Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Thank Goodness I Don’t Have Kids

Right now, my life feels like a hot mess (this is the reason I wrote this post for Tuesday and then forgot to hit the button to actually post it, so am posting it today instead!) It’s nothing serious, thank goodness, but everything around me is in chaos. Work is crazy busy, with fires flaring up faster than I can put them out, and new projects starting while deadlines for other keep getting pushed. My school stint has started up again, my house looks as if a tornado swept through, my garden is in its death throes due to lack of care, my husband, when he’s not traveling,  is feeling neglected, and my mum is here for her annual 6-week visit. Oh and my cat won’t come out from under the bed as long as my husband is in the room. Like I say, nothing serious, but I’m finding myself waking up in the night with my task list racing through my head and spending my days careening from job to job with my hair on fire. And one thought keeps popping into my head: Thank goodness I don’t have kids.

Oh sure, if I had kids, I’d probably work less, take on less, let more slide by the wayside, but the truth is, I don’t want that. I love my work, all my crazy jobs. I love being my own boss and calling my own shots. I love pulling an all-nighter (all-nighter meaning working until 10 pm these days, but you know what I mean) and delivering a project on time, knowing I went the extra mile. And I love being able to sit in bed in the early hours, drinking my morning coffee in peace, and tapping out the blog post that I didn’t have time to write the day before.

There’d be so many sacrifices to make if I had kids, and perhaps they’d be worth making, but right now I’m glad I don’t have to.

Whiny Wednesday: Taking the Day Off

I’m taking this Whiny Wednesday off. I feel as if I’ve done nothing but whine all week, so instead I’m going to be Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary and list all the things I’m happy about today:

  1. My mum is here to visit, and she’s healthy enough to travel and fun to spend time with.
  2. My husband has the patience of Job and despite teasing me about being grumpy of late, he puts up with me.
  3. My cat loves me, in her own odd feline way. I am her #1 person.
  4. There is money in my bank account and food in my fridge, gas in my car and a roof over my head.
  5. I love my job, in fact I love all my jobs, even the ones that don’t pay.
  6. I have a great group of kids to mentor in my school program, and even though I want to take all of them home wih me, I am sane enough to understand that I can’t and won’t.
  7. I have friends who trust me enough to call me when they are in crisis.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. If you need to let it all out, go ahead. If not, tell me what you’re happy about today.

27 More Days ‘Til Halloween

Is it really October already? My goodness this year has flown. Back in May, during our discussions about that holiday, someone mentioned Halloween as being their second least favorite holiday as a non-mom. I must say I vacillate between loathing and loving Halloween. In years past I have gone out of town, or at least out of the house, to avoid all the impish cherubs begging for candy on my doorstep. Sometimes the cute factor is just too much to bear. Other years I’ve stocked up on candy and joyously given handfuls to every sized kid in the neighborhood. Hey, I never claimed to be logical or rational about my childlessness.

This year, the jury is still out. Maybe I’ll pull out my skull lights and Marcus the Carcass, my glow in the dark lawn ornament, and show some enthusiasm…or maybe I’ll turn out all the lights and pretend I’m not home. As I don’t have kids, the prerogative is mine.

What about you? Do you love or hate Halloween? Is it a holiday for kids or is it a better holiday without kids in tow?

A Voice for Life Without Baby

Last weekend author, blogger, non-mom cheerleader, and fellow Life Without Baby member, Pamela Tsigdinos, received an award from RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association, for her book Silent Sorority. Her post about the experience gave me goosebumps.

Pamela has taken her experience with infertility and turned it around into something outstanding. She is speaking out and being heard with her message that there is life after infertility, that there is life without children, and what’s more, that life is good.

Pamela, I know you’ll be reading this. I applaud you for the great work you’ve done and continue to do. Kudos, sister!

“BARREN: life on infertile soil” Opens Tonight

Don’t forget! Monica Wiesblotts’ new exhibit “Barren: Life on Infertile Soil” opens tonight at Gallery 255 in Ventura, California.

Monica is a photographer whose work “examines the quiet reflections of a life without children in a child-centric world, and what it means to navigate daily in those constraints”.

If you’re in Southern California between now and October 23rd, check out Monica’s show.

Whiny Wednesday: Tired of Media Exclusion

My TIME magazine just arrived. On the cover is the silhouette of a naked pregnant woman. I put the magazine face down on the table and I refuse to read it. The sight of a pregnant woman does not make me envious or pine for motherhood; I’m just tired of having motherhood pushed at me endlessly.

Last month’s Runner’s World met the same fate with its double features on pregnant runners and the best baby joggers on the market. My longtime subscription to this magazine is in jeopardy as they continue to aim more and more articles at parents, leaving non-parents flipping the pages looking for something relatable.

There are magazines galore for parents and mothers-to-be. Is it too much to ask for my news and hobbies to be safe havens?

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s rubbing you the wrong way today?

My Spare Room

My mum arrived last week for her annual 6-week-long visit. This means I spent the prior two weeks tearing my house apart and reassembling it to accommodate a guest. We have two bedrooms in our house, the second room being my fulltime office. It usually contains my desk, computer, files, papers, office supplies—basically everything I need to do my job on a daily basis. But right now it contains a bed and a couple of suitcases, with my desk and computer squeezed into one corner.

While clearing out the room, I started thinking about a book I recently read—Kathryn Stockett’s The Help (an excellent book that I can recommend highly.) One of the characters in the book has a series of spare rooms in her large house, at least one of which is set up to receive the children she expects or is expected to have (the mystery is revealed later in the book, but I’m not about to blow it now.) I realized that I had never envisioned my spare room as a nursery. I think that in my mind, we would make do in our little place and once children came along, we’d figure out how to move to a larger house, maybe in a different town. But a part of me can’t help wondering what had really been going on in my subconscious mind that I never planned for a place for a child to live, despite planning, or at least thinking about, all kinds of details involved in being a mother.

What about you? Did you ever make solid plans that included actions, rather than simply daydreams?

Should childless women be entitled to maternity leave?

This is a debate that is fueling some heated discussions, as I’m sure you can imagine. Should we be allowed to take maternity leave if we don’t have children?

My first response is “no, of course not.” I’m of the viewpoint that maternity leave falls in with other benefits such as unemployment and social security; it’s there if you need it, but it’s a service, not an entitlement.

That having been said, maybe it’s time to rename maternity leave. In recent years many companies have stopped separating sick days and vacation days, instead giving employees Personal Time Off to be used as needed—to go to the beach, visit the dentist, or lay in bed with the flu.

What if maternity leave became just “personal leave” offered to every employee to be used for their own personal life goals—to do volunteer work, write a book, run for mayor, or care for a newborn baby? After all, for most women, having children is a choice, and those of us without children are often left to pick up the maternity leave slack. When do we get time off to pursue our dreams?

Infertility: On the Rise or Less Taboo?

If you’ve ever bought a new car, you’ll know that once you decide on the make and model (and sometimes even the color), you start to notice that same car everywhere you go. For me, it’s been the same with infertility. Since joining the ranks of the “ovarially challenged” I’ve noticed infertility everywhere—in the news, in the movies, in my social circle. And yet there was a time when couples without children were rare and the subject wasn’t discussed in polite company. So what’s changed?

Is infertility on the rise or are we just more open to talking about it?

[polldaddy poll=3807667]

Finding Her Place After Infertility

Several months ago, one of our sisters, Wendy, was in crisis. She had been working as a child development specialist, but after her infertility diagnosis she realized she could no longer stand to work in that environment. She quit her job and then found herself, in her words, “trying to find out who the hell I am and what to do with my life.”

Well, she found out. A couple of weeks ago she got a call out-of-the-blue, and last week she left for Bangladesh to take a position with UNICEF as a pre-primary education consultant.

I’ve never met Wendy, but I’ve been following her journey on the forum, and I’m so inspired by her accomplishments. Here’s a woman who was knocked sideways by her unplanned childlessness, and yet she’s found her way.

She told me:

I have spent a lot of time thinking, and the only way I can make sense of my infertility is that maybe [it] means I can and should continue development work. Rather than focus only on the children who might be living with me under my roof, I can impact so many more children. Indirectly, yes, but many more. Working in international development, I can work to improve their schools, their home life, their health and sanitation, their nutrition, their families’ lives.

Congratulations, Wendy. Good luck in your new endeavor.