This week’s Whiny Wednesday topic comes from a reader and is ripe for a rant and perhaps some ideas.
She writes:
“I still haven’t figured out how to make friends with people my own age (40s) who have children. I often feel disposable, or okay to invite to things when it suits them. I’m a thoughtful, caring person who deserves better.”
What do you think about this? It’s Whiny Wednesday, so let it all out.
I feel I don’t really have friends. They are more of acquaintances.
Me too….
my comment is: just don’t try to make friends with epople who are in baby-making age. They will invariably have kids at some point and be lost for you. Also don’t make friends with people who are close to their grown-up children because they will have grandchildren and the same thing happens. Also donumake friends with childless couples because they tend to be focused on each other and not really need a ‚third wheel‘ on their wagon. Unless you are in a relationship with a partner who so happens to want to be friends with the other couple, too.Also, making friends with single childless people can become a problem because they tend to burn bridges and move onto crazy adventures, leaving you behind.Do Insound bitter? Yes I do.
You have every right to feel bitter as its all so bloody unfair isn’t it?
thank you for understanding ❤️❤️
That’s OK we all have things in our lives that we wish were different and it’s normal to feel bitter as you only wanted the same things but sadly lost out and for no good reason except that life is unfair and most of it is out of our control.
The best people to make friends with are those who’s kids have grown up as its not shoved in your face at every turn what you have lost out on.
Totally agree. Bonus points when their kids are crazy!
I just accept that I will never have good, close friends. I have my fiance’s coworkers and their wives. I smile and nod through the discussion of their children and do what I can to be supportive. I have my siblings and I have my mother and I have my fiance. I can live with that.
There is no good answer for this. 25plus years into it and I still struggle. I’ve just lowered my expectations and rolled with it, but it’s far from ideal.
At my age my friends and acquaintances with kids are having grandkids……and grandkids trump everything. If you fee disposable now, just wait till women your age have grandkids. They are on a pedestal even higher than kids.
I wish I had better news but the reality is it sucks. It helped me joining communities such as this one and GW and a few Facebook groups. I’ve even met ladies in person in my boat from online. We’re not “close friends” but it helps. I feel far less alone and less a freak for having infertility than I did even 10 years ago. All because of online communities. Again, no, not ideal but I’ll take it.
Thanks Mary for the heads up on “friends having grandchildren” – I believed I was prepared but think it will sideswipe me when it happens. I am enjoying a brief period of old friends socializing together again ( as they have teenagers/university age children) – being friend dumped is just around the corner though the minute grandchildren arrive. I’m reminded to enjoy it while it is here but to nurture me and other half.
I find that I am always welcome in the baby makers circle when there is gift giving or money collecting of some kind say for families with new babies because clearly even though both parents are home all day on leave, I should be the one to provide meals or restaurant gift card after my 10 to 12 hour day made longer by picking up the slack for their absence. However when the pleasure of my company is all that’s required, I seem to be forgotten. They seem to see me as a person with disposable income that I should feel obligated to make available to them. I’m also the first person they turn to when they need a donation of sick days from my bank, having used all of theirs on maternity leaves and sick children. Apparent
U my declining to provide any of the demanded assistance or booty is extremely rude on my part.Of course when my husband had emergency surgery and was hospitalized for several days, i as a childless person did not need assistance or care. It’s very hard to bond under such circumstances. I may be a little overly sensitive, but really! That’s why I love my dog!
Jana, you are spot on. I know a mom who threw her own baby shower when no one else would. (Gift grab). But the vast majority seemingly invite every person they ever met to their baby showers and baby’s birthday parties (gift grab). But God forbid they remember my husband or myself on our birthdays. Also, I’m very sorry to hear of your husband’s emergency. I hope that he’s healing up ok.
There is no good answer for this. 25plus years into it and I still struggle. I’ve just lowered my expectations and rolled with it, but it’s far from ideal.
At my age my friends and acquaintances with kids are having grandkids……and grandkids trump everything. If you fee disposable now, just wait till women your age have grandkids. They are on a pedestal even higher than kids.
I wish I had better news but the reality is it sucks. It helped me joining communities such as this one and GW and a few Facebook groups. I’ve even met ladies in person in my boat from online. We’re not close but it helps. I feel far less alone and less a freak for having infertility than I did even 10 years ago. All because of online communities. Again, no, not ideal but I’ll take it.
It’s just so bloody unfair and there’s not a thing you can do about it is there?
I think this is the absolute hardest part of not having kids and the aspect I struggle with the most. My college roommate and I are still quite close-but she lives on the other side of the country (and does have a child), but we can text everyday and chat every few days. I’m so glad of technology! But in my little, rural town I am an anomaly. And the few women within a decade of my age (I’m 35) who I attempt to be friends with seem to be bothered? concerned? scared? of a young woman who cannot have children. Like…once they know that about me they are afraid they’ll catch it? Or maybe they think they’d never survive that sort of journey…and they back off because they have lost all ability to relate or speak to a person when the topic isn’t swapping stories about their kids? The good news for me is that I have a great partner and I’m introverted-so my dog really is woman’s best friend. I’m pretty settled (mostly) on the rest of this journey…just wish I could get this “friend” thing worked out.
I feel the same way the longer I am in this childless journey they less friends I seem to have. I married young and bought a house so I didn’t party with the rest of my high school friends. Then work friends all started having babies and slowly but surely all the friends that had infertility had babies and I am only valuable when it comes to giving gifts. No one seems to care how many times I’ve been hospitalized or surgeries I had to have. Now I just don’t bother anymore. My husband works a lot so I spend my weekends either home alone or hang out with my retired parents. It just sucks I don’t really reach out in these groups because I’m afraid of people from work finding out about my struggle. The egg retrieval portion of IVF almost killed me and we ended up with one embryo but the doctor says we have less than 5% chance of being successful. I’m just done and want to start figuring life without baby.
So sorry to hear this Amie – the news around your embryo is incredibly tough to take and sounds recent and raw. Please be kind to yourself and don’t add to your pressures. We work through grief and loss in different ways – I went around 15 years with no real girlfriends – I used to give myself a hard time. Now I know it was all I could do – when you are ready you will make connections. Thinking of you on this tough journey
Stop with the pity party. It does suck but there are so many women like us out there even though we feel alone. Join groups, go out, and keep trying to make friends until you find some like minded people. Took me 8 years but I have a nice group of friends who mainly are single and don’t have kids. We all need to make time for each other. The key is to keep trying to meet new people. There have been times when I got fed up and just spent time with myself being my best friend and taking myself on dates. But then I made time to invite friends over, to go to places to meet people.
It’s interesting you choose those words, “pity party.” I mean, especially on a Whiny Wednesday post-a place designed to allow others to express frustrations of living without children without judgement. I wonder what brought up that sentiment for you. It’s good to know there are people out there moving past the difficulties and finding a community though.
Stand down. We are all in a different place on our journey.
That’s OK we all have things in our lives that we wish were different and it’s normal to feel bitter as you only wanted the same things but sadly lost out and for no good reason except that life is unfair and most of it is out of our control.
You must be joking. This is a “Whiny Wednesday” post and is the exact spot where we are supposed to be able to come and get things off our chest. If you are so perfect and have moved on so well, then what are you even doing on this site?
Do you like feeling superior by putting others down? Get over yourself. I would rather have no friends at all than be friends with someone like you.
Well said. It’s a shame that some people’s only enjoyment of life is never being happy unless they are making someone else miserable and they should be pitied as they must be very unhappy to only have that as a source of enjoyment! Joanne
“Misery Loves Company” May I why you are on this website? Since you seem to have it all figured out and free of “pity”. This is a designated space for us to “whine” and vent if we need to. How bout helping others grow rather than condem …