By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
A while back, I received an e-mail from an LWBer I’ll call “Kim” who was struggling to find her place in our community. She hadn’t been through infertility, nor had she made a conscious choice to not be a parent. Instead, she’d held out for Mr. Right and married a man she loved—who didn’t want children. It wasn’t exactly my story, but I could relate to much of it. I shared my response with Lisa, and she asked me to consider sharing it with other LWB readers.
If you see yourself in here, I hope you’ll find some encouragement, some support. I hope you’ll feel—maybe for the first time—that you are not alone.
Dear Kim,
I am so sorry to hear of your losses and sorrows. I get it! Our paths are similar.
First, congratulations on your recent marriage! I, too, held out for love, which meant I got married in my 40s. My husband was worth the wait.
Second, a bit of my own story: I went through a long process (mid-30s to early 40s) of exploring whether or not I could/wanted to have a child on my own, and ultimately decided it wasn’t something I could do. It still irks me when people accuse me of making the “choice” to be childfree, when I feel in my heart that this destiny was forced on me in so many ways. Like you, I wanted to be a mom and I would have been a great mom. So not fair!
By the time I met my husband-to-be, I was starting to come to terms with the facts that my age and health were not in my favor for bearing and raising children. Sure, I could have tried every medical miracle, but with what results? I couldn’t do it. When I knew we were at a defining point in our relationship, I sat my then-boyfriend down, ready to set him free if he wanted children, because I knew I couldn’t offer him any guarantees. It came as somewhat of a relief, then, when he told me he never wanted kids.
However…that doesn’t mean we don’t have moments of “What if…?”
You asked how other women in your—in our—shoes are “living with it.” I’m sitting here at my desk trying to think of the best answers to give you, the real answers. It’s not easy, Kim. There are days when I love my life just as it is, when I celebrate that one of the reasons my husband and I have such an amazing relationship is because we are not having to divide our energies and attentions to take care of children. We spend our weekends together, even if it’s just running errands or watching Law and Order reruns on TV. We aren’t driving in different directions to attend soccer and Little League games. We are the last couple on the dance floor at wedding receptions because our friends who are parents have gone home to relieve babysitters or because they’re exhausted from all their obligations. These are blessed days indeed.
And then…and then…Halloween comes around and I want to stay in bed and cry about all the joyful events I’ve missed and will miss. I have to talk myself into decorating for the Christmas holidays because there are no little ones to revel in the magic, no one with whom I can share precious traditions. I lied to a friend a few weeks ago, a friend I love, because I couldn’t bear to go to her baby shower. I will love her child, we will be part of her child’s life, but I just couldn’t sit in a room full of women who got what I so desperately wanted.
In between, I lean heavily upon the wisdom and experience of our sisters on LWB. Sometimes I can offer the words of encouragement and support; other times it’s me who needs to be picked up off the floor. I encourage you to spend some time familiarizing yourself with the resources on the site. Yes, many of the women are here because of infertility, but we can still learn from each other how to move through this and forward into new life paths.
Melanie Notkin of Savvy Auntie has coined the phrase “circumstantially infertile.” I personally hate the term, but it makes sense to me. She is childfree for the same reasons we are (and I believe she’s still single) and has turned her experience into being an auntie advocate. I encourage you to check out her site. From my own experience, I will add that being “the fun aunt” has its advantages.
I also have learned a lot from Jody Day’s book, Living the Life Unexpected (also available on Amazon). She has a site called Gateway Women. I know Jody (also circumstantially infertile) has groups around the world, so you might check if there’s one near you. If not, maybe you’re the woman to start one? There are also several forums online on the LWB site. Find a topic that speaks to you and jump in.
Finally, I want to remind you that healing takes time. Please be gentle with yourself, Kim.
With my best wishes,
Kathleen
Kathleen would love to hear and possibly share your story. You can reach her at [email protected], or visit the Our Stories page to download the questionnaire for the Our Stories column.
Thanks for posting this, Kathleen. I consider myself childless by marriage. A term I discovered through Sue Fagalde Lick’s book and blog both by that name. I met my husband when I was 19 and I didn’t want kids until I reached my thirties. He never wanted kids. I could have left but his love and support and wonderful family were some of the strongest reasons that I changed my mind and wanted kids. After years of talking with my husband, crying, and grief I found myself with a story that felt like it didn’t fit into a standard mold of childlessness. Which is ironic since a big part of our shared grief is that we don’t fit a standard mold that we wanted to. What I’ve learned through a few years of meeting people on blogs and reading other women’s stories is that there is no mold, no one way or right way to walk this path, that we all belong, and that no one gets to invalidate our grief because it is very real no matter how we got here.
In my case my husband didn’t want to have kids. Although after being divorced from me, he sent me an email stating he had a son with his new wife.
To my surprise, he sent me a huge picture of his baby boy. Yeap, I always wanted to have a boy and a girl….
I was really, truly in shock. Speechless.
Forgiveness comes into my mind…
Analia, what was he thinking?!
Is he cruel or just plain stupid?
I’m so sorry for you to have that experience! I would not think the word forgiveness if that happened to me, I would think murder.
Seriously I would, I would be so full of hate.
I am so shocked by his insensitivity, I find that so hurtfull. Sorry you had to see that Analia
Wow, Analia. I can’t even imagine how I would respond. I think forgiveness would take me a very long time to find. I’m glad you are able to find it. I’m sorry you had to experience this.
Lin, Kath, Lacie;
We forgive for ourselves so we don’t carry that heavy weight all of our lives. The lighter the better !
It was really, really hard to forgive him but I did it.
I keep on praying for all of us.
Analia,
What happened to you, actually happens quite a lot.
I feel I can relate. I was not married, but I used to live with my boyfriend. Things went very bad from the moment I asked that we form a familly. I thought we were ready for that, and also, when we paired together, he had the wish to have children.
I suffered with him, until I give up and split with him.
The year after the break up, he became the father of a beautiful little girl.
It was 9/10 years ago.
He is now the father of 2. And I am the mother of none. I am 41 and single.
Life is unfair. That’s all.
‘Sometimes I can offer the words of encouragement and support; other times it’s me who needs to be picked up off the floor.’ This. Yes.
Here’s another women childless by first no partner and then unwilling partner.
When we met I was 39 and I had also been thinking of, and decided not to, trying on my own.
He had two teenagers and did not want more children.
I have never been pregnant or even been trying to become pregnant because I never had anyone to try with.
It stinks. The emptiness is enormous.
I try to fill it with other things and push the self blame and what ifs and longing out of there.
I’m the same as you Lin.
Why I didn’t leave my 1st marriage sooner; is one of my biggest regrets.
I’m now 39 in a supportive, fantastic relationship – my partner has 2 kids aged 11 & 8. He does not want more.
I also have never experienced trying to get pregnant. And never will.
I’m doing my best to focus on living everyday doing the activities I like. And enjoying my new partner and his kids (who are accepting of me).
But it is sometimes difficult they are not mine and never will. Sometimes I participate and sometimes I don’t.
My “choice” was the calling to be an artist and living in a world where art is undervalued to the point of poverty… my “choice” was a bad heart and heart surgery… My “choice” was to be hit by a car… My “choice” was fear… My “choice” was poor health and early menopause…
The REASONS I have no children are poverty, poor health and damage. My family thinks I had “choices”. I avoid talking to them about it (an actual choice I DO make is to never ever bring it up…)
Melanie Notkin actually wrote a wonderful book, called “Otherhood” – it helped me through a rough time when I learned that my sister in law was pregnant. I always wanted to be a mother but never met the right guy and didn’t want to raise a child by myself (and now at 45 I’m feeling too old for any option) so I would consider myself as “childfree by circumstance”, although I don’t like labelling in any way. The book made me realize I’m not alone. Praise for Melanie Notkin!