By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
A friend recently shared this with me on Facebook:
While I strongly disagree, I do feel compelled to share some of my thoughts on this.
- WTF?!
- You just sent this to someone you know is childless not by choice. Are you trying to make me feel less-than again?
- So, yeah, I don’t think it’s all about me. Ever. Never did.
- I didn’t need to bring a child into the world to get this. Does that make me a better or more evolved human?
- I’m going to go with “yes” to my last question.
Seriously, what would be an appropriate response to this? If you got it, would you simply un-friend the heartless dimwit? Let’s have some fun with this: Assuming you have no intention of sending a reply, but want to get it out of your system, what would you say? (By the way, I did not reply to her. I sat on this for a couple of months, steaming, until I figured out I could vent here.)
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Once you are an adult, fall in love, go through problems both physical and emotional, love beyond measure, suffer both physically and emotionally, pick yourself up and go on……
You begin to realize Its not about you anymore
But
About what you have learned in the process, who you can help, and how you can go one with the life that God has given to you.
Wow. That’s lovely, Nita. 🙂
Sorry this happened to you .. people have no consideration and are heartless .. I would assume shes a mom and SHE is the one who is self centered sending you this pic and not considering your feeling .. i would tell her to follow her own advice .. Gosh the number of time people say stupid sh*t bothers me so much.
what i would really tell her is:
“I don’t need you to tell me that .. and have a conversation with her asking why she sent it and what’s her purpose behind it? (if you care to continue being friends with her that is) or just cut off ties with her
I had a friend who, when she was announcing her pregnancy to me, she said the most insensitive self centered things and i kept it in .. she said “oh i hope you’re not feeling bad & “make sure it’s all the way in!” referring to my husband and i .. sigh* cringe* one day im going to bring it up because our friendship has not been the same ever since
I say call her out on it. Might prevent her offending others. PS: Sorry you had that said to you! Some people really need a wake up call.
I had someone who I thought was a friend who asked if I was sure we were doing it the right way? Like really I could’ve saved all that money at the fertility dr. We also had lunch the day before she did a huge facebook announcement that she was pg instead of mentioning it to me when I saw her. I had no clue, we had wine together with lunch and I know it’s not all about me, but she knew my struggle and knew I always said I appreciate a heads up. I stopped talking to her after that. If you have the strength I’d definitely say something to her.
I can’t improve on Nita’s response so I’ll just stick to the practicalities. I see this type of junk on my FB feed all the time usually posted by new moms and new grandmothers. I understand they are madly in love with their new baby/grandchild and posting this stuff is not so much an attack on me as it is an expression of their own self involvement. They’re wildly in love with their child and their life has changed forever and they erroneously imagine all people around them share their feelings, that their feelings are universal and they are wrong. I have unfollowed most of the people with small children on FB. I do not need to see yet one more beautiful picture of a child I cannot have. I don’t need to be smugly talked down to about how my life is worthless compared to theirs. So I just unfollow them. And then, because I am a good friend, every couple months I swing by their page, like every identical picture of their child, ignore the baby propaganda and leave. It’s as simple as that really. They are stuck in their own little bubble where their child is the best most precious most perfect creature on earth and nothing and no one is going to tell them otherwise. And nothing you can possibly say is going to penetrate. But you don’t have to be an audience to their ego. You can leave, You can unfollow and if you decide you don’t need their friendship, you can unfriend and block.
I like your strategy. Doing things on your own terms and in your own time. Healthy.
There’s so much that can be said in response to this ridiculous meme and many others like it. First and foremost, if someone needs to grandstand and share a meme to remind herself and convince others that she puts her children’s needs ahead of her own, then she probably doesn’t deserve to have those children in the first place. That being said, life in general tends to make us into evolved human beings who realize it’s NOT all about us. Many of us have known that all along. And just as having a child or children may very well play a part in that evolution, I can say with certainty that NOT having the child you wanted brings on a whole new level of personal growth. Maybe we should make up a new meme 😉
Agree
Me too. Lets make our own memes!
It’s a little like the quote that says if you have to tell someone you are a ____ (woman, leader etc) then you aren’t anymore. I realize they are seeking security and validation and it helps me ignore the jab I feel at my purpose or worth
I like your thought about not giving audience to their ego…
I hate that stupid phrase- “It’s not all about you.” What does that even mean anyway? When someone says that they are implying that the person that they are saying it to is a self-centered ass who thinks of no one but themselves. I’m not that person either. That’s some passive-aggressive BS right there.
The people I know with young children think it IS all about them! They talk endlessly about themselves and their child even when they are talking to a childless person. They don’t keep in touch, they cancel plans at the last minute, they expect that the friendship revolves around them and their needs. They can no longer have a two-sided conversation where they express any interest in the person they’re talking to. How is it that those people hold themselves up on that pedestal of “selflessness” when they have really just become more self-centred than before?
Agree with the ‘WTF?’ response! I guess my response would be influenced by whether she shared the image generally (sucky and thoughtless ->unfollow), or specifically with me in particular (truly nasty -> unfriend).
I’d say to her ‘So, how do you think your post makes me feel’? Unless she is truly nasty, she probably didn’t think it through or consider your feelings.
My follow up comment to her would be: ‘Guess what, honey.. it’s not just about you anymore!’
Oh, the irony! People all wrapped up with babies / grandbabies, bragging about how selfless they now are, and yet oblivious to the pain they are needlessly inflicting on others!
If this was directly to me I think it would warrant a shaming response – “Are you saying it took you having a child to know it was not about you anymore and was suddenly all about your child? During all those years when I was trying to conceive, it was already all about that child. Guess some of us grow out of being selfish sooner than others.”
Depending on who it was, if they were one of those annoying people who is always complaining about needing some “no-kid” time I’d follow up with, “So, who is it about when you ‘need’ to go out drinking with your friends just to get a break?”
I have seen these kinds of things shared before (not specifically directed at me) and sometimes I say under my breath “Pa-lease” because I know they are the people who complain at every turn that they want to do their own thing. But sometimes I know their story and they are trying to make some public passive-aggressive statement to an absent parent. Funny – in the latter instance I sort of agree ….
Or a simple… “yep, known that for a REALLY LONG TIME”.
I’d be tempted to say, “Hmm, that’s funny. From what I’ve observed, once people have kids it continues to be all about you…it’s just ‘you plural’ instead of ‘you singular’ now.”
And how about not “liking” those memes would get you accused of being jealous and insecure?? 🙁
I like all these responses – some of them really sum it up- “how people can no longer hold a conversation”. “How its no longer about you its you plural”! – i love that. In my experience, people most definitely become more selfish when they have children. Its a licence to do what they want behind the facade that they are putting their children first! I like naming and shaming but personally – when I had insensitive comments along these lines I “unfriended” – I wondered for many years if the friendship could have been saved if I had tried to explain how upsetting these posts/comments are but looking back I think its impossible to educate some people. If they can be this dim they are never going to get it. Even the understanding friends I’ve had became baby centric and completely unaware of my losses and sadness. I genuinely felt I always knew that bringing a life into this world meant my own life would go down the order of priority – I really find it jaw dropping that people need to post this sort of thing – truly who are they trying to convince. They are all self centered and they really can go take a running jump – ooh repressed anger bubbling up. I’ve always been suspicious of people who brag about anything in life – I think this proves it. I’ve un-followed several “mums” on FB and my old friends/now grandparents, yep they are off the list too. I rarely go to FB these days if I do its to remind myself that I did the right thing. Full of “look at me” rubbish.
I notice often how women I know with children connect a lot of how they feel, physically and emotionally, especially some of the mid life stuff, to having had children. Much of what is being said is totally familiar to me who has not had a child. They only know their own experience, so assume there’s a connection. I know there isn’t one; it’s just a common experience of those of our age.
I agree with that too…that women who’ve had children do tend to connect every experience in life to being a mom, when in fact, some of it (maybe even most of it) is just part of living life – whether it be working, being married, in a relationship, owning and/or taking care of a home, taking care of aging parents, pets, or whatever . To those egocentric moms, though, it will always go back to them and their children.
Charlotte, this has to be one of the most perceptive comments I’ve read on the “difference” between parents and childless/childfree people. So often it’s a difference only in the perception of people who are parents.
I remember reading a question on a popular advice forum from a new parent who asked why they suddenly were very emotional about sad things they read in the news. A therapist answered and said that it wasn’t specifically because they were a new parent, it was something common to most people who had been through a major, life-altering experience, of which having a baby is only one example.
I was glad to read that because I could relate to what that person was saying but I have no living children. However, I’ve had two late term pregnancy losses, which were definitely life-altering experiences. I think infertility would count as another life altering, traumatic experience. It’s just not one that gets counted for providing people with wisdom, while parenting is acknowledged as such. Probably that’s because being a parent is seen as positive and life affirming, while infertility and/or pregnancy loss are downers that no one wants to acknowledge.
I’ve had some more thoughts on this after a good nights sleep! I read my post from yesterday – which I still believe. I’ve also had the thought that “its all about the children” might actually be part of the problem. When my mum had me – i recall her saying that she was advised that babies/children needed to fit in with the parents way of life and not everything completely revolved around the new baby. What happened to the next generation (my friends) who have made a show piece of their children since birth. Every visit- look what she does/says/walks/talks. No wonder young children now think life really does revolve around them. The young children around me (neighbors, friends etc) they all shout and demand full attention of everyone all the time – drives me up the wall. Its not natural – its not good for the children, they are not the centre of the universe. Basic courtesy and discipline has gone out the window as a result. Young children nowadays shout and scream at the top of their voices from an early age all day – and the whining over nothing – its down to this very fact that their parents think they are marvelous and everyone should dote on them. Does no-one any good.
I totally agree. Parents bring their children into my shop and I am frowned on for stopping the little precious darlings playing with things they shouldn’t be touching and breaking/damaging by touching. I’m laughed at for not liking kids. And that hurts me. When I was young there was an attitude children should be seen and not heard. Now we are afraid to upset the kid and his/her parents by laying down our boundaries.
Thanks Kath – I felt better for getting this out and really good to know you agree. I too remember “children should be seen and not heard” – where did that go. Why do parents (not all I know but just about all!) shy away from telling children off – they need boundaries its how they feel secure. The world is upside down. Just because we want some ground rules doesn’t mean we don’t like children – if the parents were doing their job we wouldn’t have to say anything. Its wrong – I was always being told to be careful in shops and mind this/that, keep the noise down. Its respectful -ahh that’s why all the respect is lost……… We mustn’t stop putting out our boundaries (you’re the shop owner, its your right). I made a complaint at our local gym because the children in the bar were shouting and running around (ruining our relaxing coffee and football match). The hotel manager said “we can’t do anything”. I said well put some rules in place – children should not be in the bar. We haven’t been back for coffee but the “rules” were reissued to gym members and children are only allowed in the bar area if sat at a table next to their parent!
I agree with this too. Too many people raise their children with no respect for boundaries. I was raised with limits and rules, and, yes, my parents loved me. Imagine that! I believe that parents should put their child’s needs first. Notice how I said “needs” and not “wants”. Too many confuse those two words.
So true – this is where its going wrong “needs” not wants! And this is why it is so unbelievably difficult to fit into our community without children (double whammy). Big sigh