Even though we’re taking this week off, I couldn’t leave you without a last whine for 2016.
It has been a pretty wild year, hasn’t it? I am certainly hoping that 2017 shows some big improvements.
But, before we close out this year, here is your last opportunity to rant this year. It’s an open forum (within reason), so feel free to get things off your chest so we can start fresh next year.
Happy whining!
Two months ago my cousin, three years younger than I, became a grandmother. She has three daughters and the oldest one had a baby girl.
I haven’t visited, which is ok, we don’t see each other more than at a family get-together once a year nowadays, I’ve just sent congratulations over fb.
Before Christmas when my partner and I was at the huge grocery store, I saw a man I recognised. I froze, my heart beat, it was my cousin’s husband. I guessed she would be there too and she is so… family oriented.
I hid. just couldn’t.
I was tired, nearly exhausted after a very rough winter at work and it showed: I’ve gained weight so my coat was tight and I was wearing a pair of ill fitting jeans. My hair shows my tiredness, so it was like a spider’s web hanging around my ears. My skin was gray. I was wearing no makeup.
And that’s just the outside. On the inside, tired, sad, lost, not at all in the mood for congratulating the new grandparents.
So I took off. Since I had the credit and membership cards, and didn’t dare to look for my partner to give them to him, I sneaked to one of the staff and told her there was a person in the store that was not to see me and I needed to get out and could I leave this with her and then call my husband and tell him where it was?
I must have looked desperate. She seemed to think I had a dangerous ex-husband after me and helped me. I texted my partner and told him I was outside, in the car, and not to call me if he met them and they wanted to say hi.
He knows how tough I think this is, but wasn’t too happy about being left alone with the shopping.
He did meet them and the daughter and the baby and they made him hold the baby and laughed about how they were sure he really wanted another one (he has two kids and when we met he was very clear about not wanting another one).
Thank God I left! I could not have handled that!
Wonderful.
Just saw on Facebook that my other cousin, four months older than I, just had her second grandchild, a boy, born today.
My cousins are becoming grandmothers, their daughters becoming mothers and I just managed to stop dreaming about becoming a mother about one year ago or so and I’m 48 now.
I’m in the beginning stages of coping with the idea that motherhood will not happen for me. It’s been extremely difficult to accept and of course, just like so many others on here, getting through the holidays has been very difficult too.
I just recently purchased the book “Life Without Baby” and have started reading it. I have also started following some of the conversations on here. I’m thankful to finally have a connection with others who share the same unfortunate circumstances and who truly understand what it’s like to be in my shoes.
Christmas was rough this year, from many mentions of wanting grandkids and great grandkids and my cousin stating if she doesn’t find a guy in a few years or so she’ll just do invitro (because that is so cheap and easy and of course guarantees a baby ). Just felt like less of a person this year for some reason more than others because I can’t have kids and the few times I did get pregnant over the years I had losses. Counting down till we can move out of this area in a few years and move somewhere it’s warm year round.
Jenn –I hear you, Xmas was tough and it’s so frustrating to hear comments like that. And, I keep telling my husband I want to move somewhere south too. I tell him because of the weather (and I really do HATE the cold here in Minnesota!), but honestly, I really want to escape life as I know it. Move somewhere new, like a fresh beginning, I guess. Maybe it’s simply having something to look forward to…
I just been feeling all around devastated I am single, childless. It’s becoming so hard to see married couples with their babies. I mean they have their little families and I just ask why I wasn’t I meant/able to achieve that. I saw a couple today with a beautiful baby girl in her fathers arms. She was the kind of baby girl I always envisioned I’d have; Dark, curly, hair cinnamon complexion with daddy’s face. Tears just began to fall with no effort. It’s been so hard seeing a baby girl lately.
That’s all I ever wanted was my little girl. I had this baby name that I never got to use. Yet I still can’t let it go or share it. When I see a baby girl I always find myself thinking my little J*******a that never got to be. then I cry my eyes out its like she was a real baby. In public when I hear an infant cry it’s like being stabbed repeatedly in the heart and anxiety floods my body.
In the midst of the pain I’ve still come a long way but.I realized no matter how much I have overcome it’s still a daily battle coming from all directions.
I am so sorry to read how you feel. I’ve been there too. Yes, involuntary childlessness is like having had and lost a child. Being single doesn’t help in the least, nor does it when people tell you that you just need to find a new partner.
The tears will stop after a while, but the hurt remains.
Hi ! I am also facing that motherhood will not happen to me. Didn’t have a good Christmas since I was sick….and my Goddaughter anounced she was pregnant as well as one of my coworkers ! It was a mix of happiness and sadness. Some of my friends have children and some even have grandchildrens.
So, not much of a support and a lot of advise. Truly a lot. I only need “to be listened and a shoulder to cry if I need to”….simple as that.
I’m so grateful for sharing with you ! Thank you. You are on my prayers.God bless
I used to think that listening to friends talking about children & grandchildren was bad. But I realise now that was nothing… I’ve just gone through my second year without my darling husband who passed away from cancer on 30th December 2014 and feel so very very lonely. I thank god that I still have my lovely mum, who’s 90. But I have no other close family. Sorry, I just had to write this down. I wanted to say to those of you who have your husband/partner, please please cherish them. I think I used to focus too much on what we couldn’t have (kids) and I didn’t always appreciate what a lovely man he was.
Lucy – I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for the reminder than regardless of the pain of not having children, we still need to be stop and enjoy the people we do have in our lives. I’m an only child and I know that I may be alone one day and need to treasure the time I have with my parents and my husband. 2016 was been a terrible year, hoping that 2017 brings some joy to all of us.
Lucy – so terribly sorry for your loss – yes, as Lisa says, a very good reminder to us all to embrace what we have and cherish our partners/friends and parents (perhaps forgive our siblings/friends for their lack of understanding) we never know what is around the corner for any of us. Wishing you strength and courage for 2017. Thank you for your very brave post.
I look back at 2016 and think, wow, I wasted so much time on planning a life with a child. I wasn’t really living this past year…just planning, waiting, and basically holding my breath until I saw a positive pregnancy test for once in my life. And it never happened…not once, not even a faint second line. Not even knowing what is really “wrong” with either of us (apparently nothing other than age according to the million tests) casts a dark, mysterious cloud over us. A big question mark that will never be answered.
2016 was a roller coaster of emotions each cycle that went by, each intervention or medicine I took, all of the money spent on copays, labs, etc. My only hope is that I find the strength to move on, redefine my life and what I picture it to be. Because for the past 3 years I thought my life would be complete once I had a child. Now I need to complete it in other ways, but right now I’m lost.
My end of the year rant, is that people at times do not seem to value my time. And I feel this is closely related to not having children. Like when it comes to getting groups together, my attitude which could be real or imagined, is well let Sandy do it, she has all the time in the world. Or I have attempted to connect with friends, and say a certain time is available but it is not a time that works for me. But the other person really pushes it, because it works for them. Some times I do not change my plans and my cannot get together, other times, I do. I am not sure if I am glad I changed my plans or ot. Or having more time that means I can give to a friendship., but I recently started thinking about is this friendship based on listening to dramatic stories about a friend and her alcoholic husband. And there relationship.I guess,aye why this bothers me so, is I felt like at different times in my life I sold myself out , perhaps values etc to make a dream come true. And what would happen if I let that dream go? I guess when I see this friend of mined oink everything to make it work, I want to yell and say can’t you see it?Bit it was the exact thing I did to myself when I wanted to be so desperate to be a mother.i lost track of myself and stopped asking questions is this good for me? Is it realistic? She keeps chasing this relationship. Like I kept chasing motherhood,which I thought happened when we adopted our son briefly, till his mother changed her mind and we had another choice to make, fight or let go. All choices were horrible, but we let go more for him than us. And at times I think we’re is my compensation for doing this altruistic thing. But there is not any compensation just a sand and traumatic tale which we have to live with. Thanks for the forum, this is one place where I can say all this stuff and at least get some relief or clarity. Much love toll of us traveling this path.
Crying reading all your stories as i am going through this struggle as well .. keeping you all in my prayers as well as myself .. hoping this new year is different in a good way because 2016 was just a big old train wreck by hearing so many pregnancy announcements and none of then mine .. big slap in the face and to end the year and ruin my anniversary i had to get an MrI of the brain to check to see if i had any tumor (which turned out i did thank God) but still ruined my new years waiting for the result