Through the years of being part of our Life Without Baby community, I really thought I’d heard every possible horror story. But recently a friend told me about her nightmare experience at a baby shower, and I am aghast. At that gathering, the hostess introduced a new game: A bag is passed around the room, and each guest pulls out a pregnancy test. (I could not make this up.) When everyone has one, they all look, and the woman holding a positive test announces to the room “I’M PREGNANT!” and wins a prize.
Apparently it’s the hot new trend at baby showers.
It got even worse for my friend. When the bag came to her, she tried to let it pass, but the woman sitting next to her insisted she play. “I’ve taken plenty of pregnancy tests, and they’ve all been negative,” my friend said quietly. “I don’t need to go through this again.” At which point her neighbor took this as an invitation to loudly out my friend as a childless woman and offer advice: “You should try IVF! A friend of a friend had a miracle baby in her late 40s! You could always adopt!”
My friend, who is a much stronger person than I am, managed to laugh it off. Weeks after hearing her tale, my blood is still boiling. I put myself in her shoes and wondered how I would have reacted in that situation. Part of me hopes I would have turned to the intrusive and insensitive stranger and said something like, “F— you and the horse you rode in on,” which would have been inappropriate and rude, but might have made me feel better in the moment.
But the reality is I probably would have just sat there and taken the abuse, while shutting a part of myself down in an attempt to get through the party without dissolving into a sobbing puddle and amplifying an already grotesque public humiliation. Sigh.
Next time—because there will be ladies luncheons, holiday parties, family get-togethers, and other events that will turn sour—what I really hope I will do is stand up and walk out. Period.
And it got me thinking that I could give myself permission to save myself. (This goes for you, too.) I don’t owe anyone any excuses. I don’t even need to say, “Excuse me” as I get up. I suppose I could say, “Where’s the restroom?” to make a graceful exit, but as soon as I am out of range, I could head straight out the door and to my car (and have my meltdown in private).
Would this cause a scene? Perhaps. Would it cause people to talk? Possibly, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe my walking out and calling attention to how horribly hurtful something is would get people to think and have some compassion. And at the very least, I might hang on to a shred of my dignity, and that’s worth a lot.
I hope you’ll keep this in mind the next time you’re caught off guard by someone else’s poor choices. I hope you’ll remember that I have given you permission to take care of and stand up for yourself.
We don’t have to take abuse from anyone.
I will remember the permission. I can so see a certain family member humiliating me this way. I wish I could hug your friend. What a nightmare.
We don’t have to take abuse from anyone…
I am clapping!!!
Ugh… what sort of person even thinks these ‘games’ up?
Kudos to your friend for even attending the baby shower in the first place as well as speaking her truth with dignity. The loud mouthed person needs to fold her opinion up and insert it where the sun doesn’t shine!
I vote for the “F*** you and the horse you rode in on” comment. Then I’d ask if she even knew how often IVF works? Does she know what condition the woman’s eggs are in? No? Than shut the hell up. I’d ask if she had researched adoption and did she know which country currently offered healthy children to couples looking to adopt. How long was the average waiting period in the US for a healthy child? Was it a guarantee? What percentage of the time was the child taken away in that 1st year and placed back with the biological mother? Oh, she didn’t know? Than shut the hell up. I would probably give her some advice about where she could stick her worthless and hurtful ‘advice’.
And then I would leave.
I’m not upset by this dumb woman. Nooooooo, not at all.
OMG! To stand up and walk away… for good…. is the only possible solution.
Exactly – we don’t have to take abuse from anyone.
I had my share of the abuse in the past as an infertile woman. And I am done with it!
People can be ignorant. They’re trying to be helpful when they offer this advice (as inappropriate it may be). It may not help, but sometimes it’s good to remember that not everyone knows what you’ve gone through or are going through, and it’d be impossible for them to guess. Think of all the times we may have been ignorant of other people’s pain re: who knows what? An illness, death, some other form of suffering?
Of course we all have a right to our feelings, and I don’t think we should ever withstand abuse – but I’m not sure I’d classify what your friend withstood as abuse because i doubt the woman who shouted “you should try IVF!!!” was even thinking straight…or thinking at all. Most who attend baby showers are only thinking of the promise of new life, not the possibility of none.
Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there because I’m pretty sure if these women had any concept of what your friend has suffered, they’d be grieving with her as well.
What if you’d get the positive one and have to declare “I’m pregnant” to follow the rules of the game??!!
What horror!
And what a stupid game! Embarrassing!
I’d be embarrassed by the stupidity of it even if I’d had children.
Fantastic post, Kathleen. It got ME thinking actually…….
First off, the behavior of the woman sitting next to your friend was 150% downright unacceptable. Your friend gave her an opportunity to be sensitive and compassionate and she blew it.
Reading this helped me to recognize that I’ve been somewhat prone to staying in situations – hanging in there and doing my best to educate – where the more self compassionate and powerful thing to do may be to leave if the response to my sharing is sub – standard. I feel more motivated now to not let my pride get the better of me (I think sticking it out is a pride thing) and to feel free to exit. And not just in situations necessarily relating to infertility and childlessness either – I’m also generally done engaging with people who go on any kind of mindless, judging and analytical rampage with me instead of listening and connecting. I’ve been through too much, lost too much, and life is too short.
OMG, seriously??!! I can’t even…
Superb post Kathleen – permission accepted. I will definitely walk out the door next time the insensitivity is too much. With no guilt or looking back…….