This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic is that old chestnut:
The baby shower!
A reader wrote:
I would like to know how others handle baby showers. I have vowed to not go to any more baby showers after leaving the last one in tears and disappointed in myself because I felt so strong before I went. Do others have emotional issues about other people’s baby showers or am I alone?
After assuring her that she definitely was not alone in feeling this way, I thought I’d turn the topic over to you. And I’m adding to it the newest horror, the gender reveal party.
Please whine, rant, empathize, and even advise on this most delicate of topics.
Baby showers are pure torture. I have left numerous baby showers for friends and family in tears. Even those that love us can sometimes make insensitive comments, not realizing that they have, making the already stressful event a nightmare.
I made a couple of decisions about two years ago that have been helpful for me. I don’t attend any baby showers or gender reveals (which, on another topic, is a strange party idea) or children’s birthday parties. I do often send gifts or find another time to visit if it’s a child I’m close to. And I don’t babysit or hold small babies/children.
For awhile, I was unsure if I would be labeled as rude. It has made a big difference for me in not going down a rabbit hole of feeling sad though. And I don’t have a problem saying “No” when asked about any of these things anymore.
I never attend baby showers. Haven’t gone to one in over twenty years now. I might, perhaps, send a gift, especially if I know the child was the result of a long, difficult struggle with infertility, but usually I don’t. So far no one’s asked me why I haven’t accepted any invitations.
This is an issue I have been dealing with a lot. Our culture celebrates the newborn and considers pregnancy sacred. Why? This fetus hasn’t contributed a thing to the planet yet and all the woman has done was have a correctly functioning body (usually). Maybe some day I can go to a baby shower and not feel anger and resentment (I agree, gender reveal is an odd concept). But not any time soon. For now I get upset about it and rant on here.
I, too, stopped going to baby showers. I didn’t feel guilty about it and I didn’t explain my “I am unable to attend’ either. Because I knew this was best for my mental health to NOT participate. I always sent a gift and figured I’ve done my part. If anyone in the family was disappointed that I didn’t attend – I never heard about it. As for these ‘gender reveal’ parties – thank goodness that sort of nonsense hadn’t started when my family members and friends were having children.
The world tends to run wild with what I call becoming “baby-gaga” and they fall all over themselves to blow tons of money on a child in utero before they are even in this world. The costs and machinations the parents and family and friends will go to frustrate me to no end. It is so unreasonable the pressure being put on everyone to worship and adore an infant or the mother. It can grow to be way too much. And the gender reveal…OMG don’t get me started. I have known some remarkable and love filled mothers to be and wish I could have been more a party to things, and then others it has been paraded in front of me or shoved down my throat. There is no happy medium when it comes to babies.
Fortunately, I haven’t been invited to any in the last few years. But when I was receiving numerous invitations, I decided that I would be very selective with whose baby shower I would go to. Only people that are very close to me. And even with close friends or family, only first baby showers. After attending a shower, I would do two things: plan for extra time after the shower to have a good cry and not beat myself up for it. And treat myself.
I used to go to all my friend’s baby showers when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s. I was excited for them and couldn’t wait to be a mom and have my shower someday. Gender reveal parties had not started yet. It wasn’t until I started trying to have a baby (and unable to conceive) in my mid 30’s, that the baby announcements/showers started to effect me. The last shower I attended was for my cousin’s baby, who is now 3. A group of friends there were all pregnant at the same time and talking due dates. I think I was one of the only ladies that did not have children. I have never felt so alone in my life. I was happy for my cousin, just sad that I will never experience being a Mom. Now I just send a gift if I get an invitation. It’s too painful to go to showers anymore.
There are way too many pregnant loved ones for me to not attend their baby showers. Besides they know my situation and will assume I can’t handle the baby shower – I don’t want their sympathy, just their sensitivity. So, I suck it up and attend; my strategy is that I cut my visit short and plan something for myself afterward, maybe a pedicure or dinner with a friend who gets it, or whatever I can afford that day. If I have to, I go to the bathroom for privacy and sort myself out. It really helps me to know that when I leave, I get to do something just for me. The gender reveal thing is strange. I can just imagine my grandmothers laughing and shaking their heads. Also there is a trend for odd celebrations like “baby – que” which is a take off on ‘baby bbq’ – this too is bizarre to me. (Go to pinterest and type in baby-q) I wish people could see this sort of gathering for what it is. It’s not an opportunity to celebrate the life of a precious new baby entering the world. It’s a chance for the friends and the dad to have everyone over, cook out and drink it up. Only after all the adults’ need are met, does the baby even enter the picture. I know this comes across as an old fuddy duddy but the reality is that somehow baby showers became less about celebrating and blessing/gifting the baby and more about how to make life easier for the parents combined with throwing a party into the mix. It’s just odd to me and I feel the motives need to be examined when planning one. I know someone who no one would throw her a baby shower and she had to throw her own. So she roped her husband into the job of hosting her baby shower. Just an odd deal. When will people get a grip. In her case, she already had a baby so she had the majority of what she needed. I just find people’s motives so far from center, so far from where I think my own would be….more about honoring my baby and less about me.
I always know when a shower is coming, yet when the actual invitation shows up in the mail box I still react like it’s a pit viper! I suck in a big breath, tear it to shreds and throw it in the dumpster IMMEDIATELY! I don’t want that thing in my house! Then I politely decline.
I don’t always send a gift. The baby aisle is painful and besides it’s not like the expectant mothers are ever going to have a reason to buy me something special!
As far as a reveal party I think I’m too old for that. I find the concept narcissistic and stupid. Just another way to say “Hey look at me! I’m fertile!” Personally, if I could have kids I’d want to be surprised.