By Lisa Manterfield
I heard this beautiful interview with poet Edward Hirsch on the topic of grief, and I wanted to share it with you here.
You may be wondering why an interview with a poet about the death of his son has a place here, but listen carefully to what he says about loss, mourning, and the process of healing. So much of what he has to say is what I’ve also learned about healing from loss.
“There is no right way to grieve, and you have to let people grieve in the way that they can. One of the things that happens to everyone who is grief-stricken, who has lost someone, is there comes a time when everyone else just wants you to get over it, but of course you don’t get over it. You get stronger; you try and live on; you endure; you change; but you don’t get over it. You carry it with you.”
In his 78-page elegy to his son, he writes that mourning is like carrying a bag of cement up a mountain at night. There is no clear path to follow, but when you look around you, you see everyone carrying their own bags of cement.
As a poet, Hirsch used his writing, not as a way to escape grief, but as a way to express what he couldn’t otherwise say. One of the most striking points he makes is on the topic of healing and how our society talks about the need to heal. But, he says, in order to heal, you have to be able to grieve first.
Most of us have faced a lack of understanding about the loss we’ve experienced because we didn’t get to be mothers. We have no place to express that loss, and without facing it and acknowledging it, we don’t get to grieve and we don’t get to heal.
If you’re struggling with loss, have you found a way to express your grief? Even if you’re not a writer, could putting your feelings down in words help you move through your grief? I know it has helped me through mine.
Almira says
This may be slightly off topic but kinda related. I agree .. we all must grieve before we start healing .. people’s comments and questions still sting and it feels like the infertility wound is still raw. i asked a friend how should i get over all of the insensitive comments towards me .. and she simple said “you have to be honest with your self and grieve and heal fully”
Jane P (UK) says
Hi Almira – yes I have wondered how to grieve to heal. I have read time and time again that in order to grieve we need to be heard and our pain acknowledged. I have tried to stop looking outside of LWB for the compassion I need, however I feel stuck without the acknowledgement from friends and family. Insensitive comments make it difficult to fully grieve.
Claire says
I am about to start my MBA class this week in a nearby university. Thankfully I can afford the tuition fee I just have to devote my time and energy. The class is every Saturday. I have been thinking about this before since I don’t have kids to take care of why not devote my time to something to add value to myself career-wise. I know this I will never get over the grief. The’re this hole in my heart that will forever be there, I may forget this sometimes but it will still be there 🙁