By Lisa Manterfield
Mr. Fab and I don’t talk much anymore about our infertility journey. He’d as soon forget the whole ordeal and I prefer to look forward rather than dwelling on what might have been. But recently it came up in conversation.
“If I had to do it all again, I would,” he told me.
My first thought was “No way!” I wouldn’t wish that experience on my worst enemy and I don’t think I could bear to see Mr. Fab go through it again. But when I thought about it some more, I see there are positives that came out of it.
We are tougher than we were before, both individually and as a couple. We now know we can weather a major storm, and we’ll be okay when the next one comes along (and they always come along). I’m more compassionate toward others who might be in pain, now that I know what it’s like to be smiling in public and dying on the inside. I learned a lot about myself and how I handle crisis, and we’ve learned about one another. We’ve uncovered the people we really are.
So if I had to do it all again, I would. Would you?
For World Childless Week, I wrote a letter to my infertility. I told her that I don’t hate her anymore and that I am who I am because of my infertility.
So, while I wouldn’t want to do it over again, I have seen some very positive things come from my infertility struggle. Because of this, I suppose I wouldn’t change it.
God took me down this path for a reason.
The first answer that comes to mind is no. But then I think how our struggle and losses made us a stronger couple. I also feel bad saying no because we lost 4 babies in our 14 year infertility struggle and I feel like I’m forgetting them by saying I wouldn’t do it all again. Because without that struggle I wouldn’t have my later loss of our twins and the short time spent with them meant so much.
I’m so sorry for your struggle and for your loss. I do not believe that saying you wouldn’t want to go through all that pain again means you are forgetting your precious little ones, though. You sound like a very strong & loving lady indeed.
I would it all over again. But only because I’d want to change so many things. I’d demand counseling. I’d be more assertive in my health questions and advocate for myself. I’d rely on the science and not on a faith system. I’d have a plan for when it didn’t work out. You are lucky that you are stronger as a couple. In the end our infertility (male factor due to early vasectomy) is not the only thing that eventually drove us apart- but it was a major one.
Yes, I’d do it all over again, and for many reasons. For one, though for too short a time, I wouldn’t have experienced having my premie, even though he passed a few days later, or any of the previous losses. There have been many positives, from growing stronger, as a woman and wife to being more understanding towards others in their own struggles (even if not infertility). I feel I listen more and say less (which many times is what I would’ve wanted from my family/friends).
And as for my my husband and I, we definitely have grown stronger and gotten to know much more of each other, our strengths as well as our weaknesses.
Yes, I most certainly would, for without it, I wouldn’t be here today, as I am.
This post reminds me of a favorite quote of mine. “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you loose something else” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. I think this kind of explains why you (and me too) would feel this way.
Not unless I knew it would turn out differently. My husband says he has piece of mind that we tried our best – I don’t have that piece of mind because I know there was much more we could have done and that I absolutely would have done if only he would have agreed (we did not try our best and we did not exhaust our options). I, however, gained nothing (but weight) from this experience, not even piece of mind. I’ve found no silver lining, despite searching. Maybe one day we’ll get to a place where I feel like we’re stronger as a couple but we aren’t – we are broken and destroyed and some days I think maybe we’re together because we know no one else would take on someone so broken and destroyed. I do hope that changes because I really would rather be childless with the love of my life than childless and single. There have been other struggles in my life that I came through and really could see how I had developed character, grown a new appreciation, had a better outcome than what I intended, etc. but this is not one of them.
I didn’t think of it that way .. but that’s a good point .. just last night i was talking to my husband saying i would never want to remarry if he (God forbid) passed away for the simple fact I wouldn’t want to go through this whole infertility mess .. just want to let it be and move on from infertility .. it was a long and silently painful journey .. still going through it ..
but it has made us as a couple stronger, more patient, more empathetic to others struggles, more reflective.