Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

What would you change?

According to recent news, “Beauty queen-turned-international TV personality Maria Menounos has announced she’s freezing her eggs to make sure she can be a mom once she has achieved all her career goals.”

Menounos goes on to say: “We’re going to freeze our eggs so that we have no problems down the line.”

And I’m biting my tongue, because I want this to be true for her. When she’s ready to be a mom, I hope she gets her dream. And I’m sitting on my inner cynic, who’s yammering on about it not being so simple as that, and how life doesn’t always work out as planned. I don’t want to be that bitter old crone who has to rain on everyone else’s parade, just because my own parade had a monsoon.

So, I’m not going to do it (although I think I just did) but instead I ask you this: If you knew then what you know now, would you change anything?

I have my own answer, but I’m curious to hear yours.

Whiny Wednesday: Will the celebrity bump parade ever end?

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past month browsing magazine racks in airports and train stations, and I have to ask: Will the media’s obsession with pregnant celebrities ever end?

From six rows back on my last flight I saw the news of Beyoncé’s pregnancy plastered over two pages of a fellow passenger’s magazine, and I think, “If every other celebrity is showing off her pregnant belly in a teeny weeny bikini, is this really news?”

Enough already, I say.

It’s Whiny Wednesday and I’ve missed it grumbling this past month. If you have pent up whines, let them out. Today’s the day!

It Got Me Thinking…About Pot

By Kathleen Guthrie

Down the street and around the corner from my home is a medical marijuana dispensary—one of two in our neighborhood. I am 100% in support of pot being used to ease the side effects of chemotherapy and other excruciating conditions, but I get really irritated when carloads of 20-something guys swing by on Thursday afternoons for their weekend party supplies.

 

I’m reminded of why I never tried it. Twenty or so years ago, I read something that said when you smoked marijuana, elements from the drug could settle into your fat cells. Specifically in women, it could lie dormant in your eggs and eventually result in birth defects in your future children. That was enough for me. I politely declined to join my friends when joints got passed around, and frankly, felt a little smug about my decision to be drug-free. In the end, it would pay off with happy, healthy children, right?

 

Fast-forward and I’m now at the time in my life when it’s clear I won’t be having kids. And, you know what, I’m a little pissed. All those years I spent exercising, eating right, not drinking, not smoking, not doing drugs so that my body would support a pregnancy—all for squat!

 

So I think it’s time I start making up for my unnecessary sacrifices. I’m too afraid of jail to experiment with illegal substances (much to the relief of my fiancé, who is in law enforcement), but I am thinking a gluttonous feast of sushi, Lemon Drop martinis, and chocolate, chocolate, chocolate is in order.

 

 

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She believes “Life is what happens when you’ve made other plans.”

Everything happens for a reason

I read this article in the New York Times this week. It’s the story of a neuroscientist whose daughter was born with Down Syndrome. Dr. Costa did what any of us would have done facing a diagnosis of a loved one; he threw himself into research. The difference is he is now close to finding an effective treatment for Down Syndrome.

In a quote pulled from the article, Dr. Costa said, “Things happen for a reason…” implying that he would have not moved into this field of research at all had he not had a personal reason.

Now the whole “things happen for a reason” thing usually rubs me the wrong way. It’s right up there with “it’s all in God’s plan.” My own personal belief system doesn’t go along with the idea that my life has been mapped out for me, and that being unable to have children is all part of some grand scheme for me to do something else instead. Just as I don’t believe that Dr. Costa’s daughter was born with Down Syndrome so that he could be the one to find a cure.

However…

My life is different because I don’t have children. Opportunities will come along and I’ll be able to take them because I don’t have the responsibility of parenthood. And, while it’s unlikely that I’ll be the one to find a cure for infertility because of my own diagnosis, I do believe that, like Dr. Costa, I will someday look back on my life and see that something good happened to me because I was infertile.

Just don’t know what that is yet, but I’m looking.

 

 

P.S. On a personal note, my friend Sarah is a vocal Down Syndrome advocate for her beautiful three-year-old son, Gideon. She’s currently promoting a fundraising drive for Down Syndrome Research and Treatment. Information here, if you’re interested.

Whiny Wednesday: Spoiled parents

If, like me, you woke up on this beautiful Whiny Wednesday morning with nothing much to whine about, this little story ought to fire up a few complaints. (And thanks to Kathleen for sending this to me!)

[Warning: Before you click through, note that this story includes baby pictures]

A couple in Tennessee took out a home equity loan to get the $24,000 needed to undergo IVF–not for their one chance at parenthood, but to pre-select the sex of their fourth child. Oh yes. Already having two boys and a girl, these people thought their daughter would “miss out” if she didn’t have a sister to play with, so they took out a loan and flew to Los Angeles to find a doctor who offered gender selection.

What the fruitcake?!

I guess some people really don’t understand how precious life can be or how fortunate they are just have healthy children, or children at all. I hope that whatever void these people saw in their lives, it’s been filled now. Somehow, though, I think there’s more to this story than just wanting to even up the numbers.

Jail time for growing vegetables

I love to garden, but I rent my home, so my grand ideas are limited by my landlord’s wishes, my unwillingness to invest in someone else’s property, and my propensity for abandoning overly ambitious projects.

Our house has a fair sized lawn in front, but because we live in Southern California, it’s green of its own accord for just a few months a year. Last year we were under water restrictions that limited the watering of lawns, and regardless, I have a hard time justifying pumping gallons of water onto something that isn’t supposed to be there in the first place. We live in a desert for Pete’s sake.

I’ve long harbored dreams of ripping out the lawn, terracing the slope, and planting a verdant vegetable garden. Yes, that will take water, too, but it will be a lot more productive and environmentally savvy than grass.

So, I was stunned (but not ultimately surprised) when I saw in the news this week that a woman in Michigan could face jail time for planting a vegetable garden in front of her house.

Apparently a neighbor complained that the woman’s new landscaping “disrupted the look of the neighborhood” and the city has taken it all the way to the courts.

Contrast this with the many cities, such as Long Beach, CA, offering their citizens financial incentives to convert their water-guzzling lawns, and Sonoma County’s iGrow program that encourages everyone to grow their own food.

Of course, this story make me want to go out and start digging my lawn up immediately, but knowing myself as I do (see last week’s Craft Nerd post) I know I’d get complaints, and well-deserved, about my half-finished project.

Whiny Wednesday – Free Birth Control

The big debate on yesterday’s morning news show was whether birth control should be considered as preventative care and therefore covered by health insurance.

What?! Are we really having this discussion in the 21st century? Do we really need to go over the long list of ways that providing women with family planning options makes sense socially and fiscally?

The woman brought in to speak against the bill made the case that people who are opposed to birth control for religious reasons shouldn’t be forced to pay for this coverage.

Well, guess what, lady? That’s the whole basis of any type of insurance; you pay for what you hope to never use. Believe me, I hope I never need to use most of what’s covered by my health insurance and I don’t want to use my car insurance or my life insurance either.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe in supporting services that I may never use. My taxes help pay for schools that I’ll never get to send my children to, but I’m happy to pay to keep other people’s children educated. I no longer need to use birth control to prevent an unexpected pregnancy, but I’m more than happy to do my bit so that others can have that option.

It’s Whiny Wednesday, the sun’s shining right in my window, and I’m hot, cranky, and pissed off about backwards attitudes. What’s on your mind today?

Harry Potter and the end of a tradition

Mr. Fab and I went to see the new Harry Potter movie on Thursday night. We went to the midnight show, double-feature (Parts I & II of the Deathly Hallows), and didn’t get home until after 3:00 a.m.! We didn’t dress up as Harry and Hermione and didn’t line up to six hours ahead of time to get the best seat in the house. We didn’t go because we are Harry Potter fanatics; we went because it’s tradition.

Harry Potter is one of those quirky things that binds Mr. Fab and I together. I took him home to meet my family for the first time the summer book four came out. We lined up in town at midnight to pick up a copy, and I have a picture of him standing under my mother’s clock, holding his purchase.

We got married the year the third movie came out and we saw it on our honeymoon, dubbed into Spanish. We’ve bought every book at midnight, read them together, own copies of some in Spanish, Welsh, and Latin, and have been to every midnight opening show.

Young people interviewed after the movie said that the end of the Harry Potter movies marks the end of their childhood. They grew up on the books, and now the story has done being told, it’s time for them to move on. For us, I don’t think of it as the end of anything, just a catalog of good memories we’ve logged together. I know it’s goofy, but Harry Potter is special to us and it became a tradition and a guilty pleasure.

What traditions and guilty pleasures do you have? Is there an event that you never miss, no matter how goofy it seems to others?

P.S. happynenes, I’m envious of your visit to Harry Potter World!

Whiny Wednesday: Casey Anthony

It’s 5:30 a.m. and I am writing this posting while hurtling down the interstate to catch an early flight (it’s ok, I’m not driving.) I can count the hours of sleep I got last night on one hand, and I just had McDonald’s oatmeal for breakfast. You’d think that would be all I’d need for a good Whiny Wednesday, but no, I also have Casey Anthony on my mind.

If you’re tuning in from elsewhere in the world and haven’t been subjected to the media frenzy surrounding this case, you can catch up with the story here. Even though a jury found Ms. Anthony not guilty of the murder of her two-year old daughter Caylee, the court of public opinion decided long ago that Casey was responsible, somehow, for the little girl’s death.

Regardless of the trial’s outcome, no one can claim that Casey Anthony was a responsible mother. It saddens me to think of all the good and loving families Caylee could have been born into, and it makes me hopping mad to think that, at 25 years old, Casey Anthony will have ample opportunity for a second chance at motherhood and that, knowing how unfairly life works, she could be given another young life to care for.

It Got Me Thinking…About Baseball and Babies

By Kathleen Guthrie

I thought it was some kind of spoof. While watching our San Francisco Giants lose to the San Diego Padres, we caught a vague ad about a “World Championship Baby!” Huh?

 

I went online the next morning to learn more and discovered that, yes indeed, there is a contest to recognize a baby who was conceived around 7:54 pm on November 1, when the Giants beat the Rangers to clinch last year’s World Series. The winning baby, expected to arrive on August 1, will receive a named brick at AT&T Park, a gift card for $2,010, and an “official certificate signed by the Giants.” Meanwhile, fans can browse an online gallery of moms-to-be and their ultrasound images.

 

This whole thing makes my skin crawl. Maybe I’m envious and oversensitive. I can’t say, however, that I’ll feel any better if the geniuses in marketing try to make it up to me by having a “Childfree Women Free!” Day next season.

 

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Kinder-soccer is still her favorite spectator sport.