Happy Whiny Wednesday! I hope you’re doing okay today. If not, this is the place to get it off your chest.
This week we turn to spotlight on the men in our lives and discuss the topic of:
Spouses or partners who aren’t dealing or healing
If you have one of these, we’d like to hear to about it.
I remember the days when I was in the depths of my grief. My husband could not understand my feelings so he could not deal with it. I turned instead to the Lord Jesus who led me to many sources of healing and support. One example of support is this community.
My whine for today, maybe more of a need to give voice to something, is that I do not see statements like “I will pray for you” in the comments section from people of faith when they see stories of people who are really hurting. A recent interview with Diana really broke my heart and stirred me to think about this. I prayed for her as soon as I read the entry, of course, but I didn’t say anything in the comments section because I was afraid I would be misunderstood and it would hurt rather than help. So add me to the list of those who didn’t say anything!
Ever since my “With Eyes of Faith” guest blog entries appeared on this site, I have been quietly praying for members of the LWB community. I’m writing today to ask those of you from all walks of faith who pray to join me and maybe — occasionally? — let people know in the comments section that you care this way.
Sorry, I just felt a strong need to say something. Thanks for letting me share.
Dorothy, even those of us who don’t believe understand the sentiments in a comment such as “you are in my thoughts and prayers.” It means someone cares, and that is so very important when we feel alone. Personally, I don’t think you should feel reticent in saying that if that’s what you want to say, and that the meaning behind it is “I care.” Equally, it’s not all or nothing. You can convey your thoughts, empathy and understanding without mentioning prayers if you are concerned your reference to your faith may not be well received. It will be interesting to see what others think.
Dorothy, I think it’s wonderful that you care enough to pray for others. Some people send positive thoughts and energy. Whatever the method, I think the underlying sentiment is the same – we all want to reach out and help each other in any way we can. And that is beautiful!
I think women who talk about their feelings and express their grief do rather better sometimes than men who don’t – and vice versa. My husband didn’t express his grief till he could see that I was recovering. That was quite hard to deal with at the time – because I’d finally be feeling good, and he’d pull me back down! But I could see too that he felt safe then to express his grief, and I appreciated that too.
As I’ve often said, my husband tells me if he doesn’t want to think about something, then he won’t. Lucky man! So I do think men heal differently, and need different things, and the worst thing we can do is expect them to behave the same way we do.
As an atheist, I am bothered when someone offers to pray for me. If someone says, “you are in my thoughts,” that has so much more meaning, because it is a simple, truthful statement. Praying for someone who isn’t religious gives more comfort to the pray-er, not necessarily to person being prayed for, which I think defeats the purpose.
My husband has never grieved the way I have, or am. I have sat across from him many times crying and telling him how much pain I feel and he doesn’t really say anything. He says he doesn’t know what to say to help me, but he does says he too wishes we had children. He says there is nothing we can do about so he focuses on what we have and I need to move on. I know he is right but all I can think about is all the wonderful events, love, and cherished memories I have, and will miss out on. How I wish I had such a matter-of-fact attitude about it like my husband, my life would be so much happier.
My partner have no grief to deal with. I met him later in life, when he already had two teenagers and didn’t want any more children and I felt I had finally met the man I wanted to grow old with.
So when he said “no children” a tough year started for me, when I had to decide if I should stay or go.
During this year, he saw some of my grief, but I don’t think he ever understood that my thoughts were a lot about leaving him, so he never worried.
Now I’m feeling better and he thought everything is fine, but it shocked him a few months ago when he asked me if I’m better about this child-thing now and I started crying and became so sad and said “yes it’s better as long as I don’t think our talk about it”.
He realised then that it’s there, just under the surface, for me, all the time.
My husband also has 2 grown children. We have had a lot of ups and downs throughout our IF journey. There has been a lot of blame and guilt laid on me for expressing grief and sadness. He has commented many times that life is what we make of it “if you aren’t happy, it is for you to change”.
Dorothy, I am glad that you have faith to turn to. I am one of those people who do not pray and have abandoned faith. I can understand when others pray and find comfort in it. I do not find comfort in others who try to guide me into prayers and faith. I hope you do not feel that other people that share my direction are judging. Please be proud of what gives you comfort. I always have a shoulder to lean on, but I do it in other means.