Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Guest Post: Small Favors

By Jill B.

After a particular tedious day looking at spreadsheets and attending a longer-than-expected internal meeting, I was having a much-needed night in, staring mindlessly at the TV with a glass of wine in my hand (please don’t judge me!).

I was expecting to watch some complete nonsense (that’s normally what happens when I actively sit down to watch TV) but I happened upon a gem that left me with a message I didn’t expect.

It was a property programme following the trials and tribulations of a couple in the south of England converting a charming, stone-built former industrial building into a family home.  It had no roof, the walls were non-existent in places, there was an open mine shaft nearby and the land was overgrown with fifty years of weeds.

The couple were challenged with a limited budget of only £100,000 (about $160,000) when any sane person would have said that a more realistic figure of £250,000 was needed to get the job done.

But this was the bit I really liked.  The man was a stonemason with 25 years experience in the building trade and lots of great contacts.  He was a pragmatic guy who’d been a kind-hearted friend to people over the years and had shared his skills and done a good deed where people couldn’t pay the going-rate.

Good-naturedly everyone generously returned his acts of kindness, ten-fold in many cases.  Pointing the stonework, a few hours plumbing or electrical work, a day or two decorating, supplying some hardwood for the window and door frames; everyone did a little bit of whatever they could to help out.  It took a little longer than originally anticipated but the home is now complete.

It seems indeed that a generous heart renews humanity*.

This was a generous heart on a grander scale than perhaps we’re capable of every day, but there are simpler ways to share.  There have been stories on the UK news in the last few years about how people in rural communities are starting to barter their wares on a more formal and organised basis.  But I guess we all recognise the opportunities we have to “return the favour” or perform an act of kindness.

My neighbour recently cut the hedge that sits between our gardens and he left me a small bag of potatoes that he’d grown in his garden.  A great but simple kindness that I know I’ll be repaying sometime over the winter when the driveway needs clearing of snow or he wants a pint of milk from the shop.

But perhaps we should be doing these things more often for our “neighbours” and in these financially tough times doesn’t it make all our lives much easier and much richer when we do?

 

*thanks to Buddha

 

Jill B. lives in Scotland, where her neighbors are few but appreciated.

The Art (and Benefits) of Lying

Dorothy sent me this article recently (thanks Dorothy) from a woman asking “Dear Coquette” for advice on what to say when people ask if she has children. Dear Coquette’s answer? Lie.

 

I had to laugh out loud when I read this, because it has never occurred to me before to lie about not having children. It’s brilliant!

 

Now, granted, if you’re talking to someone you’re likely to see again or who might otherwise find out the truth, then it gets tricky, but if you’re at a cocktail party or some social situation where you’re basically making small talk with strangers, then why not make something up? I mean really, you could actually have some fun with this,

 

I envision clipping photos of kids from magazines and putting them in one of those fold-out wallets, then when someone asks if I have kids, I’ll whip out the pictures and say, “Why, yes! I have five. This is Mai, Uri, Owen, Bea, Senise.” (Say it fast; extra points if you get it.) Then I can start in on what a horrible time I’m having because the baby has a very delicate digestive system. I really think this could work.

 

What do you think? Could you lie to a stranger? More to the point, would you?

 

Oh, and I must just say that while I think this suggestion is inspired, I happen not to agree with her suggestion that saying, “I can’t have children” will shut the person up. In my experience, it’s more likely to open a whole conversation about adoption. I think it’s much more fun just to lie.

Whiny Wednesday

Good morning and a happy Whiny Wednesday to you.

Are you gearing up to hit the roads or airport today? Good luck. Do you have to face one last dash to the grocery store for the vital ingredient you forget? Take a book to read in line. Are you facing a day of chopping, mixing, and prepping ready for the feeding of the 5,000 tomorrow? Don’t forget to get your self some downtime, too. And if you happen to be spending Thanksgiving alone, come on over and hang out here for a while, if you’d like.

I’m heading north tomorrow, meeting my oldest friend from England in San Francisco and spending a week with her. As she has no concept of Thanksgiving, I am off the hook for turkey and pumpkin pie. Instead, I plan to enjoy some time with someone who’s known me for longer than almost anyone else I know. Can’t wait.

In the meantime, feel free to get out your whines here today and have a very happy Thanks giving tomorrow.

 

Lucky Me

In her wonderful post last week, Dorothy talked about the idea of getting a double dose of something else good to make up for the child-shaped holes in our lives. I’ve been thinking a lot about that idea, especially as we tick towards Thanksgiving.

 

I don’t really consider myself unlucky. Sure my plans for having children didn’t work out, but I have so many other things going for me. And as a general rule, I feel that luck is usually on my side.

 

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here are the top 10 things I am thankful for today:

 

10. My health, which is having its off-days lately, but in the big scheme of things is good.

9. I need to lose a few a pounds instead of having to worry about where my next meal is coming from.

8. I get to work that I love (most days.)

7. Clean flannel sheets. They’re one of life’s greatest indulgences.

6. I live 3 minutes from the Pacific Ocean and on a good day I can almost smell Hawaii from my back yard.

5. My friends, near and far, who make me laugh, or think, or who just listen

4. My family. Mad as hatters, all of ’em, but they’re pretty special.

3. My cat, who was good enough to pick me for an owner, and who loves me in her own strange kitty way.

2. My mum, who is about as good as a mother any daughter could ask for and is coming to spend Christmas with us.

1. My husband, who isn’t perfect, but is pretty flipping marvelous despite his flaws.

 

Feel free to join in and add your own list.

It Got Me Thinking…About Connections

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Marlo Thomas—That Girl, St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and “Free To Be…You and Me”—is on my mind today. I just finished her most recent book, Growing Up Laughing. If you need a pick-me-up, I highly recommend you run out for a copy. It’s her memoirs of growing up with her famously funny father, comedian Danny Thomas, and his legendary pals, which include George Burns, Milton Berle, Don Rickles, Bob Hope, and Red Buttons. She also interviewed present-day stars, such as Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Tina Fey, and Jon Stewart, to get their thoughts on how they ended up funny. I laughed out loud at the many anecdotes and jokes, and I have a new appreciation for the hard work it takes to be a successful comedian.

But what struck the deepest chord within me was a brief story about when Gloria Steinem, founder of Ms., asked Thomas to speak to a group of welfare mothers. Thomas was unmarried at the time, and childfree (she later became a stepmother to husband Phil Donahue’s four sons), and wondered what in the world she could talk about. “Trust me,” Gloria said. “They’ll love you—and you’ll love them. You’re all women.”

And I thought: “That’s IT!” That’s the one message I want to get out to the world through our site and through how I live my life. We’re not mothers and non-mothers, we’re not breeders and infertiles, we’re not with child or childfree. We’re all women.

Thomas bonded by sharing family stories. We can all relate to the antics of the eccentric grandmother, the regrets of aunts who shelved their dreams for the so-called security of marriage, the sisters and friends whose talents were “dismissed because they were women.” With her stories, childfree Thomas had the audience of mothers laughing and crying along with her. “Gloria had opened my eyes and my heart to the connections that we women have with each other.”

It’s so easy for me to obsess over other women’s haves versus my have-nots—or to gloat over the freedoms I enjoy that they have sacrificed for family life. Enough. Let’s focus on our common ground and celebrate and support each other, as women, regardless of the paths we follow.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She celebrates Marlo Thomas for breaking down barriers to gender equality. 

With Eyes of Faith…Hannah’s Significant Other

By Dorothy Williams

“…why are you weeping? Why are you not eating? Why are you so miserable? Am I not better for you than ten sons?” (1 Samuel 1:8)

 

The questions a husband asked his barren wife many centuries ago could just as easily represent feelings secretly harbored by our family members today. Can you imagine poor Elkanah sitting by the bedside of his wife, Hannah, feeling completely helpless and perfectly invisible as she quietly sobbed and rocked herself? 
And I ask myself, how many times did my own husband sit by me feeling the same thing? Or what about my sweet mother?  Or even my best friend? I was blind to their love, too, as I grieved the loss of my children.

 

In the biblical story, Elkanah had two wives named Hannah and Peninnah, but only Hannah was barren.  Peninnah used her status as a “mother of sons and daughters” to provoke and torment Hannah because she viewed her as a rival. Seeing what was going on, Elkanah gave “a double portion to Hannah because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb” (1 Samuel 1:5).

 

When we are provoked, it’s easy to devalue the close relationships we enjoy with our spouse and other best friends. I guess it’s because the power of the moment gets our focus fixed on what we lack rather than on all that we have.  For me, it was like a giant microscope was shoved into my face every time I had to deal with a pregnancy announcement.  My grief forced me to peer down a tube at this giant hole in my soul, blinding me to the daily favor I enjoy as a child of God.

 

And speaking of God, the same questions could be posed in a different way:  Isn’t our relationship with the Lord better for us than ten sons?  And where in our lives has God given us a “double portion” because we are so deeply loved?

 

It’s something to think about this Thanksgiving, as we count our blessings.

 

Dorothy Williams lives near Chicago.  She enjoys time spent with her family in Christ.

Whiny Wednesday: Feeling Old…Again

Getting old is the pits.

 

Even though I’m not yet even halfway through my planned life journey, I’m falling apart. Last week it was hot flashes; this week it’s a bad back. Not life threatening, but certainly life adjusting. And let me tell you, there’s nothing to make you feel more decrepit than being unable to lift your leg high enough to put on your underwear.

 

Luckily for me, my brother suffers from the same Achilles heel, so I was able to call him for sympathy. And now it’s Whiny Wednesday, so I can gripe to you too. I’m planning to be fully recovered and fit for dancing by the weekend (not that I plan to dance, but it would be nice to have the option) but in the meantime, all I have to say is, “Wah! Poor me!”

 

As it is WW, feel free to out-whine me. I dare you.

It Got Me Thinking…About Photo Opportunities

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

It’s like a Pavlovian response. I see someone taking a group shot, and I automatically steer their way and offer to take the photo so everyone can be in it. It’s a good human thing to do, I think.

But a recent event may have begun dismantling the conditioning process. We were heading out of the stadium after a baseball game when I spotted a man lining up a woman and two boys, I’d guess about 7 and 9 years old.

“Can I take the shot so you can all be in it?” I asked.

“Yes! Thank you!” the man said, then handed me his camera and pointed to the shoot button.

“Say ‘chili-cheese fries’!” I said, then I looked through the viewfinder and noticed one of the boys was doing his best impression of a troll face. “Seriously?” I asked, as I lowered the camera. “Is that your best choice?”

The kid looked surprised that I’d called him out, and for a second, I felt badly that I’d ruined his fun. Maybe he’ll appreciate it when he’s 30, I thought to myself. But then his dad looked over and laughed as he saw his son’s expression.

“Nice catch!” he said to me. “You must be a mom.”

“Yup,” I choked out, as I lined up the shot again and captured a keepsake of four normal-looking people—three of the four with unforced smiles.

I handed back the camera and accepted their thanks, and wondered to myself if it would have made any difference if I had responded, “Nope. I’m just a woman who used to be a kid, who loves kids, who gets kids. Don’t have to be a parent to do that.” Did I miss a teaching moment? Could I have given this one family something to think about, a little more awareness that childfree people are human too? Could I have gently impressed upon them that we don’t need to give birth to have parenting skills?

Sometimes it just seems easier to nod my head, swallow the slights, and keep the game moving. But the fact that I’m still thinking about this months later makes me wonder if I made the right choice.

And then to make things even more complicated, I start to wonder why I assumed this was a dad taking his family out to the ballgame? Maybe he, like me, was an uncle who loves his nephews, who also comes naturally to great parenting skills. Funny how our conditioning, our trained responses to situations, takes over. Funny how, in the midst of bashing other people’s preconceptions, I am confronted smack in the face with my own.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Although she came of age during the Los Angeles Dodgers’ glory days, she’s now a committed fan of the San Francisco Giants. 

It Got Me Thinking…About Soccer

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

I am a lifelong UCLA Bruins fan, I am growing to love the San Francisco Giants, my adopted team, and we have season tickets for USF men’s basketball. But cleats down, my favorite spectator sport is kindersoccer.

Kindersoccer is not quite “soccer” because it is being “played” by first-year athletes, the five- and six-year-olds. There are no real rules. The players travel around the field in a pack, following the ball, kicking randomly, and ignoring any concept of positions or strategies. Once in a blue moon, the ball connects with a foot, meanders through a tumble of pudgy bodies, and makes its way into the net. Everyone cheers. No one boos or screams obscenities. Loyalties are not based on team colors. It’s a field full of pure joy.

I don’t get to experience this very often, because as a non-mom, I am on the sidelines of the sidelines. I’ve told family and friends, “Send me your game schedule! I’d love to come!” and occasional invitations come through. But mostly, they are ignored, I guess because the families are too busy or they don’t think I’m serious in my request. And after I’ve asked a few times, I let it go, because I don’t want to seem pushy or weird.

This. Totally. Sucks.

So to my friends with kids, I repeat: I would love to join you in cheering on the basketball/baseball/soccer/football team this and every season. Your kid gets all the glory, and you might mend a piece of my heart. Everybody wins.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She will never forget watching her nephew make his first hit in his first-ever T-ball game.

What’s Your Holiday Plan?

OK, even if you’re still in denial, sooner or later you’ll have to face the fact that the holidays are coming at us. Halloween is over and Thanksgiving (for those of us in the U.S.) is just over two weeks away.

 

No matter which holidays you celebrate, odds are it will mean family get-togethers, maybe including relatives you see only once a year, and holiday parties where people drink too much eggnog and say stupid things.

 

Whether it’s your brother-in-law yelling across the dinner table to ask how the baby-making’s going, or great aunt Ethel fussing over your cousin’s brood and then turning her questions on you, or Bob from accounting unfolding a wallet full of toe-haired kids and grilling you about your family, the holiday season can be a minefield of awkward questions and inappropriate comments. So what are you going to do?

 

Granted, one option is to hole up with It’s a Wonderful Life and a box of Kleenex, but I don’t recommend it. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to go out in public and it pays to be prepared.

 

We’ve often talked about how to deal with those difficult, awkward, or downright rude questions. It all sounds good on paper, but then someone catches us off guard and we end up mumbling an almost apologetic answer and then kicking ourselves later (or venting about it on Whiny Wednesday.) So, let’s get prepared.

 

Think about all the events you’re going to have to attend this season. Think about who’s going to be there, and how informed they are about your personal situation. (If you see some relatives only once a year, word may not have reached them that you’ve stopped trying, for example.) Think about the questions you might be asked and practice your answers.

 

This technique is called Mental Rehearsal. Athletes use it to visual scoring points; people use it for job interviews to practice confidently asking questions; even the military use it to prepare troops for what they might face on the battlefield. True, you can never know what you’re going to face on the holiday frontlines, but if you’ve practiced an answer to “So, when are you guys going to have kids?” or “Why don’t you just adopt?” you’ll be prepared, even if someone throws out a variation.

 

Here’s an article with some suggestions on how to practice this technique. Try it now, before the holiday madness kicks in. Maybe you’ll even get to relax and enjoy the season, instead of dreading the inevitable stupid question.