Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About Turning Wounds into Wisdom

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

“If you want to improve your basketball game, teach someone else the basics.”

“If you want more love in your life, first love others.”

Guides to life such as these always inspire me. So simple, so true. Give, and you will receive, they remind me.

Recently I heard a new one that struck a deep chord: “Turn your wounds into wisdom.”

It made me think about the surprise benefit I got when I started writing these blog posts. Shortly into the process of sharing my story, I realized I was writing what I needed to read. And then, as all of you joined in and added your stories, I realized I was not alone, and I learned from and took comfort in what you shared.

That cycle continues as new LWBers open their hearts, share their wounds, and gain wisdom from those of us further along the path toward acceptance of our childfree lives. What a beautiful experience!

If you’re new to Life Without Baby, welcome! We’re glad you found us! If you’ve been here for a while, thank you for giving of yourself. I hope you all find encouragement, support, and the wise words that will help you heal.

 

Just in time for the not always happy holidays, we’ve released Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree. Get your copy here.

Whiny Wednesday: Thanksgiving Edition

Whiny_WednesdayI’m always hesitant to replace Whiny Wednesday, as it’s such a popular outlet for angst (see last week’s post as an example of the value of a place to vent, and laugh.)

But tradition here is to mix things up a bit on the day before Thanksgiving and make Whiny Wednesday more like Gratitude Wednesday.

So, in honor of Thanksgiving, what are you grateful for this week?

Tough Love

beauty girl cryA number of years ago I got out of a long relationship. At the time I was also between jobs and my car had just passed 300,000 miles and was hinting that it didn’t want to do too many more. It was definitely a dark period in my life.

When I left the relationship, my friend offered me her couch and her daughter’s bed on the weeks her kids were with their dad. Here’s what she told me:

“You can stay here as long as you need and for the next two weeks you can do whatever you need to do. You can stay in bed all day, eat pizza, drink wine, not shower, and never change out of your PJs. You can sob into your pillow all night and sleep all day, if that’s what you need to do. 

“But you have two weeks, and after that, you have to get up, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and figure out how you’re going to start putting your life back together.” 

At the time I thought she was being unreasonable, expecting me to get over this in two weeks. But that wasn’t what she was saying, and as it turned out, she did me a huge favor.

I did stay in bed and feel sorry for myself for much of those two weeks. But then I got up, found myself a crappy job (Telemarketing! It was the pits) that got me out of the house, earning a bit of money, and on the road to finding a less crappy job, and a place to live, and eventually, making me desirable enough to find a new relationship.

My friend’s tough love changed my philosophy about grief and I’ve shared it with other people since. If you’re in a place now where you feel as if you’re never going to get over not being able to have children, that your life is going to be the pits from this point forward, give yourself some time. You might not be able to stay in bed for two weeks, but can you clear your calendar of non-essential obligations? Can you line up movies or books and just give yourself permission to feel sorry for yourself? Can you make some time and space to just feel bad and to grieve?

If so, do it. But put a big circle on your calendar for two weeks from now, or however long you can take, and that’s the day you have to get up and figure out how you’re going to start making peace with this.

Look around the site and find some tips and support, buy a book on loss and grief and read it, make a plan for the future that’s something you’ve always wanted to do. Take a small step, just one, and start the process.

It’s going to take a lot longer than two weeks to “get over” this, but you have to start somewhere and you have to start sometime.

If you’re looking for some solace and an understanding voice, I hope you’ve had chance to check out the Holiday Companion. It’s available from this site as both a full-color and printable PDF, and now also available as an ebook on Amazon.

It Got Me Thinking…About Prepping the Feast

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

There’s something about preparing a meal together that opens people up. You catch up on each other’s day, you share memories, you think about the person who first taught you how to level a measuring cup, test a strand of spaghetti, or chop onions without chopping off a finger. All those little moments come together in an emotional vortex when you’re sharing counter space with generations of loved ones and preparing a feast for a holiday meal.

I love the presents, decorations, music, and traditions of the holiday season as much as anyone, but what I miss the most as a childfree woman is the kitchen fun. As a family of two (and as a family of one until my early 40s), we don’t need six side dishes, two gravies, and a trio of pies. Even if we’re invited to join other family members or friends, I may be asked to bring an item, but I probably won’t be invited to spend the day in the kitchen.

Some women complain about the hours, if not days, spent shopping and preparing for an elaborate meal that will be gulfed down during halftime. I’m not one of them. I’d love to be included. I’d love to—even if it was just for that one day—feel like I was part of a big family again.

 

Just in time for the not always happy holidays, Lisa Manterfield and Kathleen Guthrie Woods have released Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree. Order your copy here.

The Holiday Companion is Here!

Cover Final HiIt’s here!

The Life Without Baby Holiday Companion is now available—just in time to get you through the not-always-jolly holidays!

We know from personal experiences—and from stories shared by the wonderful readers of this site—that the holiday season can be especially painful when you wanted children but didn’t get to have them.

So we put together a collection of humorous, healing, and thought-provoking posts and tips, including “All I Want for Christmas is Wa,” “Baby Chitchat,” “Holiday Survival 101,” and “Top 10 Benefits of Childfree Holidays.”

As a member of the Life Without Baby community, you get to preview Holiday Companion before the ebook is released to the world on Amazon next week. PLUS, when you order your copy here, you’ll receive both the full-color PDF and a black and white printable version.

Our hope is that this book will give you inspiration and encouragement as you make your way to a happier new year and a happier new you.

Cheers!

Lisa & Kathleen

Making Peace With Other People’s Children

peaceI love children again. I find myself cooing at babies, talking to little kids in restaurants, and enjoying interacting with other people’s children. Hurray! I’m back!

It wasn’t always this way. When it first became apparent that children weren’t going to be in my future, I went through a period of not liking other people’s children at all. I didn’t appreciate the joy of children—in fact the sound of children’s laughter didn’t make me smile; it about ripped my heart out. I didn’t want to interact with children and so I made a point of avoiding places where children congregate.

The trouble was, I didn’t like the me that didn’t like children. She wasn’t who I was. She was grouchy and bitter, the kind of woman who gives childless women a bad name! But I couldn’t help myself.

Now that I’m back, I realize my anti-kid-ness was a defense mechanism, my psyche’s way of protecting me while I got on with my healing process. Children reminded me of what I didn’t have, and it hurt to be around them. So I stayed away.

During this whole process of coming-to-terms with my infertility, I’ll admit to many unpleasant emotions and thoughts I wouldn’t want to share with anyone. But that doesn’t make me bitter, it doesn’t make me dark, and it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It’s just part of the process of protecting ourselves until the hurt starts to subside.

Have you noticed changes in yourself as time passes? If your old self was lost for a while, have you seen glimpses of her return?

The Life Without Baby Holiday Companion is out tomorrow. In case you can’t wait, you can pre-order yours here.

It Got Me Thinking…About “Just” Having One

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I’m at my wedding reception, all aglow in my big gown, overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the attention and love in the room. One of our guests comes up to me and says, “I’ve been watching you with your little nieces and nephews, and you’re so good with kids. Why don’t you have just one?”

Just what? Are you kidding me?! Like it’s so easy. Just like that, I’ll get pregnant, stay pregnant, pop it out, and the next 18-plus years will be a breeze.

The craziest part is when I told the story to my brand-new husband the next morning, he said, “Well, maybe we should try for a year and see what happens.” So much for all of our discussions about why we couldn’t have children (did I mention I was a 45-year-old first-time bride?) and why we wanted a family of two.

By the next day we were back to our senses and back on track to the beautiful life we’d planned together. Later I got to thinking about all the annoying “Just…” statements that people make. Like:

“Just adopt…just relax…just quit smoking…just get a job…just cut out sugar/carbs/fat/meat/anything that tastes good.”

Maybe I’m just feeling feisty today, but I’m pretty sick and tired of people—especially people who don’t know me well—who offer unhelpful advice. You know what I’d really like to say to them? “Just shut the f— up!”

Just in time for the not always happy holidays, Lisa Manterfield and Kathleen Guthrie Woods are releasing Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree. The book will be available here on this site next Tuesday! 

Whiny Wednesday: Sick

Whiny_WednesdayI was hit hard with a bad cold last week. As I was lying in bed, sweating, groaning, and coughing, I thought what a relief it was that I didn’t have little kids to take care of while I felt so awful.

Except my husband got the same cold (only way worse, of course) so, in a way, I did.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What are you feeling sorry for yourself about today?

Holiday Comfort

Cover Final-imageMr. Fab and I are starting to make plans for the holidays. Thanksgiving isn’t a big deal for either of us, but Christmas is, especially for me. After years of attempting to recreate my happy childhood Christmases and ending up disappointed, I finally gave up last year. Instead, we went out of town, just the two of us. We celebrated on Christmas Eve with a nice quiet dinner at a fancy restaurant, and then spent Christmas Day at the zoo. Honestly, it was the best Christmas we’d had for many years, and we vowed to make it a new tradition.

It’s easy to say that our (geographically and emotionally) scattered families have been the cause of our previous holiday gloom. But I know that, if we had children, things would be different. We would stay home with our little family and Christmas would (I imagine) be much like the Christmases of my memories. But without children, we find it hard to get into the spirit of the season or to muster our holiday cheer. That changed when we recreated the holiday to suit the people we are, rather than the people we used to be or wished we were.

The holidays are probably the hardest time of year for those of us without children. And this was brought home to me with great clarity recently as I was going over some of the posts and comments from the past three years of this blog. Alongside Kathleen (who writes Friday’s It Got Me Thinking… column) I’ve been compiling and editing a collection of some of these posts about the holidays, as well as some of the ideas and tips that readers have shared with us. As I sifted through the posts, I was struck by some of the struggles so many of us have and some of the solutions we’ve come up with to make it through this difficult season. I was also touched to see how this community rallies around one another when things get tough. It’s as if we’ve created our own family of understanding and empathetic friends, when so often our own families don’t get it at all. It’s a wonderful thing to see.

The result of all this sifting and compiling will be available next week in the form of an ebook we’re calling the Life Without Baby Holiday Companion. Our hope is that it will be provide inspiration and comfort at your fingertips when the holiday season gets tough. It certainly did for us as we were putting it together.

The ebook will be available on this site next Tuesday, November19 and on Amazon the following week. I’ll post details as soon as it’s up.