It’s Whiny Wednesday, your chance to gripe about the issues you’re dealing with this week. This week’s suggested topic is one we’ve all had to deal with:
An over-abundance of work pregnancies
I can relate to this one. When I was trying to conceive, I managed a small department of about eight people. One year we had three simultaneous pregnancies…and none of them was mine.
Whine away!
Jane says
I haven’t actually faced this… mostly worked from home but this week we were asked by a family member who lived a distance away if we didn’t ever have a desire to be with our nieces and nephews…
Loud clearing of throat. No. Actually what we want is to have a good relationship with the adults in the family and watch your children have a relationship with ours…
Nita says
As I got older & accepted infertility…yes we desired children but we also desired being & living closer to family…nieces and nephews…so we retired and within 3 years moved 4 times (easier for us to move since we have no kids) and discovered if we havent had a relationship in 30+ years its hard to develop one…we had sold everything (to which sister kept all yard decorations and table cloths) but we moved back to where we lived, worked and retired…just the two of us with no family…if they want a relationship the next move is up to them
Kara says
I don’t have this problem seeing that I don’t work outside the house but church on the other hand, or family.
The year we were trying to figure out what the deal was, one SIL had a baby in Jan, another was 6 months prego, and another announced she was expecting the week we found out my husbands sperm count was 0 (that also happened to be Mother’s Day week).
In July this year, in one week, we had 3 babies born at church. They all showed up at church the same Sunday 6 weeks later.
Bethany says
I’ve dealt with this. While I was going through miscarriage after miscarriage, everyone was pg or had a newborn. It was impossible to escape. Those that knew my circumstances didn’t seem to care- I had to endure the mom talk while waiting to naturally miscarry my dead child.
Kate says
I’ve been there Bethany. I find find work really tough sometimes as the pregnancies just seem to keep coming. I had two miscarriages last year and neither ended up miscarrying naturally so I too was walking around trying to deal with knowing my pregnancy was non-viable while holding it together around the pregnant people. I told a few key people who were supportive but of course one of them ended up getting pregnant as well. It’s still tough and I often feel like I have a smile glued to my face to hide my pain.
Misty says
Work can be tough. I’ve been to a couple of baby showers there and the worst part was when we were all given pretty cards to write advice for new mums. Cue abrupt departure to cry in bathroom. Also talk about ‘something in the water here; everyone gets pregnant’ and staff going into total frenzies when new mums bring their babies in. Ugh.
Jasminne Mendez says
I’ve noticed it comes in waves. Certain times of year everyone is announcing. Then everyone is planning showers. Then everyone is bringing in new borns. It’s never really in any order, just different waves of it all. I’m currently boycotting FB because everyone is posting baby bump pics or new born photos. I just can’t with all of it right now. I’m slowly crawling my way to acceptance and really trying to enjoy my childfree marriage without aching for a kid so I’m keeping my distance from anyone of child-bearing age.
Lisa says
All the women my age in my office are either moms or pregnant and it’s really freaking tough sometimes. I get so many “you’re next!” comments and I just wanna scream. Only a few close colleagues know about my infertility and even they constantly want to share their baby pics with me. Only people who have been through infertility know how painful it is and how angry and bitter it can make you towards others.
MJ says
Very true. Before I was in this situation, which has only been a few months, I was genuinely happy to hear pregnancy news and enjoyed the gush of baby talk while snuggling newborns. I even teased other non moms the way we get teased. I always just assumed this right of passage would eventually happen to me. Now that it may never happen, the assumptions and nosy questions merely make me bitter and angry.
I guess I need to realize these comments are said mostly with innocence and not take it personally. Even if a parents knows the reason one is child-less, they will never really Know and Understand. To them, it is simply something that didn’t work out, get over it and move on. Whereas, we feel it like a death in the family and mourn accordingly. Another reason we are so isolated and misunderstood.
Jenn says
Luckily I don’t have to deal with this often at work, but last year did have a 16 year old employee pg by her 15 year old boyfriend, sounds terrible, but I was thankful when she quit.
Talitha says
I work in an elementary school… I’m surrounded by a never ending string of young teachers who are getting married and then (what feels like weeks later) are rubbing on pregnant belly bumps. The conversations between my co-workers seems to be nothing but “mommy-to-be” advice and “I remember when” stories that I add absolutely nothing too. I already feel like I don’t fit in at work but this further pushes me to the out-skirts of work related get-togethers. I am only at year 12. I hope that soon than later hearing the “good news” about Mrs. Such-in-such gets easier.
Elena says
I go to Pilates class once a week with a friend whom I’ve known for years. She has moved into a very nice area about 6 years ago which is made up of cute Little houses and run as a cooperative (it used to be houses for railway workers). It’s a bit like a Little village and they have a Kind of community center there. A couple of years ago we started to go to Pilates class there. The Thing is, only families live in the area (the cooperative won’t rent the houses to childless couples or single people!), and my friend knows aaaaallll the women in Pilates class and many of them know each other because their children go to School together. I’m always The odd one out but just to go and sweat on a yoga mat an hour a week, it wasn’t too much trouble. But two weeks ago our very nice Pilates teacher invited us to her house (she lives in a village further away) and it was the first time I socialized with those women and even the ones who hadn’t know each other before, the immediately bonded over children – stuff. I felt like someone from another planet.
michelle says
I worked in an office where there was one woman who was openly trying to get pregnant and could not while 6 other women had kids once, twice etc. These coworkers know nothing of my infertility and struggles. Their comment about the other gal is “she starting treating us like dirt once we starting having kids”. It NEVER dawned on any of them how difficult this is. Not to mention, the single people get stuck picking up the workload for the moms. Non-mothers are expected to work longer hours and cover holidays times. I had to work extra days and 10-14 hours days to cover a coworker who off for 10 months while pg. We both went through IVF etc at the same time. I had not shared my journey. I had to listen to everyone talk about how great it was that she was pg, and how she deserved it. Great, apparently we don’t “deserve” to be mothers ourselves. I wish I could live in a bubble and never be around pg women, mothers or children..
Winnie says
I feel so bitter and so unhappy. I’ve watched my sister, best friend and everyone at work have children one after another with no break. I hate going out now because there are families everywhere. I feel my life has been such a waste because I’m not a mother. After all isn’t that what a woman is supposed to be here for to create life. Well that’s how I feel anyway.
As a child I was abused by my grandfather and best friends dad. When I was 15 I met a violent man who got me pregnant. I knew I was but all the tests came back negative. My doctor was horrible and lost his temper with me for being paranoid so he put the heart monitor on my stomach and what I heard has never left me. I was 15 and my parents convinced me to abort, but no one told me I would have to go through induced labour. It was one the most horrendous 23 hours of my life and I have never forgiven myself for doing it. I met my partner 20yrs ago and he said he wanted a family but when I found out I was pregnant again I was elated. But because we didn’t have a home of our own he convinced me to abort. I was 4wks and agreed because he said when we were settled things would be different. I’m 41 now and he flatly refuses to have a family. I love him but feel so betrayed by him. And once again I hate myself. How on earth can I ever enjoy life again? I really don’t want to live this cruel life anymore. I have distanced myself from all my friends as they all have families now and I am the only one at work who is childless. Why is life so bloody horrible. I really don’t know what to do.
robin says
Winnie, be strong. You WILL get to a better place.
I’m no doctor or expert or anything; I don’t know much, but I have thoughts, which, please take with a grain of salt:
First, get counseling. Get a therapist for yourself for sure, and if possible, get therapy as a couple.
Second, I’m going to make what might seem an odd suggestion – volunteer. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter, or a place that helps refugees, or at a hospital, or at an animal shelter – find somewhere that NEEDS people helping – and it actually might be hard work and not fun, you might see miserable situations, but you’ll meet new people, and if they children or not will be moot, and while seeing people (or animals) who are homeless, who are alone, who are suffering or lost, is not a nice thing, and can be a terrible uphill battle sometimes, you will be doing GOOD. I think you need to be needed, even if just for a little while. Step out of your own life for a little bit (a day here or there, a couple hours a week, whatever might work for you), and find someone or some cause that needs help.
Lastly, join something fun. An old art you used to like but haven’t gotten to do in a while or something that interests you but you’ve never tried it? Take a class! Join a team – a sport, community theatre, a meet up group for some hobby? Step INTO your life – I have friends in their 30’s and 40’s joining ballet classes, doing yoga, writing circles, photography meet-ups, marshal arts classes, music lessons – you name it! It’s things they WANT to do, and it is so grounding and satisfying to endeavor at something you actually like. Some things cost money, but some are free. Sometimes you need to create it yourself, and that’s a bit harder, but worth it! I love puppetry, and I sacrifice time that I could be earning money to creating groups and opportunities to perform, and building puppets, but the satisfaction is worth it to me. If you’re not sure what you like, try different things. Sample things.
Winnie, I hope you are feeling better today. Life IS bloody horrible, but it is also fantastically wonderful, too! sometimes at the same time! sometimes just down the road and you have to look for it; don’t shut out the wonderful because all you see is the horrible. Wonderful might be hiding, and you might have to look for it, but don’t give up on it! That’s my advice, for what it’s worth – THERAPY is a good thing, take care of yourself, help someone ELSE (human or animal) and find something fun for your SELF.
Good luck and well wishes – all of us here do care and hope for the best for you!