Happy Whiny Wednesday! I hope you’re doing okay today. If not, this is the place to get it off your chest.
This week we turn to spotlight on the men in our lives and discuss the topic of:
Spouses or partners who aren’t dealing or healing
If you have one of these, we’d like to hear to about it.
My husband isn’t upset that we can’t have kids. He is upset that I’m upset but he has told me that he is okay with it. In many conversations we’ve had he has told me that he is selfish, doesn’t like change and to have a kid would be nothing but changes and that he feels that he might resent having a child because he wouldn’t get to do what he wanted to do…mainly all the traveling we do. We have so much freedom to do whatever with no kids that he felt that if we had a child that he would lose that freedom.
We BOTH went through the process of being tested and we tried to add children to our family but in the end it wasn’t going to happen for us. He let the final decision to stop trying be mine.
Hi Kara,
I feel your situation, we have been “trying” for over 5 years and medically nothing wrong with either of us …. that fabulous term of unexplained infertility …. anyway like you my husband is very supportive, (but in my mind he is also scared of freedom loss) and it has become my decision… (well sort of).
Following all the pills and prodding and poking we have undergone over the last 5 years he has taken a firm stance on No IVF, (he does not want to put me through all the treatments. as I had a tough time on the meds.) I am ok with this (I think) as … well, it is very expensive and low probability after 35 and also hormones and meds in the past have turned me into a bit of a monster.
IVFs was our last option for convincing a child ourselves, as we have tried all other medical treatments possible, and some more than once!! So we decided to pack it all in and stop trying and move on with each other and our lives …
To support this and facilitate my mental health and our moving forward, I personally made the decision to go back on birth control and stop the monthly anguish of not seeing two lines, tracking ovulation, temp and all that not fun stuff. ….
he says sweet things like he married me not the ability to have children… however I am stuck …. he has got off the baby train and somehow I was unable to leave the train with him, despite agreeing to stop trying and move on with our lives, physically and mentally I am better not a bag of crazy hormones anymore and the tears have slowed…. this is the hard part now … he has mentally “moved on ” and trying to embrace our childless life, we also travel a lot and he has changed his job, and trying a new career by setting up a new business. as we do not need to save for a college fund that is never happening we can take more risk, and as such I support him taking the leap of faith and I am too searching for that thing you would do if you won the lottery or had no major responsibility. the only problem is I can’t get of the damn baby train and I feel if my life is in a holding pattern, hubby is off the train and carving the new life unplanned (but I can’t seem to even dream of a life path for me. my imagination is blank, and I don’t have any dreams ….
In my relationship as many of you will I am sure will understand, the topic of trying for babies or being sideswiped by sadness at a commercial become a bit of a sore spot, where my husband’s face drops as he knows there is nothing more he can say or do to stop the hurt and is so desperate for me to, feel better. I also know he hurts, and me bring it up opens his black box of pain, …. which he has successfully closed and tucked under his arm whilst stepping of the baby train, which in turn seems to allow him the strength to crave the new life …. The strength and vision I am sorely lacking right now.
Any tips to get off the train and redirect yourself would be very appreciated.
Hugs to everyone reading
Stay strong xxx
We never made it past the consult visit with the IVF doctor. With our genetic issues IVF wasn’t really going to work for us without doing extra things and WAY more money.
He was 100% against adoption and I was 80% against it. But with him being a big fat no on adoption I gave it no more than a passing glance at how much it was.
As for jumping off the train….I jumped off about 4 years ago. But that doesn’t mean the grief isn’t still there. Most days are good. It was like as soon as I jumped off the train, it ran me over. Healing takes a long time. My husband jumped about 6 months before me but he jumped clear of the tracks. Other than hating seeing me hurt he isn’t bothered by it. He likes the freedom we have. I like the freedom we have. That doesn’t mean that I don’t wish there were two little kids tagging along for the ride.
Hi Kara,
Thank you for the reply , I am weirdly comforted to know that these feeling do not go away just get easier to deal with , and that my husband is not the only one to “clear the tracks”. I am not sure what I was excepting but very comforted by your response and knowing these feelings are normal and that “landing on the tracks “( love that analogy ) seems to be seems to be part and parcel of the process and possibly the plight of the women,( as Sherry has mentioned ) I do hope to drag myself from under this train and take strength from brave strong women like you . thank you for sharing.
Becca
It sounds like you are where I was, 6 months ago. It’s ok not to have any vision right now. I wish I had some helpful piece of advice, but the sadness slowly, slowly, slowly faded for me. I’m doing so much better now than I was 6 months ago, but I also have to admit that I’m skipping Christmas this year. My family is out of town and we – being the childless ones who don’t have to pack anything up – are always expected to do all the driving to come to them. And we do, and it’s fine….but this year….my cousin is being induced on 12/12 with a baby she will tell you she “struggled for SIX MONTHS to conceive!” and of course did so without any intervention of any kind. Can’t do it. Just can’t this year. I’m trying to live by the main takeaway from this site, which is really just “be kind to yourself”. We will both be better one day.
Hi Amy,
Thanks for the reply and kind words, so glad to hear you are doing better and even though it appears we both have a long journey ahead of us, thank goodness for this forum. I totally support your decision scion and have done the same thing last Christmas when my husband’s sister got married and had a baby in under 8 months (born in sept) and them procced to give everyone for Christmas mugs pictures, calendars and T-shirts with the picture or date or initials of their new bundle of joy (which FYI is a boy, and they named him after my husband’s father.) This to me was just too much to handle……not being able to give them a grandchild despite being married for over 9 yrs. and trying for over 5, the sister also named the baby boy after their (living) father. I took as a kick in the teeth as we could not carry the name on .. and then the paraphernalia…… I mean there is only so much you can take …. last Christmas we watched movies, ate sushi and went to the beach, whatever you end up doing this Christmas enjoy and I totally agree with you, the mantra we need to embody.” be kind to yourself”.
Thanks again and good luck with the journey.
Becca x
Hi Becca – hang in there – it does take a long time to get over when you finally make that decision. My husband seemed to jump clear – I don’t think they feel things quite like we do, even so, 3 years on and my husband’s reaction to things seems to come out more. I think he stifled his thoughts for my benefit. We are more open now – as we moved on. I still get sideswiped on a regular basis and need to check in to LWB to remind myself I’m not crazy, not being able to create your own family is a lot to handle and is a big thing. Equally, over the years I have been waiting to find the “thing” I’m going to do. 3 years on and I realise, I am fine as I am – going to work, doing day to day regular stuff is fine. Just because I don’t have a family to raise doesn’t mean I need to be wow at something. I do my job to the best of my ability and I concentrate on having fun at the weekends! Lots of treats along the way …. Be good to yourself, you are enough as you are, dreaming and looking forward to things again (different things), does come in time. I am 49 now and we tried for a family all our married life (20 years) – we underwent 7 IVFs over the years and tried in-between times waiting for a miracle. I still now sometimes check the calendar for my “fertile” time – what an eejit, old habits die hard…….
Hi Jane,
Thank you for the reply, it is a comfort to know I am not losing my mind and as you mentioned, I am also thankful for LWB to remind me I am not crazy , and the heads up that sideswiping does not stop. I am also very glad that I am not the only one that feels or has felt, they need to be wow at something, last year in the start of acceptance on not having children and attempting to jump of the baby train, I started a master with the vision to get a Doctorate so I had something fab to say or talk about …. sad I know …. I am slowly realising like you said I have to start to love myself for who I am now. and just to do my best and enjoy life. I cried a little reading your post and did not realize how much I need to hear that “you are enough as you are”.
However, your post also made me chuckle, with old habits dying hard, and the word eejit, I live in the Caribbean and do not hear the word very often as a uk expat brought a heart-warming smile, to follow my pity tears.
Thank you for sharing your journey, hopefully I can update you all as I begin to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi Becca – so glad to put a smile on your face and thank you for your reply and kind thoughts. Keep checking in and leaning on us for support – it makes such a difference to know that its ok to feel all the emotions that this journey brings – hopefully though, slowly we get “ourselves” back.
different whine… I decided to become more active in “building my own family”, actively building my network of friends. This includes inviting people to my home more often since usually I end up meeting friends downtown or at their homes. So I invited a long list of people to my house last sunday for an informal get-together. Many couldn’t come, it seems a busy time of the year. Well when there is a previous arrangement, I of course understand. But one friend (former work colleague) contacted me only AFTER the event informally on facebook saying that “he had preferred a quiet family sunday, sorry”. That’s not a excuse, is it? He just didn’t want to come to my party and now says having a family is a reason not to do so? Or was he thinking that I was having a wild party like back in the days when we were all young students? Even when I don’t have children, it doesn’t mean that I am mentally stuck in my 20ies. the party was very quiet and well behaved…
I so wish I could adopt my husband’s attitde about not having children. He so wishes it would have worked out, but is able to focus on the positives in our lives. I wonder sometimes if it’s harder for women because of our motherly instincts, and I do try to focus on the positives, but I will always have that feeling that something is missing.
Most of the time, my husband seems fine. When pressed, he admits he feels cheated. He was an only child, and lost his mom before he was 4, and his dad was in a wheelchair throughout my husband’s adolescence, until he himself died shortly after. No siblings. Not close with cousins or even very many friends. If it weren’t for my large, loud, obnoxious, loving family, he wouldn’t even know what he was missing out on.
My husband is fine about the fact that we didn’t have kids. He would have been ok had we not tried at all. He wasn’t against trying though, in fact, he was a wonderful source of moral and emotional support throughout the miserable IUIs and IVFs and I’m sure he would have been happy if we had succeeded/ But I think the ups and downs of the hormones, and most especially the devastation in me that followed the failures, was very hard for him to watch. He let me decide when to throw in the towel. It was all up to me from the get go.
I really love him for his support, but I wish he had been more gung-ho about having kids because maybe then we could have at least looked into adoption. Then again. had he been more into it, we probably would have spent more time, money and heartache on all of the infertility treatments and who knows if we would have ever succeeded. The lesson here for me is to be thankful for what I have.