Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Cooking for Two

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Here’s how I know I was supposed to have kids:

I am totally unable to cook for only two people.

Even though I was one person for a long time and my family has been two for over a decade, I still cook for a family of five. There are always leftovers in my fridge and I often turn the remnants of one meal into something different.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in a family of five and learned to cook for five that I can’t seem to downsize my portions. Or maybe there’s just a part of me that’s pure old-fashioned mother and wants to feed everyone. “Eat, eat! How are you going to grow big if you don’t eat?”

Well, Mr. Fab and I are growing big on my cooking, and now that my mother is visiting, I’ll be fattening her up to.

Do you have a maternal instinct that you can’t seem to shake off?

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdaySomeone backed their car or truck into mine in the Target parking lot the other week. They scraped my bumper, broke a tail light, and left. No note, no apology, no phone number.

Fortunately for me, a few days later Mr. Fab had a altercation with a concrete post, so the broken light is nothing compared to the giant scrape in my door. Sigh.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s causing you to shake your head in dismay this week?

It Got Me Thinking…About the Diaper Debate

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Girl ThinkingA friend posted this article (you don’t need to read it) on Facebook about the huge environmental impact of using disposable diapers. Stats indicate that the average baby will use 6,500-10,000 diapers, and in the United States that translates to 7.6 billion pounds of nonbiodegradable garbage a year!

The point of the article is to encourage parents to use cloth diapers, and the photo below was included…

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…and it got me thinking…shouldn’t there be a third display, the one representing childfree people that is sparkling clean and empty?

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is wrapping up her memoir about being a temporary single mommy and how it helped her come to terms with being childfree.

 

Whiny Wednesday

Whiny_WednesdayLast week I was checking out the stats on this blog and noticed a series of periodic spikes in visitors. When I dug a little deeper, I discovered that each spike coincided with Whiny Wednesday! I guess we all need a place to gripe now and then.

So, again, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you have something on your mind, please share it here. I promise you, you won’t be alone!

Creating an Ending After Infertility

journalingRecently, a member of the Road Map to Healing program said she’d had an idea to write a letter to the child she never had, and she asked if I thought it was crazy.

Here’s what I told her (edited slightly to maintain her anonymity):

“Writing a letter isn’t crazy at all. One of the things that makes infertility grief so unique is that there is seldom a finite end to the journey. There’s almost always some option still open and the loss is more of a gradual moving away from the dream, rather than a sudden end. It makes it really hard to acknowledge the end and grieve that loss.

Doing something tangible, such as writing a letter, creates a kind of marker that says, “this is the end.” And the other ladies [in the program] are absolutely right about not being silent. If you need to find a time to be alone, close the door to your room, and just let it all out, do it. It’s exhausting, but it’s amazing how much grief you can purge with a good cry.”

I told her I would write a post on this topic so that you could share your experiences with creating an end to something that has none. So here it is.

In order to start moving on with your healing process, did you need to create an ending with something symbolic and meaningful to you? Please share any “crazy” ideas that helped you find a stopping place and begin coming to terms with your life without children.

Also, a new session of Road Map to Healing begins February 5th. There’s no cost to join the program, however I will be offering some additional opportunities to join support calls as well as work one-on-one with me. You can find out all about it here.

 

 

It Got Me Thinking…About Being Happier (Cont.)

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

“According to one of the biggest studies ever conducted into Britain’s relationships, childless couples have happier marriages.”

An article in The Telegraph highlights some of the findings of research conducted by the Open University (read the article here), and while I can’t offer any scientific facts of my own, I will say that I agree with the overall assessment.

Sometimes when people ask me why I don’t have children, I’m tempted to answer “Because I love my husband.” I’m sure that would ruffle feathers and incite all sorts of unwelcomed advice, but there’s truth in this statement. I love being able to focus all of my attention on him. I love taking care of him, making his favorite meals, and joining him in athletic activities we both enjoy. I love that on weekends we run errands and attend events together instead of going in opposite directions as we shuttle kids to their activities. I love that when he’s going through tough personal or professional challenges, I can devote my energy to supporting him. We are not divided or distracted by the needs of kids, and I think our relationship is stronger because of it.

On the flip side, we also had to endure some unhappiness about not having kids to get to this point, so I’m not sure how I would have answered had my family plans worked out as I’d planned. Maybe the answer is that we have to define and create are own brands of happiness, no matter what cards we’re dealt.

What do you think?

For more discussion on this topic, read the post “It Got Me Thinking…About Being Happier” from December 2012.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

It Got Me Thinking…About Womb Transplants

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Whiny_WednesdayNine womb-less women in Sweden received transplants from relatives in hopes that they will be able to give birth to their own children.

Premise for a sci-fi blockbuster movie? Nope. True story. You can read the article here.

I read the article with mixed feelings. I felt so sad for the recipients, having a sense of what they’d been through to get to this point. I thought about the ethics and wondered if, maybe, their lack of wombs isn’t part of Nature’s plan for population control (yes, I know that’s not a nice thought, but it’s honest). I wondered who would put themselves through this crazy experimental procedure, then I thought about all of the women I know who would drink, inject, or believe anything in hopes of having their miracle babies. I wondered if I had been in their shoes, if I had the means and opportunity, would I have signed up?

Would you?

Maybe this will be the answer to so many women’s desires to have children, and I hope for the best possible outcome. At the same time, I fear what kind of new baby-making industry (and related scams) might result from success.

I hope women—and their partners—read the fine print and weigh the possible win with the possible side effects and risks: blood clots, high blood pressure, diabetes, some types of cancer, transplant rejection. I also found the closing line of the article chilling: “…there are no guarantees (that the women will have babies)…what is certain is that they are making a contribution to science.”

Both my husband and I had to have surgery in the last six months. We are lucky to be healthy, but I have to tell you, recovery was a bitch. Elective surgery? No way. Possibly sacrifice my health to contribute to science? Um, no. But to maybe have a baby? Maybe.

What do you think?

 

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.

 

All I Want for 2014 is…

2014This is absolutely my favorite time of year. The madness (and sometimes, sadness) of the holidays is behind us and it’s time to look forward to a brand new year.

I love the New Year. I love making plans, taking a little time to do some walking and dreaming, creating a picture of what I want my life to look like the following year. I always set some pretty lofty goals and sometimes I even reach them! But the thrill for me is not in checking accomplishments off my list (although I enjoy that, too) but in taking a deep breath and realigning my life to how I’d like it to be.

Among the cards I received over the holidays were a several (I was surprised how many) photo cards from friends who are also childfree. I really enjoyed seeing their adventures and travels, and although I’ll admit to a touch of envy, I was also glad to see photographic evidence that these women had worked their way through their loss and grief and were living life to the fullest again. Their photos also prompted me to move some of my old passions (travel and hiking, for example) higher up my list next year.

If you’re in the thick of grief, looking ahead to a rosy future can feel impossible, and even when the healing begins, you can sometimes find that you’ve lost touch with who you really are and who you’d like to be again.

One of the most encouraging weeks during last year’s Road Map to Healing workshop was after we’d discussed the topic of finding yourself again. So many participants said they’d pushed aside old passions during the baby quest, and it was so fun to see all the amazing things people had once loved to do that were about to be dusted off again. Some people loved singing, reading, writing, traveling, even trampolining. Their ideas made me think about bringing some of my own former hobbies back into my life again. I’d like to encourage you to do the same.

If you’re thinking there’s no way you’re getting on a pair of rollerskates again, I suggest thinking about how your old favorite hobby made you feel; what was it about rollerskating (for example) that you loved so much. Is there a way to recreate those old feelings in a new hobby? If your rollerskates gave you freedom and if you loved the feel of the wind in your hair, can you get that by riding a bike or taking a long drive with the windows open?

As we step into this brand new year, I encourage you to think about the “you” that got lost and to look for ways to find her again.

If you’re still in the early stages of coming-to-terms and struggling to even keep moving forward some days, let alone think about having fun, consider joining me on the next Road Map to Healing later in January. The program is free and offers plenty of tools to work through some of the most difficult sticking points. If you’re not already on the mailing list, you can sign up here to receive more information when the program begins.

It Got Me Thinking…About Pure Joy

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

This video has absolutely nothing to do with being childfree. Or infertility, miscarriages, lost dreams, Plan B. It just made me smile for two minutes and 49 seconds, and I thought I’d share.

Watch it here.

A bit of background: The song is widely known as the “Cups” song from the movie Pitch Perfect (and if you love all those shows about a cappella singing groups, you’ll love the movie). 1,500 students and staff from a school in Quebec got together to perform this to set a new world record.

As I get ready to say “See ya!” to 2013 and “Welcome!” to 2014, I think we can all use a shot of pure joy, so here’s my contribution to the cause. (Share yours in the Comments.)

Have a safe and happy new year, dear sisters!

It’s not too late to grab your copy of Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, offering inspiration and encouragement for getting through the holidays. The book is available here on our site and on Amazon—and now just $4.95.

Fear Not!

angelBy Nicole Hasenpflug         

My childhood Sunday school class had many boys, but only two girls: one petite, doe-eyed child…and me.  It was no surprise when, for the few years we were Christmas-pageant-aged, the other girl was chosen to portray Mary…every single time.  Too tall and awkward to be the mother of Jesus, I was the angel—also every single time.  I really wanted to have a turn at being Mary, but I did my best as the angel anyway.  I had the lines down from the first year, starting with, “Fear not! For behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy…”

On my bad days—and at this time of year there are a few—I’m sometimes bitter about the fact that I never even made the cut to play a mother in a church pageant.  “Mary” grew up to be a wonderful person and the mother of three adorable boys.  I don’t get to do that.  Always the messenger, never the mom.

On other days I think about my opening line: “Fear not.”  I chose my path as a teacher when I was still young enough for the tinsel halo, and I am now in my eighteenth year of teaching, in a school with many students in poverty and other tough situations. I spend a surprising amount of time saying, “Fear not,” or some variation, and then working to find ways to back what I’ve said and provide a bit of comfort, when often there is no easy fix.

I’ll never be a Mary, and I’m certainly not an angel, but delivering good news (and, once in a while, tidings of great joy) is a role I can grow into.

Nicole Hasenpflug has many adolescent musicians in her life—just not (usually) in her house.  She shares her home with her amazing husband and their two bunnies.