consider who else could support me.
I already forced myself to get up, I should go out for a run. I will. Thank you, Lisa.