This week’s topic is another tender subject:
The constant struggle of feeling my life is imperfect because of not having children.
How do you feel about this? Has that feeling changed with the passing of time?
As always, the floor is open for any other whines and rants you need to get off your chest.
I guess I would not call it “imperfect”, as I am not crazy enough to think that people with kids have perfect lives! I know that we all have our struggles, and sadly some have more struggles than others. I do not even necessarily feel that I have more struggles than most, and I know objectively I do not have a bad life. but it is not at all the life that I had anticipated, dreamed of or planned for. And it is not like I had some far fetched dream like becoming an Olympian. It was basic, having a few kids. Plenty of people do it without any struggle at all. And the pain and longing never totally leaves. That is the part I hate the most. I will never be the bubbly happy person I was. I am not doom and gloom, but I am forever changed.
What is “PERFECT” anyway? Your life is how you structure it and if it doesn’t have children in it, then we have to make it into a “Happy” life as we see fit. The struggle of the “Emptiness” will always be there, but you have to find a way to fill the void and make your life as “PERFECT” as you can and still be “Happy” with who you are.
We made the choice or it didn’t happen for us…. I say… Move on and be Happy!
Ha you caught me at the right moment. Pregnancy announcement in my small office of moms today and there was a whole spiel from the preggo one about when will her friends ‘see the light’ and have babies too, so they’re all the same? How to join in with that depressing conversation? Rather than my life feeling imperfect, I have an uneasy sensation of missing out. I see some families and think they look horrendous, but because people talk as if having kids is the only real important thing to ever happen to a person (see every celebrity interview, every mom blog etc), it makes me feel resentful and uneasy more than anything. I’ve heard pregnant colleagues chatting in the same room as me who have said, ‘When it comes down to it, nothing else matters’. It’s the comments that make me feel rubbish, but how to avoid them? They are everywhere.
Hang in there, I recognise myself in your post and feelings. Comments/media, yes its everywhere and relentless. I was once told “you cannot change anyone” all you can change is your response. Its taken me a long time to change how I feel when someone makes an announcement or talks of their children. To start with I actively removed myself from the conversation – I would have a reason to leave the discussion (meeting, toilette). I would allow myself to feel really sad and low, shed tears. I also started to challenge what they said “how life fulfilling it is etc”, I said to myself – yes there are moments of wonderment and joyful experiences that I will not have, but they are moments. When they are away from the spotlight of colleagues and attention, what is it really like – full of fear, worry – I am only for myself looking at the balance – the reality. I still see pregnant women and feel sad for myself – but I now remind myself that its not all its cracked up to be. After all who are they trying to convince with their “its so wonderful” – why are there so many divorces if raising children isn’t stressful and difficult. This is hard to do – its not about being negative its about seeing past the gloss that society put on this. Women who can bear children – they are lucky their plumbing is in order – they are not better, nor more fulfilled necessarily than those of us who were not able to. Try challenging the comments to yourself – gradually, I hope, they will not make you feel this way. We can change how we feel – every time something triggers a sadness – put a coat of reality on top (parenting is mostly tiring, thankless, full of worry and tantrums!) and remind yourself – you are strong, compassionate and perhaps you are not missing out on so much. Must add – always acknowledge your loss and sadness though – being unable to bear our own children is unbelievable sad, which is largely unnoticed by friends and family (in my experience). People sharing their feelings here has helped me so much.
@Jane P UK. Ive had one of those days (they happen from time to time) Ive only just found this site, and im finding it really consoling. Thank you!
Hi angel,
Welcome. Very glad you found us. 🙂
Lisa -x-
Hi. Just joining in here. I have never commented on any of these forums, but I thought it might be a good opportunity to take advantage of a page actually entitled Whiny Wednesday – it’s like a get out of jail free card ;). In fact, this is my first time ever commenting in a forum about being childless and perhaps, for me, this is long overdue.
I was very touched by the comments made by both differentshores and Jane P. I too have heard one too many times that “when it comes down to it, nothing else matters (besides having kids).” I know in my heart that this is not true, but at 45, after marrying late in life (40), trying to conceive naturally, undergoing several failed IUIs and IVF, never even getting pregnant, and finally deciding to stop treatments about two years ago, it’s still very hard to hear. I’ve also spent my entire life working with children, first as a counselor, and currently as a high school teacher, and I know that you don’t have to be a parent to do something truly meaningful in life.
Yet, I still feel haunted by the “what-ifs” of my past. What if I had tried a few more treatments, what if I had tried donor eggs, what if I had saved more money for adoption? And this makes me so angry at myself. If I know that life has meaning whether one is a parent or not, why can’t I accept my condition and just move on?
I still find it painful to listen to the stories that my friends so readily have available about their kids, and I even often force myself to ask, as if I feel the need to prove that I’m totally fine with the hand that I was dealt. And I always throw in stories about MY kids, aka my students, as if I’m in some competition and am clearly losing, but am putting in a feeble attempt anyway. Kids of all ages are naturally drawn to me and it’s so easy for me with them, but even that is a constant reminder of what feels like my failure. Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with feelings of despair, helplessness and the idea that I missed out, and will miss out big time, on some of the most wonderful moments in life.
I’ve never tried to speak with other women who are like me and maybe that’s why I haven’t come very far in terms of coping. It’s hard to speak with my husband about this, as at 57 he really doesn’t want to bring up the topic anymore. And I understand him. And almost all of my friends have children and although they are sympathetic, they don’t quite know what to say or how to react. So I just don’t talk about it. But it’s an ongoing pain for me and I so desperately want to learn to cope with it in anyway that I can. And more than anything, I just want the pain to go away.
I had actually intending on trying to write something uplifting, but I guess this isn’t working out as I had planned. Still, I’m grateful to you out there who are sharing your stories because at least I realize that I’m not alone. And that helps. So thank you for that.
@different shores. I feel like and experience this often, its becoming progressively unbearable with each year that goes by
I’ll staying a a friend’s for a few days… held bought a large property on an island and he looks out over it and says, “you can have anything you want if you just work hard enough” and certainly he works hard! But… his 1st house in Toronto was bought with parental assistance. He & his wife had very well paying jobs & they bought a 2nd house & rented it out. When they separated he let her buy him out & used that money to buy this land.
I want to buy a house… just tried but couldn’t get a loan, literally because I am too poor… if I sigh, “oh, I wish my parents had money to help me out,” or “oh, I wish properties were cheaper like they used to be” he gets mad at me for seemingly asking for things to be handed to me on a silver platter! I want what he had: a little parental help, a well-paying job, a spouse with a well paying job, an economy where house prices are better for buyers… but apparently that means I do not want to WORK like HE did… wtf?! He seems to think I’m saying he didn’t work – I am certainly NOT saying that! Arg. And then he goes into his “anything is possible with the right attitude” shtick. Apparently, I just have the wrong attitude.
I’m not out about my infertility, and I will not go there with this person, clearly, he’ll just think I haven’t tried hard enough. But I know too many infertile people, too many sick people, to many poor people and too many dead people to ever think that “Anything is possible” and that “all it takes is hard work to get whatever you want”! Arg!
Well, back to work… maybe I can get *something* accomplished…
I find the people who really believe “you can achieve anything if you work hard enough for it” believe that because they have everything they ever wanted in life. They cannot understand how it feels to be denied what they want because they never experienced it. I have worked so hard my entire life, I beat my head bloody against a brick wall, and could not get the things I wanted (in my career or out of my body). The fact that I am still standing, and still trying, and can still find happiness in what I have, is a huge accomplishment. I’m proud of that, even if it’s different than what I wanted or expected out of my life. I hope you don’t visit this friend anymore.
Well said Maria – totally agree. I have always heard stuff like this from my own mother. I find it very difficult to visit her at the moment – she has always been self referenced and now I think yes, she has no experience of being denied anything. I feel better that I am limiting my time with her – its necessary right now, I’m licking my wounds and she is completely oblivious to my sorrow and has been oblivious for 20 years. If she were not my mother – I would now be at the stage where she cannot be in my life – I will see if I can look at it differently. Thank you.
Argh, Robin, I would have given that man a piece of my mind! (I’m not saying you should have – just that I am in the space right now that I could have done it.) This last week I’ve been writing a series about the “You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it” on my blog, and have one final post about privilege. He needs to understand that. Feel free to drop by.
I find our life is not really imperfect just different. We have gone through all the stages of life from being young & TTC and feeling inadequate to being the one left out of conversations, parenting, and crying at the drop of a hat to being a parent to the parent and being a caregiver…to being the older adult, the Senior the one without grandkids to gloat over.
We dont have PTAs to attend, we dont have Birthday Parties, our house is often quiet in the evenings, we find after retirement we need to get out & since we dont have the grandkids we try to find Free Gyms, church potluck & game days for seniors that is between Doctors appts. We dont have kids to help us so we have to have everything hired & fear of getting scammed because we dont have the kids to prevent that.
I guess a perefect life would be the Cleavers or the Brady Bunch but even parents are living with kids are finding their lives imperfect.
So I suppose we just want not a perfect life just a normal life, one where we cry when the youngest attends Kindergarden, or when the Christmas play begins or one where we see our child graduate, or we are the Mother of the Bride or where we get to babysit the grandkids.
Instead we live our life as we know it the best we can with a tad of perfection after all my husband is not staying with be because of the kids.
“The constant struggle of feeling my life is imperfect because of not having children. ” Whilst this was true of the first few years – both that it was a constant struggle and that I felt my life was imperfect – it is no longer true now. I’m struggling just as much now with feminism and international politics and ageism when trying to find a job, and recovering from an accident, as I am from childlessness. More so, on an every day basis. It really does get easier, though the time it takes is – as you mentioned in a previous post – longer (and shorter) than you might expect.
And I certainly don’t feel my life is imperfect. It’s a lot better than most people who have children. It’s different, it’s not as well understood or accepted by society, but it’s not imperfect. (Of course, it’s not perfect either, but whose is?)
My husband and I have a great life. We have a large home that’s made off, both have good jobs we enjoy, have great friends, able to travel, so why do I still feel empty? My husband says we have the world by the tail, but I still feel a huge hole is always present. Our neighbor just gave birth to her third baby when her second one is barely two! My husband wants me to go over and see the baby but I just don’t have it in me yet.
I hope and pray that some day very soon I will embrace the great life I do have. However, I know there are people out there who would trade all that we have to just have a child.
Hi Sherry – I think your husband is well intentioned, but hope you don’t feel you have to pop round. I’ve struggled to embrace the life I have and feel I’m getting there more so than ever in the past year. However, if my neighbour had a baby I most definitely would not be going round to see it. A brief conversation in passing would be progress and I am not pushing myself to even do this. I’ve stopped thinking I might be able to do this in the future. It helped me to realise that only you can know if this feels ok and if it never does, that’s absolutely fine.
I have stepkids and stepgrandkids, and for that I will be forever grateful. I love them all. However, it seems I will always have the feeling of not belonging to womankind, that I will be never truly understood or be accepted. That I will never feel the “no greater love” than raising a child of my own. These days, most of the time I have made peace with the fact I will never bear my own children.However, there is and will likely always be that part that says,”What if” and ” You have NO idea.”
This has been on my mind the entire week.Feeling worthless and less-than because I’m childless.Maybe because it’s Aunt Flo’s week,and maybe it’s the death of my aunt,who was also childless,and was like my 2nd mother.
Her death made me really think about her life.Now that I’m childless myself,I am getting a newfound respect for her and the pain she must have suffered not having children.My sisters and brother and I were like her kids.Hell,I spent more time at her house than my own sometimes.
So maybe I just need to remember that even if I never have kids of my own,I can still affect someone else’s life to such a degree,that when I die someday,I will be missed.I think that’s what most people want,to be remembered and loved after we’ve passed on,and we think the only way we can achieve that,is by having children,a legacy.I’m not going to have that, so I’ll just have to find ways to make my life matter in other ways.
Ani, first let me say that I’m so sorry for your loss. I often struggle with what you write about – the legacy aspect of being childless – the question of whether anyone will care for me when I’m older or even miss me when I’m gone. I took care of both of my parents before they died and I still honor their memory and miss them so much. I can’t help wondering what will be my fate when I’m older since I don’t have any kids. But your relationship with your aunt seems to me to be proof of the fact that you don’t have to have children to be remembered and missed.
This topic tends to haunt me a lot, but I’m working really hard to stop worrying about the future and rather focus on all of the blessings I have in my life today. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
I am currently taking an abstract art class because I can – the only other art class I have had was in high school about 20 years ago… anyway each week the teacher provides a bit of heART inspiration… Here is the inspiration from last nights class so had to share… just swap “weird” with “imperfect”:
“Blessed are the weird people: poets, misfits, writers, mystics, painters, troubadours: For they teach us to see the world thru different eyes!” ~Jacob Nordby
I don’t think I would say imperfect, I think I would describe it as incomplete.
We probably appear to others as having a fortunate life, travel when we want to (less and less in the current world political climate), financially secure (28 uninterrupted years in the workforce will do that), the options to pick and choose whatever takes our fancy, more or less, and overall it’s not a bad life. It’s just not the life I dreamed of. There’s this little void that will never be filled, and that sometimes dulls the enthusiasm for new ventures .
I have interests, but nothing I’m overly passionate about, and even they seem like second choices sometimes, and I’m at a bit of a loose end trying to find my plan B. First world problems I guess.
besides all that, our fortunate life that others see has more worries…at my age I get concerned about what will happen when we can still function but need more help. I almost got scammed the other day by a so called friend whom I used to work with…If I were a bit older & with no one to help me understand our ever changing world…I shutter to think what is go come, likewise my husband of 38 years has alot of medical issues & worries about if something happened to him how I would exist totally alone. Things others dont worry about.
@Kathryn… I couldnt have said it better myself! x
Besides all that our fortunate life that others see has more worries. I almost got scammed the other day by a so called friend of mine who was a former co-worker, I shutter to think what will happen years from now when we need more help in making decisions. also my husband of 38 years has alot of medical issues & worries about if something happend to him how I would function totally alone.