Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: Too Young for Menopause

Whiny_WednesdayOver the past couple of years I’ve been “enjoying” a journey into menopause. Yeah, it’s a hoot. All the symptoms of PMS, plus fuzzy head, weight gain, night sweats, the works.

I’ve been prescribed HRT and I’ve been reaching out to older friends for advice, because there’s a lot about this I don’t know. Most of my friends have gladly offered support, however one woman (a friend of a friend) looked at me and said, “Menopause? You’re too young for that.”

I assured her I was not, and left the conversation, but really, is that a helpful thing to say? Yes, I know I’m too young for menopause. Add it to the list of things my body’s given up before its time. And then ask me how I feel about the possibility the rest of me might be aging faster than it should too. Does this ever end?

As you may have guessed, it’s Whiny Wednesday. I feel better for my venting. Hope you feel better for yours.

No Longer Belonging in a Family-Friendly Restaurant

By Lisa Manterfield

lockA couple of years ago, a favorite local restaurant closed its doors, not because business was bad, but because the owner decided to reimagine the concept to make it more family friendly. My sweet little French bistro is no more.

What make this change particularly painful (and ironic) is that this gem, with its Parisian-style sidewalk patio, is where I sat when I wrote the first post for Life Without Baby.

Image

One Friday afternoon, more than six years ago now, I took my laptop, snagged a table in the sun, ordered myself a glass of champagne and a half-dozen oysters and began documenting my life without the children I’d dreamed of. Since then, Kathleen and I have celebrated completing drafts of our books there (see photo) and, one evening, I met with one of my earliest readers of the blog to share a glass of wine and stories of our journeys. So, this place holds a special place in my heart.

Aside from the sentimental loss, the restaurant was also one of the few quiet adult places to eat in that area. Along with one or two other holdouts, it’s surrounded by family pizza joints and family burger bars. And now it’s going to be another family-focused restaurant—an “eatery” instead of a “bistro.”

The owner told the local paper that the new place “will cater to a larger segment of the population” and that he plans to “make it more of a place where everyone feels they belong.”

I found it ironic that this longtime patron, who once felt so at home there that she chose it as the place to write about not have children, would no longer feel she belonged.

It’s been over a year now since the owner first made his announcement, and the restaurant is still standing empty. Perhaps the owner’s assumptions about “everyone” was wrong after all. Still, it gives me little comfort. I still long for the favorite spot where I used to belong.

I’m Back from the Life Without Baby Blog Tour!

Life Without Baby_Front_book 3DI’m back from my blog tour and what a wild couple of weeks it’s been, despite rarely leaving my desk!

Even though it was a lot of work to coordinate the tour and write ten posts (!) it was so worth it. I got to chat by email and skype with some of my favorite bloggers, in some cases women I’ve never spoken to beyond the comments section here. We got to know one another on a more personal level and marveled at how far we’ve each come in making peace with our childlessness. I felt, more than ever, a real sense of community and of having a sisterhood of women who completely understand me.

I also got to interact with some of you in a different space, on someone else’s blog. Seeing you there felt like arriving at a foreign airport and seeing a friend waiting with a bunch of flowers. Thank you to everyone who made the tour with me.

If you missed the tour bus, here is a round-up of my travels and all the blogs I visited. I hope you’ll take a little time and hop over to support these wonderful and generous bloggers.

Michelle Marie McGrath’s Unclassified Woman, where we talked about legacy and the myths surrounding childlessness

Loribeth’s The Road Less Travelled, on the topic of embracing possibility

Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos at Silent Sorority, where I answered questions about how far we’ve come

Catherine-Emmanuelle Delisle at Femmes Sans Enfant shared a video of a live story performance I did at Expressing Motherhood a couple of years ago

Justine Brooks Froelker of Ever Upward had questions about what prompted me to write a new Life Without Baby book

Lesley Pyne, on the subject of knowing when it’s time to let go of the dream of motherhood

Sue Fagalde Lick at Childless-by-Marriage, where I wrote about aging without children

Mali at No Kidding in NZ, on the topic of claiming your right to grieve

At French-language site, Bamp.fr, I talked about the benefits of writing through infertility and loss

I’ve also received some great early reviews for the book Here are a couple of snippets:

“As soon as I started reading ‘surviving & thriving… ‘ I felt that Lisa was right there with me, leading me gently by the hand and giving me permission to feel anything. She acknowledges how messy it will be, gives practical ways to get through, and lots of assurance that it will get better. For me, the grief section is particularly helpful; it’s the first time I’ve seen childless grief described in such an empathic and compassionate way.” ~Lesley Pyne, Coach

“I wish Manterfield’s book had been available a decade ago.  It would have been a valuable lifeline, a tremendous support at a time there was nothing available for women lost in a maze of fertility treatment promises and murky what ifs, uncertain about how to find balance and a path forward.” ~ Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority

“Page by page, Lisa holds your hand with gentle, unflinching support, openly sharing her story with you, and giving you permission, guidance, and gentle queries that help in your journey of healing. I only wish that when people called their reproductive endocrinologist’s office to tell them that they were “drawing a line in the sand” that the doctor was honor bound by the Hippocratic oath to send their patients a copy of this wonderful guidebook.” Tracey Cleantis, author of The Next Happy

I am extremely appreciative of these kind and generous words. If you’ve ever bought a book online, you’ll know how influential good reviews can be. If you do happen to pick up a copy of Life Without Baby and find it helpful, I would be thrilled if you’d consider posting a review on Amazon. Goodreads, or other bookseller sites. It would mean a lot to me.

So, now I’m back, normal programming will resume. There’ll be a Whiny Wednesday post this week and Kathleen will be back on Friday with her It Got Me Thinking…column.

Claiming Your Right to Grieve

Self-compassionDealing with grief is a topic I find myself talking about again and again. It’s one of the most overlooked and misunderstood aspects of coming to terms with a life without children. It’s such a critical part of healing that I devoted four entire chapters to it in my new book.
Today, I’m paying a virtual visit to Mali at No Kidding in NZ to talk about this topic of giving ourselves permission to grieve in our own way. Mali has been a long time supporter of Life Without Baby and you’ve no doubt already met her in the comments section.

During our e-mail exchanges, we talked about the grieving process and how our experiences have made us more compassionate to other people who have suffered losses. I suppose it’s one of the silver linings to this story.

You can find my post on Mali’s blog today (which is really tomorrow in New Zealand). Please drop in and say hi to her. I know she’d love to hear from you on her turf, so to speak.

 

Aging Without Children

childless-by-marriage-cover-smallOne of the unanticipated benefits of starting this blog has been finding a community of women—each with her own unique story—all struggling with the same issues and trying to find acceptance in the life they’ve been dealt. It helped me to feel as if I wasn’t stumbling through this alone.

Maybe you’re like me and have dealt with infertility and never been pregnant, or perhaps you’ve suffered miscarriages or lost a late-term pregnancy. Maybe you’ve dealt with other health issues that forced you into a decision not to pursue motherhood, or perhaps you’re dusting yourself off after the blow of a failed adoption. Perhaps you’re one of those women who watched her dreams of motherhood dashed as the search for the right mate kept turning up the wrong man. Maybe you faced divorce or the death of a spouse, or a partner who had a change of heart about parenthood.

Each of us has our own story about how we came to find ourselves watching the window of opportunity for motherhood slowly close—and yet we share so many common issues. What I discovered through the blog was that, when I wrote openly about the tangled emotions and “crazy” thoughts I was having, others kept whispering “Me too.”

One of the voices saying “Me too” was Sue Fagalde Lick. Sue runs the blog Childless by Marriage and is the author of the book by the same title. She writes honestly about what happens when your partner is unable or unwilling to have babies.

Today, I’m visiting Sue’s blog to talk about an issue that concerns all of us, no matter how we got here: Aging Without Children. You can read my post on Sue’s blog here.

Knowing When It’s Time to Let Go of the Dream of Motherhood

Lesley PyneToday I’m continuing my blog tour with a visit to Lesley Pyne in the UK. Lesley has been a wonderful supporter of Life Without Baby and has created a really valuable source of support on her own site.

I wrote a post for her about knowing when it’s time to let go of the dream of motherhood, perhaps one of the most difficult decisions any of us have ever had to make.

Lesley has a free ebook on her site about taking the first steps after this decision, so please drop in on her, read what I have to say on the topic, and grab yourself a copy of Lesley’s ebook.

 

 

Writing Through Infertility with Justine Brooks Froelker

Today I’m talking to Justine Brooks Froelker, founder of Ever Upward.

After spending a year in a body cast as a young woman, Justine was told that pregnancy would not be a safe option. She tells her story of struggle, hope, and recovery in Ever Upward: Overcoming the Lifelong Losses of Infertility to Define Your Own Happy Ending.

I spoke to Justine about Life Without Baby and how writing helped me to heal. You can read our interview at EverUpward.org.

 

Femmes Sans Enfant: Women Without Children

cat6-1060x460I’m very pleased to introduce you to my host for today’s blog tour stop.

Catherine-Emmanuelle Delisle went through one of my workshops a couple of years ago and, after it was over, decided to start her own French-language support community.  Within two years her site, Femmes Sans Enfant, won a well-deserved Canadian Blog Award in the category of Activism and Social Justice.

Today she shares a video of a story I performed a number of years ago about my experience with infertility. It’s interesting to me to see the person I was then—still fighting to keep my emotions under control, but beginning to find the courage to speak—to the person I am today.

Even if your French is a little rusty, please hop over to Femmes Sans Enfant and lend your support to Catherine-Emmanuelle and her work.

Whiny Thursday: Are You Still Talking About That?

Whiny_WednesdayMy apologies for depriving you of Whiny Wednesday yesterday. I hope to make it up to you today.

It’s now been six years since I let go of my plans and dreams of motherhood and started talking about “life without baby.” Six years later, I’m still talking about it, and I have no plans to stop talking about it any time soon.

So, this week’s Whiny Wednesday (on Thursday) is something I’m sure many of have heard in some form or another as you navigate this rocky road to healing:

Are you still talking about that?

Whine away, my friends.

And if you’d like a chance to win a copy of Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen, just add #whine to the end of your comment and I’ll enter your name into a drawing at the end of the week.

Two Wiser Women

 

IMG_0799When I asked Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos if I could make a stop at Silent Sorority on my blog tour, I should have known she wouldn’t let me get off lightly. If you’re familiar with Pamela’s work, you’ll know that she doesn’t skirt around challenging issues and she’s not afraid to write frankly about infertility and involuntary childlessness.

Pamela is a pioneer in our community, creating one of the first blogs (Coming 2 Terms, which grew into Silent Sorority) on the topic of life after infertility. Her book, Silent Sorority, was the first book I read about another woman who’d walked away from the infertility craziness. Since then she’s become a powerful voice, penning a follow up book, Finally Heard: A Silent Sorority Find Its Voice and gaining national attention for the infertility community.

As expected, Pamela asked me some thought-provoking questions about where I find myself today after surviving infertility and thriving without children. You can read our conversation in her post, Two Wiser Women.