This week’s topic is another tender subject:
The constant struggle of feeling “less than” and that your life is imperfect because of not having children.
How do you feel about this? Has that feeling changed with the passing of time?
As always, the floor is open for any other whines and rants you need to get off your chest.
I believe in taking naps on weekends. So, I really don’t like when other women tell me: see, if you have kids, you will not be able take a nap !
I’m struggling right now with family who expects that we travel to them for the holidays because we don’t have kids. Ugh.
Even though I know that life isn’t fair and that I’m better off than most people in this world, actually, and wouldn’t dream of judging someone as being “less than” for having bad luck – I judge myself hard.
I never had the kind of relationship that you decide to try for a baby in.
I always felt that it was good that I didn’t have a child, because if no man voluntarily chose to be with me, then it wouldn’t be fair to force a child to depend on me for many years.
I feel less that all the time. I see women who maybe aren’t the smartest or kindest or best parents or whatever and I know that someone wanted to have a child with them, and no-one wanted that with me, so that means I’m worse.
I think of what they have experienced that I will never experience and feel even more less than.
I’m a Darwinian failure. The fit survivor isn’t me…
I hear you – sometimes I feel like less than other women because I don’t have kids. It was a situation of happenstance for me, some not ideal relationships, the death of a boyfriend, my past of childhood abuse, my struggles with anxiety and depression…by the time I had felt “well” enough, and by the time I had met the right man, time had passed me by.
My life has been anything but easy, and sometimes I feel cheated. I think -“why me?” Why couldn’t I have a nice childhood, a nice mother, a nice family?
Life isn’t fair – but we go on. I think the hardest thing, for me anyway, is keeping it inside. No one knows what I’ve been through- to look at me I seem like everything is normal and I grew up like everyone else in a normal house with normal parents and life was pretty easy. I don’t talk about the raging of my mother- the beat-downs, the put-downs and the hell I lived through for 18 years. I don’t talk about my time in the institution or the years of therapy I went through to get where I am.
All people see is nice me. Childless me. They probably think it’s by choice- not that I lost an ovary at 18 and conceiving would have been difficult anyway – even if I had really tried when I was younger – even if I had felt, “ready.”
We all have our stories. As women without children who do we pass those stories on to? Where is our legacy? Why don’t we get to have one? Are we not deserving, too?
Dear Malin, you sound very harsh on yourself! I have been there too and in this process we need to be very kind to ourselves! None of this is your fault!!! There are so many fantastic women that are childless – many as they were responsible not wanting to bring a child into relations with partners. Are you Swedish? There is a new association in Sweden called ofrivilligt barnlös – andra sidan tröskeln (can be found on Facebook) where childless women in Sweden meet,talk and support each other! Many are single!
I am feeling defeated today. I just finished reading “I’m taking my eggs and going somewhere else” and felt empowered. Started reading “Life without baby” and had to put it down. Looking into other’s social media and seeing their happy faces, big bellies and cute children is really beating me down today. Today I do not only feel imperfect but incomplete and useless.
So sorry you are dealing with this. What I found helpful in my younger years is so change my focus. I would write down five blessings in my life. Are you married? have a good marriage? have parents living, friends etc
I would look at what I had, not what I did not have.
I know it is hard but you are not imperfect and you are not incomplete or useless.
There are worse things than not having a baby.
Do something worthwhie…a hobby, or a trip even if just to the local store. You are important.
I would live by the saying “dont be sad for what you dont have, but happy for what you do have”
when we change our focus life becomes better
Yes the feeling has changed with the passing of time…
I am in my 60s, retired and everyone my age that has children has to deal with the empty nest thing, the children have moved off and are not close to them, some have caused them problems…then there is the inlaws and other issues
I find I am more respected and we dont judge each other or compete like we did when we were younger because we find loved ones passing, we all realize time is short and we are all in this life together.
I am not less than…I am a more than and I am an important part of this world.
How incredibly reassuring to read this. Thank you Nita – beautifully put!!!