Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About Gifts

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s a made-up holiday fueled by jewelers, florists, candy makers, and advertisers who make us feel we need to overspend, and then make us feel like losers if what we receive doesn’t live up to our expectations. Rubbish! If someone loves me, I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his touch, I experience it in how he treats me every day.

However. Years and years ago, when I was very immature (i.e., I thought I had everything figured out and wasn’t shy about sharing my opinions), I announced my boycott of the holiday to the sweet man I was dating. The look on his face…he was crushed. I came to discover he had made plans for a lovely yet simple evening and had selected a couple of very thoughtful gifts. I felt like such a turd! Because when I thought about it, I knew how much I loved giving gifts to the people I loved, how much I enjoyed surprising them, delighting them, and making them feel special. Shame on me for taking that away from him.

Since then, I’ve learned to graciously accept the gifts I receive, whatever their origin, motivation, or price tag. My dad still sends me a card on this day, and I keep them among my treasures. I consider myself a rich woman indeed when I receive a sheet of construction paper decorated with abstract images in crayon (“That’s you and Jake on the playground,” my sister explains. Of course!). I might get a call from a far-flung friend and spend 10 precious minutes catching up with her. Looking at the bigger picture, every day I give thanks for the gifts of good health, a job that I love, and a roof over my head.

Today is a tough day for many people. It’s so easy to fall into self-pity, to catalogue what we lack instead of counting our blessings. So today I invite you to join me in acknowledging and accepting our gifts, whatever form they may take. Then, think about what you can give of yourself to make this day lovelier for someone else.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Tonight she’ll be surprising the love of her life with his favorite treat, a home-baked cherry pie.

Awareness

I’m not sure if it’s the same where you live, but if you happen to be in the U.S., you’ll already be into several weeks of red and pink window displays and newspaper ads for romantic dinners, and great prices on jewelry and red roses. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and like so many holidays, it’s become a huge commercial venture here.

Despite my somewhat curmudgeonly attitude towards Hallmark holidays, I would ordinarily be taking the opportunity to wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day.

But my resistance comes from somewhere deeper than a distaste for over-commercialism. Now that I am not going to be a mother, I have a more highly tuned awareness of the minefield of global holiday greetings. I know how hurtful it can be for a stranger to glibly wish me a happy Mother’s Day, not realizing what a painful thing that is for me to hear.

Because of this, I now appreciate that by wishing “Happy Valentine’s Day” to everyone I meet, I could inadvertently be reminding that person of what they don’t have. And I know how that feels. Shouldn’t Valentine’s Day, like Mother’s Day, be a personal exchange between the two involved parties?

So, I won’t be broadcasting a Happy Valentine’s Day message here. But instead, I wish you love and I wish you someone good to share your life with, whatever that means to you. If you have that love, cherish it. And if you don’t have it, I hope you find it soon.

Wishing you love today, in whatever form it comes.

National Women’s History Month: Cheroes

Next month is National Women’s History Month and last year we celebrated by featuring profiles of some inspiring Cheroes (childfree heroes.) Marilyn Monroe, Mary Cassatt and Billie Jean King were among some of the famous favorites, but we also had profiles of lesser-known cheroes, such as Lucy Hobbs Taylor – America’s first female dentist – and Dorothy Quintana, a local community crime fighter who passed away last year at the age of 101. If you weren’t here last year, you can check out the profiles here.

Many readers commented how inspired they were by these extraordinary women who left behind (or are working to leave behind) incredible legacies, so I thought I’d run a new series this year.

But I need your help.

If you have a favorite chero, if there’s a well known woman you admire who didn’t or doesn’t have children, or a local chero who’s making a difference in your community, let me know about her. Send me a short profile (doesn’t have to be in-depth or great literature) and a short two-sentence bio about yourself (even if it’s a made up bio about your online alter-ego), and I’ll add it to the line-up for March. You can send it to me through the contact page or email it to me at: editor [at] lifewithoutbaby [dot] com.

I’m looking forward to hearing about the women who inspire you. For now, here’s a little encouragement: Lillian Wald

With Eyes of Faith…Not Easily Offended

By Dorothy Williams

 

“Love is patient, love is kind…

it is not quick-tempered,

it does not brood over injury…”

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Can you tell when someone is bragging about their kids versus just sharing joy and being amazed by life? I thought I could, until I visited with an old friend I had not seen in twenty years.

Our luncheon started innocently enough as we sipped drinks while waiting for a table. We caught up on what happened after leaving school and where we landed in our careers. When we spoke of children, I revealed how keenly I felt the loss of my dream to have a family. My friend seemed to understand and, after sharing her joy over having two children, turned the conversation to her husband and the dog.

Then we reached our table. And then her merlot kicked in.

As my companion launched into a monologue about her son­ – that would last our entire meal – waves of shock and panic washed over me. I was about to learn just how smart Junior is, the great Ivy League school he got into, their wonderful times together when she watched him play sports, the awards he won, the private jokes they shared – well, you can imagine the rest.

What part of my struggle did she not get?  I considered my choices. I could indulge in a range of emotions popping like hot kernels in my consciousness, or I could load them onto tiny boats in a cosmic river, and watch them slip away. I chose that, and relaxed into a Christian form of meditation, called Centering Prayer. With a deep, cleansing breath, I secretly called on the Lord for what I needed and then…just…let…go…to focus on a prayer word.

At some point, the momzilla took a breath and said, “I am so sorry to keep talking about my son like this, but I miss him so terribly since he left for school!”

Ah, there it was.  My long-lost friend was not intentionally trying to offend me, but instead grieving the loss of her best friend. When he left for the east coast, a huge void opened up in her life. Talking about him – remembering the good times – made it seem smaller.  It also explained why we were reconnecting after twenty years. If I had allowed my indignation to rise up, our reunion would not have been the gift God intended.

Is it getting easier for you to tell if a gabby friend is bragging or experiencing something else? What helps you get through tense situations like this?

Dorothy Williams lives near Chicago.  She met with her old friend for a second lunch and they had such a good time that they now plan to meet monthly for activities like walking and kayaking.

Whiny Wednesday

Mr. Fab and I went away for the weekend. It was practically perfect in every way. We got some rest, went hiking, ate too much, and generally enjoyed the small town and the outdoors.

But I just realized that we didn’t see any kids.

Now that I’m really wracking my brains I remember there was a couple with two toddlers in a burger joint and a woman with two kids at the lighthouse, but other than that it was a very adult weekend.

You’d think this wouldn’t be Whiny Wednesday material, and I suppose it’s not, but I’m having one of those Twilight Zone/Stepford moments where it feels as if there’s something very wrong in paradise.

Regardless, don’t let me get in the way of an otherwise perfect Whiny Wednesday. If you’ve got something on your chest, feel free to get it off here.

 

It Got Me Thinking…About Meeting You, Part 2

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

It’s coming this weekend—the first-ever LWB Meet-Up on Saturday, February 11!

Members of the San Francisco Group will be meeting for a casual lunch, and I hope you’ve taken this opportunity to join or start a regional LWB group (see “Groups” in the left column of the Main page of the Life Without Baby site) and scheduled your own get-together. If this isn’t practical for you, then I hope you’ve called up a childfree friend and asked her out to lunch, just for fun.

I mentioned in an earlier post that it’s my intention to focus on the positive at our lunch. We have the LWB site to share our sadness and whine about our circumstances. On February 11, I hope we can simply be a gathering of women (who happen to be childfree) who want to get to know each other better (and who would enjoy talking about any topic other than their childfree-ness).

So that got me thinking about conversation starters. If you feel stuck, consider going around the table and asking/answering these questions:

What’s the best movie you’ve seen lately?

What book are you currently reading?

Any trips planned this year?

Did your education prepare you for your current job/career path?

Who was/is your mentor? What was her/his best advice to you?

If I were to prepare a special meal for you, what would be on the menu?

Who do you think is the greatest musician/composer/songwriter of our time?

Have fun!

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She recently had a stimulating discussion about the art of hand-written thank you notes (and why it’s still important).

Advice for the Infertile

A woman I know told me recently that she’s been going through fertility treatments and it’s not been going well. She didn’t ask for advice, but I felt I needed to say something encouraging. I mean, I’ve been there, I understand better than most what she’s going through and how she might be feeling. And I knew that she’d confided in me because she wanted to know she wasn’t alone.

But I didn’t know what to say to her.

Oh, I had a whole list of things I knew not to say, like: “You can always adopt,” or “If it’s meant to be it will happen,” so I wasn’t going near any of those. But I couldn’t come up with anything that sounded helpful.

I wanted to say something positive, to keep her spirits up and give her encouragement. I thought about, “Don’t give up hope,” or something similar. But I also know from experience that hope can turn negative when you keep clinging to it. Sometimes, “Don’t give up hope,” is the last thing you want to hear.

So, I considered, “Stay strong.” It’s general, but positive right? But who am I to tell her to keep a stiff upper lip, when I know the value of letting go of those feelings of frustration and just letting it all out.

In the end I told her that if she ever needed an ear, mine would be available. That was the best I could offer, and I hope it’s enough.

What would you have said? How do you strike a balance between what you know from experience and projecting your situation onto someone else? How do you help someone who’s dealing with infertility?

Fabulous Friday

Time for a Fabulous Friday again, I think.

 

Here’s your chance to rave about all that’s good in your life right now – big plans, fun things, or even just life’s sweet spots.

 

I’m off for a weekend at the coast with Mr. Fab. It’s partly work-related, but that work will include wine tasting, eating, and milling around pretty towns. The non-work bits will be all about resting, chilling in a cottage on a clifftop, and taking some beautiful hikes. The weather forecast looks good and we are ready to just spend some quiet time together. I expect to be back on Monday, refreshed and ready to take on the world. Fabulous.

 

So, what’s fabulous in your world this Friday?

Guest Blogger: Identity Theft

By Maybe Lady Liz

There’s a distressing identity theft trend going on in the world of young parents on Facebook. Their accounts are being hacked into and entirely taken over by their babies! People who once used to post about interesting things going on in the world (or, at the very least, some gritty details of last night’s rendezvous) have been reduced to status updates on teething, defecation patterns and (drumroll please…) the miracle of rolling over! I think my friend Jen said it best while scrolling through her list of Friends and seeing mostly toothless, drooling smiles – “When did I become friends with so many babies?”

So, to my dear Facebook friends:

I get that the baby is the joy of your life. As it should be! But you had a life before that kid, and it was full of friends – like me – who still want to know what you’re up to, who you’ve become, whether you think it’s Tebow-time. Facebook is about sharing your life with friends and family. And of course, most of that is going to be centered around your baby now. But don’t ever forget that you were a person before you were a parent, and there are people out there who miss that person. So even if it’s something as lame as your feelings on the latest Kardashian divorce, I want to hear it. We all do. (Well, sort of).

And just a word of warning: If your posts start to become a photo of the baby accompanied by first-person narration from the baby’s point of view (e.g., “I am SO excited Aunt Cassie is taking me to the park today!”), we reserve the right to un-Friend you. It’s for your own good.

Maybe Lady Liz is blogging her way through the decision of whether to create her own Cheerio-encrusted ankle-biters, or remain Childfree. You can follow her through the ups and downs at http://www.MaybeBabyMaybeNot.com.

It Got Me Thinking…About $25,000

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Two of my close friends are preschool shopping. In both cases, they submitted multiple applications shortly after the births of their children, because public schools are not an option (a topic for another post or a Whiny Wednesday) and getting into San Francisco’s private schools is very competitive. This is insane enough, in my mind, but here’s the kicker: Tuition for one child, for one year, is a whopping $25,000. “But it’s $35,000 in New York City,” one friend told me, as if that would make Californians seem frugal by comparison.

Twenty-five thousand dollars! That’s 250 $100 bills or 100,000 quarters! And that got me thinking…. If I had that amount of money to spare, how might I spend it? Here are a few options:

  • With parking at $2 an hour here, I could feed meters (with my 100,000 quarters) while running 12,500 hours of errands. Let’s do some math: At 3 hours each week, I’d be set for 4,167 weeks, or 80 years!
  • A new car! ConsumerReports.org compiled a list of the best cars under $25,000. I’m eyeing the Mini Cooper with a stick shift.
  • Six friends and I could stay in “Premiere Inns” while on Backroads’ multisport adventure in Costa Rica—biking, hiking, and soaking in hot springs in a forest setting. Sweet!
  • Since I could buy in bulk and get a discount, I’d order 468 12-packs of my favorite 82% cacao extra dark chocolate bars from Scharffenberger. At 210 calories per bar, that works out to….oh, screw that! I’ll…
  • …hire a personal trainer! The going rate is $75 an hour, so I’d get 333 hours of crunching abs and burning fat, roughly 6 hours of training each week for one year. Hmmm…I could get in shape for the Boston Marathon…or American’s Next Top Model!
  • 833 mani/pedis ($30) at the little spa down the street. If I visited once a week, I could indulge in 16 years of pampering!

With the exception of the car, all of the above seem extravagant—if not ludicrous—to me. But it is fun to think about. If you won $25,000 in the lottery today, how might you spend it?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Right now, she’s thinking about running out to the store to buy a bar of chocolate.