Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Oprah’s Second Chance

Oprah Winfrey was one of the first guests on Piers Morgan’s new talk show this week, where she talked candidly about the loss of her baby when she was 14. Oprah has said in the past that she has no regrets about not having children, but this time she talked about how losing her baby was her second chance to turn her life around and make something of herself.

Love her or hate her, there’s no denying that Oprah has certainly made something of herself. She talked to Morgan about the chain of events – beginning with going back to school and becoming head of student council – that led to her becoming the person she is today. “None of those things would have happened and the whole trajectory of my life would have been different,” she said on the show.

Although I have no illusions of my own life paralleling Oprah’s, I have to say that it’s certainly taken some unexpected turns since that doctor told me I would never have biological children. I’ve started a blog, met women from all around the world, written a book, and been quoted in a magazine as an expert! Recently, another avenue has opened and I’ve been working with a therapist friend to develop a series of workshops to help women deal with the effects of infertility and childlessness (more to come on that soon!) None of these things were in my plans two years ago and certainly would never have happened if I’d merrily gone on to become a mother.

They say that for every door that closes, another opens, and I’m a believer. The motherhood door closed firmly for me, but once I picked up my chin and looked around, I discovered a whole host of opportunities waiting for me. While I don’t believe I was denied motherhood so that I could do these things instead, the converse is certainly true -none of these things would have happened if I’d had children.

Has your life changed for the better because you don’t have children? Have you had opportunities you wouldn’t have had if you’d been a mother?

Are Bank Loans for IVF Ethical?

I thought long and hard before deciding to post on this topic today. To say it’s controversial is an understatement. But it can’t all be pretty all the time, so here goes:

 

The Bioethics Center, part of New Zealand’s University of Otago, recently posed this ethical question: “Are banks wrongfully exploiting the childless by offering and advertising loans for IVF?”

 

Apparently, ASB bank in New Zealand offers (and makes no bones about advertising) loans to pay for IVF treatments. They have produced a very emotional and persuasive commercial to promote their product. You can watch it on YouTube, but I’m warning you to do so at your own risk. This is direct-to-the-gut advertising at its best.

 

I have very mixed feelings about this subject. On the one hand, I don’t believe that IVF and other fertility treatments should only be available to the wealthy (and at anywhere from $10,000 – $20,000 a round, it’s not something that’s accessible to everyone.)

 

On the other hand, commercials like this fuel the notion that there’s always something else to try, always one more hope left, when sometimes, it’s just time to stop. It targets people when they are at their most vulnerable. In the banking world, they call that a predatory loan.

 

So the question I’m posing to you is this: is it ethical for a bank to offer and advertise loans to pay for IVF?

 

I’ll look forward to hearing your opinions.

 

2010 A Great Year for the Childfree

According to an article by Lisa Hymas (she’s the GINK mentioned in Wednesday’s post) 2010 was a the year childfree went mainstream. She says:

In 2010, the childfree started making some real noise. Get used to it; you’ll be hearing a lot more racket from us in the future.

I’m inclined to agree with her on this and add that the childless-not-by-choicers got a voice too.

Last year, fellow CNBC-er Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos won the Team RESOLVE Choice Best Book Award for Silent Sorority. An organization focused on helping couples find family-building solutions recognized a book about living a life without children. I call that progress.

In my own corner of the world at the start of 2010, I had expected to tuck my childlessness away and pull it out for examination only once in a while.  I wanted to talk about it, but who would want to listen? Turns out I’m not the only one who felt that way. I’ve been amazed to discover how many of us are out here, ready to talk and be heard.

And people are listening. I’ve had several friends (with children) who have read this blog and told me that they see their other childless/childfree friends in a new light and understand their situation a little more. I call that progress, too.

We are still (and probably will always be) a minority, but my hope is that, some day some of the issues we face will go away, or at least get the respect they deserve.

Whiny Wednesday

I love the Internet for the breadth and depth of information it provides, and for the opportunity to read so many varying opinions on one subject. But sometimes I just have to walk away.

Case in point, I was doing research for a post and came across the following comment on an article:

“I take care of my parents. My children will take care of me. You want to force my children to take care of you too, meanwhile you arrogantly and selfishly live a much richer life style. Frankly, every GINK I’ve met was an arrogant, self-righteous, elitist. You should apologize for not adding to the future of our race.”

So after I ranted to myself about not expecting anyone else’s kids to take care of me, how our race of almost 7 billion people doesn’t need much adding to, and how narrow-minded this woman was to tar us all with the same “arrogant, self-righteous, elitist” brush, I stomped off and took a long, hot shower.

This woman was clearly on a mission (she posted about half a dozen comments to the same article) and I can’t believe I let her anger get under my skin.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s under your skin today?

Childless people eat healthier diets than parents

Here’s something to be happy about. According to a recent study by the University of Reading, we who are childless or childfree eat healthier than our parenting counterparts. On average, we eat about 2kg more fruits and vegetables over a fortnight, or translated into American English, more than 2lbs a week!

According to an article on Physorg.com:

The study revealed that the presence of children in a household leads to a lower level of demand for fruit and vegetables and meat, and an increased demand for milk and dairy, cereals and potatoes.

The study took place in the UK, so I would add pizza, mac and cheese, and spaghetti to that list for the U.S.

So, if you haven’t had your recommended 5-a-day today, the question is, why not?

Another Year Over (Almost)

I don’t know about you, but this is the time that I start closing up shop for the year, winding everything down, and getting ready for a fresh new year ahead. The New Year is my favorite holiday. I love the feeling of wiping the slate clean and starting all over again. It’s a time to look back at the year, take stock of the good and the bad, and make plans for improving the next year.

This year has been a wild ride, but a good one. Back in March I had an idea that I should blog about the issues that come with being childless or childfree in our society. I thought it might be a good idea to start an online community where women like me could come and air their feelings. I had no idea how this was going to change my life, but it has.

I can’t tell you how valuable it has been for me to know that there are people out there (that’s you) who completely understand how I feel and who don’t think I’m crazy because I feel that way. It’s been an amazing experience to know that every time I sit here at my computer rambling on about what’s on my mind, there are other women out there reading it, nodding their heads, and saying, “I know! Me too!” It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone.

I don’t yet know what next year is going to bring—the release of my book (with any luck at all), some travel, some new adventures? But I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be spending the next couple of weeks assessing my life, and deciding where I want to go next. I don’t set New Year’s Resolutions, as such, but I always set goals for the year and resolve to work towards them.

What about you? What are your wishes, hopes, goals, or resolutions for the next year? Or is your only goal currently to make it through the upcoming holidays relatively unscathed?

It Got Me Thinking…About Celebrity Bumps

Oh. My. Gawd! Make it STOP! A December 6 headline reads: “Mariah Carey (and Her Baby Bump) Perform at Disney World.” (If you want to further torture yourself, read the full article here.

First of all, as a professional writer and editor, I must point out that a baby bump cannot “perform” at Disney World or anywhere else. Unless, okay, maybe if the mother-to-be is a belly dancer. But still, mostly impossible.

Secondly, why is this news?! Why should we care?! I think it’s enough that a supremely talented woman is sharing the gift of her amazing voice (although I still don’t think it’s newsworthy). And while I’m happy for any woman who finally gets pregnant after having difficulties, I think it’s jinx-inducing to make such a big hullabaloo in the early and precarious stages of her pregnancy. Most of all, I don’t want to hear about how the parade of expectant celebrities are using the latest fashions to conceal, accentuate, or accessorize their swollen bellies.

I’m possibly just feeling pissy, but I’m starting to think that reinstating the old-fashioned tradition of a woman going into “confinement” once she begins to show could bring a little balance back into our baby bump-obsessed world.

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is learning how to embrace being childfree.

Empathy With a Killer

I read this very disturbing story in yesterday’s LA Times. Former Food Network Chef, Juan-Carlos Cruz was recently sentenced to nine years in state prison after being convicted of paying a homeless man $1,000 to murder Cruz’s wife. The details in the newspaper of how Cruz suggested the man strangle his victim to avoid “a mess,” and how he provided doggie treats to keep his dogs from barking, are truly sickening. Regardless I read on, wondering what possible motivation there could be for this heinous crime.

A few more paragraphs in, I found his motivation: infertility.

According to the article:

Cruz told detectives when he was arrested that his wife had been “going through a midlife crisis” after unsuccessfully trying fertility treatments for more than a decade, according to the report. The couple spent more than $200,000 on fertility treatments and Cruz said he believed that killing his wife was “a ‘merciful’ way to end her suffering.”

The article continues:

Cruz, who told detectives he had considered taking his own life, said that Mother’s Day was especially painful for his wife and that he could not bear seeing her. When investigators asked Cruz when he began looking for someone to kill his wife, he told them that he had been looking for several weeks and wanted the task completed by Mother’s Day.

And this is the point where I actually felt sorry for the guy who plotted to kill his wife.

We all know (especially those of us who are childless-not-by-choice—just how hard Mother’s Day can be. I could picture this poor woman, already at the end of her rope, facing another Mother’s Day without children of her own. And I could picture her husband, at a total loss as to how to help her get through this. I can see the expression on his face, because I’ve seen that same look on my husband’s face when facing another infertility land mine and being powerless to do anything about it. Maybe murder was the only proactive thing that Cruz could come up with to help his wife.

Granted (as far as I know) my husband never conspired to have me bumped off, and I’m not condoning Cruz’s decision, but I can empathize with his motivation, even if I can’t understand, or forgive, his actions.

Hey Advertisers, You Talkin’ To Me?

I was browsing a magazine this morning, drinking tea and eating some excellent toast with almond butter and blueberry jam, when an ad caught my eye. It might have been the two very handsome cats that first stopped my eye, but it was the words that really caught my attention.

“New and improved Blue cat food is cat-preferred and mom-preferred.”

Eh? Mom-preferred? What was that supposed to mean? I’ve become so accustomed to advertisers talking over the heads of non-moms that my first thought was that moms liked the food because the natural ingredients would do no harm to Little Johnny if he decided to help himself to the cat’s dinner. But reading on I realized that the advertisers were speaking to “moms and their furry family members” – i.e. pet moms.

This struck me as smart advertising. As a cat-mom (but not a human-mom) this ad spoke directly to me and I appreciated that. On taking a closer look I also realized that human-moms weren’t excluded either. Very smart advertising. Of course the cat-dads were excluded, but as the magazine is geared to women, I doubt there would be many complaints.

Did the ad cause me to run out and buy this brand of food? Well no. My furry family member is a cat after all, and I can’t just go around changing things on a whim, but I appreciated the advertisers thinking outside of the mommy box and including those of us with only furry family members. Maybe they’re starting to realize that just because you’re a woman of a particular age, doesn’t automatically mean you’re a mom.

Childfree Flights

You’ve been there. You’re tired, jet-lagged, just want to go home, but two rows over a baby with the healthiest lungs imaginable is testing them at full force. Or the three-year-old behind you is pounding the back of your chair with his light-up sneakers. Or (my own personal nightmare) the kid in the seat next to has turned green and is reaching for the air sick bag.

At some point we’ve all been on a flight disturbed by kids, but now a movement is beginning to persuade airlines to provide childfree flights or at least family only sections. I must say, I can’t quite decide where I stand on this.

Over the years, I think I’ve had relatively good luck with babies on flights, but when my luck has turned, it’s turned big. This summer we flew from LA to Vancouver on a flight that had connected with one from Fiji. There were lots of families on board and the whole three-hour trip was like a bad day at the Whacky Warehouse. The flight back was no better and we’ve vowed not to fly that airline again, at least not on that route.

But a childfree flight? The NY Times article prompted this letter to the editor, and while I don’t wholly agree with her argument (yes, all babies cry, but that doesn’t mean they should be taken to restaurants, the movies, or on long-haul flights) she makes some good points. Childfree flights feel elitist and while I like the idea in theory, I can’t actually see myself paying more for the privilege. And a family section on a plane? Remember the days when planes had smoking sections? Confining children to one section is like giving them carte blanche to run riot.

I think this debate is going to go on from some time. Where do you stand? Would you pay more for a childfree flight or do we all just need to get along?