Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: Fearing the Quiet

Whiny WednesdayThis week’s suggested Whiny Wednesday topic is thought-provoking:

Fearing the quiet we will have for years

How do you feel about this? Is it something you worry about? If not, what is on your mind this week?

Comments

  1. I actually prefer when things are quiet, since we often have out of town visitors staying with us, I love the times the house is just my husband and dog and quiet. I’m just blah this week, too many pregnancy announcements at once.

  2. I like the quiet. But I fear the future when I’m old and gray and there is no one to check on me or my husband and we are left all alone. Or die and it is days before we are found; because no one cares.

  3. This is a good topic. I had a terrible general fear of the “quiet” when I still thought I might have children, but now that the window is closed on that, I am more or less OK about it. Probably because I have to be. When I was 37 to about 42 I had whipped it up into the worst thing possible, I couldn’t stand my own company and my own deafening thoughts about living out my life in long, empty, silent days. I thought that children represented bustle, warmth, busy-ness, occupation, and that without them I would sit navel-gazing all day and getting more and more self-indulgent. I imagined everyone having bustling Christmases where I would always be the house guest. I was constantly saying to parents who moaned about wanting to read the paper in peace, or have a dump on their own, “but you don’t know what it’s like when your life is just QUIET all the time – it’s awful”. Obviously that fell on deaf ears and I think only CNBC people really know what I’m talking about. If I took a day’s leave during that awful period, and had no plans, I often ended up hanging around the house crying. Nothing to do. However, that horrible general terror of quiet did go away, and I’m hoping it will stay away. It disappeared over the last year (I am now 44); I don’t know how. I am lucky to have a very decent partner and I think I didn’t appreciate that until now. I like having time to myself now.
    I’m still working on trying to find out how I got to feeling better. I hope it will be comforting to other women who may feel desperate like I felt, that it does go away; I don’t think we can sustain fear at that level permanently.
    Like the comment above, I’m now just worried about ending up on my own when I’m old, but that’s a different kind of fear I think.

    • Different shores,

      Thank you so much for this! Before childlessness I was fine on my own and revelled the quiet and creativity, a book and a cup of tea. But now since 3 years – and having no partner, I dread being on my own as I just am in my head, in my fears and it is a very, very scary place to be – full of catasrophies and self-critical thoughts, ache in my heart for the baby I don’t have (and won’t have, I am 42 and only would want one in a stable relation, which it is too late to establish now) despair, hopelessness and a wish to just dissappear. I just can’t see any way out. I have always been selfsufficient and strong, but here I feel only utterly miserable, vulnerable and weak and I would be so grateful if you could find what pushed you over to the other side.

  4. I enjoy being on my own, our with my husband and our cats, and I like the quiet. But I am afraid of ending up alone when I’m older, and I fear the quiet then. I’m worried that no one will care to check up on me or even call, and I often imagine my friends who do have kids eventually moving away to live with their kids and me then being utterly alone. It’s depressing. I know there are no guarantees in life, but I still feel my friends with kids will be better off than me. I hope I will get lucky and remain healthy. If not perhaps some kind soul will be in my life to help me. God willing.

  5. For now, I don’t worry much about the quietness at home because I love it that way. Sometimes when I visit my grandmother who is taking care of her two grandsons ages 9 and 10, I am thankful that I don’t live in our old house because it’s chaos with children. It’s just a little sad during the holidays though, like now that Christmas and Halloween is coming. I only hope that after ten and twenty years it will still be the same. I am planning to live near my sisters and brothers’ house in about ten years so when we get old, at least we’re together, with my other relatives. Here in the Philippines it is very common for a family to live near each other even they already have their own families, and the children have already grown up and get married and have their own children.

    We can never really tell what’s going to happen in the future, right now all we have is to be always positive and live the best we can and be prepared for our old age…

    • One of the better things of living in more traditional and developing countries is this in my experience… People are closer to each other… Families and friends tend to live closer.

  6. I’ve always preferred the quiet but I do occasionally day dream about what might have been. We can’t change anything though, it is what it is.

    I do wonder about the future and maybe looking at retirement village life, more as a support system, since we can’t expect extended family to be there for us.

  7. I don’t mind peace & quiet, but I’ll admit that sometimes I get a little bored and feel a little isolated. Most of the time, it’s just dh & me, and I think it would be nice to have a slightly more active social life than we do.

  8. I live in Colorado and am recently divorced. When I’m down one of my best friends here (who has two kids) is always saying things to me like, “why don’t you go for a solo hike, or go to the spa for some alone time, that always helps me feel better.” Every time I have to reminder her that I spend most of my time alone, and while I love hiking and spa-ing, I’d always prefer to do it with good company. It’s frustrating, but it’s totally the social norm. Feeling frazzled? Indulge yourself with some me-time! I get lots of me-time, thank you.