I was always a pretty confident person, even as a child. I could be quite shy, and still am at times, but I was never fearful. I firmly believed that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to and I wasn’t afraid to try anything. I backpacked around South America, jumped out of airplanes, and tried all kinds of strange foods. If anyone told me it couldn’t be done, I took it as a cue to prove her wrong.
But infertility changed that.
Suddenly, I was more timid about getting out there and going for what I wanted. I became a nervous flyer, popping Rescue Remedy and gripping the seat arms on flights. I even caught myself assessing flight times and potential for disaster when considering a trip. I couldn’t seem to make a decision without asking for opinions from everyone and then second-guessing myself.
After a friend commented on the change, I took a long hard look at what had happened to me, and the thing that popped to the forefront of my mind is infertility.
I hate to pin everything that’s wrong in my life on infertility, but in this case, I think I was right. Infertility taught me that I can’t always get what I want just by trying hard. It taught me that bad things do happen to good people, and they could even happen to me. And it taught me that I am not invincible, and that created a giant fissure in my confidence.
It was very disturbing to realize what had happened, because that wasn’t who I was. I wasn’t a timid mouse. I didn’t want to be afraid of life, but that was who I had become. Maybe you’ve seen similar changes in yourself.
So, how to undo the damage?
Self-awareness was the first step. Once I recognized the change, I made sure to check in with myself whenever I felt my courage waver. It was very helpful to step away from myself and look at what I was really afraid of, instead of just pulling the blankets over my head and giving into it.
I also began looking for the old Lisa in some of the places she used to be most confident. I took up orienteering again, which used to be a sport I was pretty good at. Even though I wasn’t as in shape as I’d once been, the old skills were still there and reawakening them helped my confidence grow again. I tried to recognize fear and treat it accordingly.
Finally I looked for ways to gently push myself out of my comfort zone (and drag poor Mr. Fab out of his, too.) We learned to sail, something we’d never done together before. It was just a small step, but it was definitely an area in which neither of us was an expert, and so we built our confidence together.
Infertility taught me that I am not invincible, but slowly, I found my confidence again. No matter what happened in my past, I don’t want to spend my future afraid of what might, or might not, happen.
Livy says
About six years ago when we started trying I traded in my awesome, fun, exciting life as a cook in a go-nowhere place for a more traditional job with benefits, opportunities and all that crap you need when you have a family.
I started living a “clean” life trading in alcohol and caffeine for water and tea. Late nights with pitchers of beer at the bowling alley became exercising, eating right and going to bed on time…you all know the drill.
Life got Boring!
A few weeks ago I had a panic attack. Then it hit me. I said F this $hit! I’ve become too serious and uptight! I found out one of my favorite raunchy 90’s hard rock bands was in town. We went to see them (on a work night)! I got trashed on a few drinks (my “clean life” left me with a low tolerance for alcohol) and ultimately had a blast.
Life isn’t sitting at a computer googling leads looking for answers you’ll never find. Life is happening now and it’s time to live again!
Amy says
How to combat those thoughts and feelings of un-worthiness? Still trying and learning…living life I know is the best idea, but as I am seeing that I am not alone in my fears, it’s tuff to get out there and stay positive. My confidence has been hit so hard, my self worth is the lowest ever and it shouldn’t be….I should be enough.
Ladies, how and are any of y’all close? Not finding support near me in Texas
Livy says
Sorry. I wish I was but I’m alone in CT.
Is there a way on here to privately share emails?