This week’s topic is the antithesis of the “People who talk about nothing but their kids” topic, but it can be just as difficult to deal with:
People who assume you don’t want to be around their kids
Feel free to bring your own topics to the comments if this isn’t what’s on your nerves this week.
It’s not just about people assuming we don’t want to be around their kids. It’s all the people you know (friends, family, acquaintances, neighbors, co-workers) who see you hurting and avoid you. No longer including you goes ways beyond their children. I watched the movie Cake with Jennifer Aniston this weekend and I thought the movie portrayed this subject very well. When a person is hurting (physically and emotionally) and that hurt turns to depression and anger, people that should be there for you (even doctors) turn you away. The subject was not about infertility, but about physical pain and emotional loss, and those are all part and parcel of infertility. When I was angry I blamed myself for pushing people away – that movie made realize it wasn’t all me — people turn away from you because they don’t want to deal with your pain – they want life to be easy and happy – and that doesn’t include us.
” – people turn away from you because they don’t want to deal with your pain – they want life to be easy and happy -” Yes. This. Because it isn’t always us.
I think people do assume I don’t want to be around their kids. My once best friend I think made this assumption, despite the fact that the only time I ever said I didn’t want to be around her kids was when I was in hospital with my ectopic pregnancy. How that factored in to the rest of their lives, I’m not sure. Thank goodness as I age it becomes less relevant, though, as the kids are growing up, off to university and jobs and their own kids.
This can be a complicated issue because, as Maria said, it goes beyond their children. Sometimes it is purely avoidance because of their discomfort with the situation. I’ll admit that sometimes it’s me – there are times I just don’t want to be around everyone and their children. It can be too much to take – you’re there but feel left out anyway because everyone just focuses on nothing but their children. So then you avoid these times for those reasons and then they assume you never want to be a part of things and just stop including you completely. It’s a double-edged sword for sure and sometimes it hurts either way.
This is a huge issue for me. When meeting new people, questions like ‘what do you do’ and ‘do you have kids’ are the norm. I’m not going to go into my whole history with someone I just met about WHY I don’t have kids, so I typically say “no” or “not yet.” Either one of these answers makes people who have kids uncomfortable and most of the time that is the end of the conversation and the last time we talk to them. It has made it quite impossible for us to make new friends. If these people are someone from work, church, or some other place we frequent, we often see them leading their kids away from us and only talking to us if their kids are doing something else far away, or avoiding us all together. It is incredibly hurtful and we make a point to ask about their kids, say how much we love kids, etc, but it doesn’t work. They don’t want their kids around us, no matter what we say or how we act.
The worst are people who know more of our story and still act this way. People who know we’ve done fertility and adoption with no success, and still shield their children from us. Many times we’ve invited families over to our house, made a point to say their children are welcome and to make sure they bring their suits to swim in our pool. And the excuse for not being able to come is that they can’t find a babysitter. It’s infuriating and downright hurtful.
I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and like I said, has made it impossible for us to meet new people and forge a relationship.
You made a great point. This happens to us also. It seems like some people with kids, even family sometimes, prefer us to go to their homes because of the kids. As if we have nothing to offer here that can keep kids occupied for a few hours. Short of rooms full of toys that they don’t play with anyway, we have everything else they have at their houses. We hear every excuse too. I honestly think it’s because here, they might actually have to supervise their children more closely due to the fact that my couches aren’t already stained from children’s drippings. LOL.
The other day I was having lunch at work. Some of the other gals were talking about an upcoming get together for moms and their kids. Many of my coworkers were going. It was another slap in the face about how I’m left out just because I don’t have kids. It hurts. I don’t care about not being invited to things all the time, but this felt like a blatant “I don’t fit in” thing, even though I know they didn’t even mean any harm.