Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Well-Behaved Women

I’ve been going through a bit of a renaissance recently. I’ve dropped a few pounds and been exercising fairly regularly, things are going well in general, and I’ve found myself with a new shot of self-confidence.

This has resulted in my buying a pair of kick-ass red boots, chopping off my hair into a funky little bob, and adding rocket red streaks to the front. I’ve also been digging around in the back of my closet (and the Goodwill bag I recently filled) and experimenting with putting together some old favorite clothes in new ways – interesting tops over summer dresses over leggings, with the aforementioned funky boots. I’m having fun and enjoying letting the new me out in public.

After seeing the Expressing Motherhood show, it occurred to me how different this experience would be if I had children, in particular teenage daughters. Imagine: “Mom! (shriek!) You’re not going out in THAT are you?!” or, “Oh, Mother, what HAVE you done to your hair?” or that old chestnut, “Mom, don’t you think you’re a bit OLD to dress that way?”

Oh, the humiliation, not just for the teenage daughter, but for me, for being pointed out as mutton dressed as lamb, or for just being an embarrassment. Because moms are expected to behave a certain way, to dress a certain way, to be respectable and good role models for their daughters. (I realize that many aren’t and several come to mind, but being good is what they’re supposed to do.)

Laurel Thatcher Ulrich has a wonderful quote that has made its way into popular culture lately. She said, “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” I’m not exactly planning on making it into the history books for my misbehaving, but I’m enjoying the freedom of having no one to embarrass but myself.

Valentine’s Week Blog Tour

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and I’m planning a trip. I won’t be heading off somewhere tropical with my sweetheart, though; instead, I’m taking a virtual tour of some of my favorite childless/childfree/non-mom/cool women blogs.

For the whole week of February 14th, I’ll be popping up on other people blogs for interviews, Q&A’s, and podcasts. I’ll be talking about the pros and cons of the childfree life as well as some of difficulties of coming to terms with that life. There’ll be contests and prizes and who knows what other fun stuff.

The idea is to connect as many related blogs as possible and introduce readers of all the blogs to each other’s. No idea if it’s going to work, but I’m looking forward to the adventure.

Right now I’m compiling a list of stops, so if you have a favorite blog (and yes, nominating your own blog is perfectly okay) post a link in the comments and I’ll add it to the list.

Now I just need to figure out how to get bumper stickers to show off all the places I’ve been.

Whiny Wednesday: Love

Anyone who knows me in the real world will tell you that, in person, I am not a gusher.  I’m an enthusiastic sort when the occasion calls for it, but I’m not one for public shows of excessive affection. If I don’t tell you “I love you,” don’t assume I don’t care; it’s not a phrase I toss around lightly and if I say it, I mean it.

 

Like I say, I’m not big on public affection, either physical or verbal.

 

So, I’m not going to tell you, dear readers, that I love you, because I’ve never even met most of you, and “love” just isn’t the right word. What I will tell you though, is how very much I appreciate you and how glad I am that you are in my life.

 

I have been sitting here reading the comments you’ve left on some recent posts and I am touched by your incredible generosity in sharing your hearts with me and with other readers. I am in awe of how you reach out to one another – to people you’ve never even met – and offer words of kindness and encouragement. It is the most wonderful and inspiring thing to watch, and seeing it restores my (sometimes flagging) faith in the human race.

 

As I said, I’m not a gusher, but today I felt the need to gush a little.

 

It is Whiny Wednesday, of course, and even though I don’t personally have anything to whine about today, I hope that my mellow mood won’t deter you from letting rip, should you need to. Whine on!

It Got Me Thinking…About Girls’ Night Out

By Kathleen Guthrie

Tonight, my fiancé’s coworkers are taking him out to a pub to watch a game. And I think, Cool! Girls’ Night Out! Except it’s a weeknight, and my friends here are all moms. Going out to watch a chick-flick or linger over wine at a cozy bistro takes a backseat to helping with homework, making sure everyone’s eaten their vegetables, supervising bath time, and coaxing every last little darling into bed. As it should be.

Even if they could talk husbands and partners into taking over the nightly duties, I’m not up for an evening spent discussing school fund-raisers, the nicest ballet teachers, soccer game schedules, or pregnancy issues. When all topics lead to mommydom, I have little to contribute. And when it’s not boring, it hurts. Tonight, I’m just not up to it.

But, dang, I’m lonely. I know part of the issue is I’m new to this city. I moved here two years ago, and I haven’t yet had the time to build my new tribe. In my old city, I could call up any number of childfree girlfriends and look forward to a night discussing politics, spirituality, the last great book we read, classic movies we all need to see, our bucket lists, the state of the economy, people we love, celebrity gossip, fashion, travel plans….

Maybe I’m more aware of this because of how much I’ve enjoyed being part of the conversation on LifeWithoutBaby. “Enjoyed” isn’t the right word. I feel like we speak the same language. Each member is a unique voice, but there seems to be a shared level of compassion and openness. You inspire, move, and challenge me. You impress me with your intelligence, insight, honesty, and wit. Several times a week, I meet up with you for a virtual Girls’ Night Out, and…it got me thinking: Can we meet up in person?

My city is San Francisco. I’m starting a group on the main site, and I hope you’ll join me. One day soon, we’ll a set date for our first get-together for a movie, a chat over coffee, or a glass of wine and a lively discussion about whatever comes to mind. If you live in the lower half of California, consider joining the “Southern California Members.” There’s also a group forming for “Austin,” or if your city is elsewhere, consider starting your own.

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. Her most recent article celebrates the 50th anniversary of To Kill a Mockingbird.

Announcing the Official Release of My New Book

Drum roll please!

It’s official. My new book is finally available in print!

It feels like this has been a long time coming and I think I’ve sprouted one or two extra grey hairs along the way, but finally it’s here. I’m very excited to be able to share this story and it’s my hope that it will help to shed a little more light on what it means to be childless-(not-exactly)-by-choice.

If you’d like to buy a copy, you can get one here. If you’re an Amazon.com shopper, it will be in stock there sometime next week. I’ll keep the links updated as it makes it way into other outlets.

In the meantime, thank you for your continued support, for dropping in on this site, reading my ramblings, and sharing your own. I really appreciate knowing you’re out there.

As a small thank you and bit of a celebration, I thought I’d have a contest to win a copy of the book. Just leave a comment on this post and I’ll randomly select a winner at the end of the day tomorrow.

Thanks again for your support.

~Lisa

Happy New Year!

Wishing you a very happy New Year. May you find the peace, joy, and success you seek. May you have a life full of adventure and happiness.

Today I will be making lentil soup for good luck (and hopefully a little prosperity), I will be taking a traditional New Year’s hike, and typing up my goals for the year. I’m looking forward to a great 2011 and I also look forward to sharing the coming year with you.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday season, however you spent it. It will be business as usual here on Monday. See you then!

Lisa

Merry Christmas To You

Dear Friends,

Breaking all the rules of blogging, I have decided to shut down for the rest of the year and spend some much needed time with my husband.

I want to thank you for your companionship during this past year and I look forward to getting some more heated debates going in the New Year.

In the meantime the forums will be wide open and I hope you’ll keep the conversation going in my absence.

I wish you a beautiful and peaceful holiday season, and I look forward to a happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year.

So, for now, I wish you all a Merry Christmas, wherever you are and I’m sending this greeting from my little family to yours.

With very best wishes,

Lisa

Another Year Over (Almost)

I don’t know about you, but this is the time that I start closing up shop for the year, winding everything down, and getting ready for a fresh new year ahead. The New Year is my favorite holiday. I love the feeling of wiping the slate clean and starting all over again. It’s a time to look back at the year, take stock of the good and the bad, and make plans for improving the next year.

This year has been a wild ride, but a good one. Back in March I had an idea that I should blog about the issues that come with being childless or childfree in our society. I thought it might be a good idea to start an online community where women like me could come and air their feelings. I had no idea how this was going to change my life, but it has.

I can’t tell you how valuable it has been for me to know that there are people out there (that’s you) who completely understand how I feel and who don’t think I’m crazy because I feel that way. It’s been an amazing experience to know that every time I sit here at my computer rambling on about what’s on my mind, there are other women out there reading it, nodding their heads, and saying, “I know! Me too!” It’s so comforting to know that I’m not alone.

I don’t yet know what next year is going to bring—the release of my book (with any luck at all), some travel, some new adventures? But I’m looking forward to it. I’ll be spending the next couple of weeks assessing my life, and deciding where I want to go next. I don’t set New Year’s Resolutions, as such, but I always set goals for the year and resolve to work towards them.

What about you? What are your wishes, hopes, goals, or resolutions for the next year? Or is your only goal currently to make it through the upcoming holidays relatively unscathed?

A Book On Every Bed

Syndicated advice columnist Amy Dickinson, aka Ask Amy posted a great idea last week. Working alongside the Family Reading Partnership, she has launched a campaign called “A Book on Every Bed.” You can read about it here.

The idea is to give a book to a child this year, wrap it and place it on his or her bed, so that it’s the first gift they see on Christmas morning, before the thrill of the latest video game or gadget takes over.

I love this idea.  Amy talks about her first book, Green Eggs and Ham. Although I can’t remember my first book, I remember the book my older brother gave me for my eighth birthday: The Complete Adventures of Paddington – in hardback. I still love that book and I will never part with it. I don’t remember anything else I got for my birthday that year, but I remember my brother giving me that book.

Even though we don’t have children of our own, we can still have an influence on other people’s children. If you have a child in your life, consider giving them a book this year.  It might not make you the most popular person now, but years from now, when the toys and games have broken and been tossed away, your book will be still be appreciated.

My First Drive-Through Nativity

Tootling around town this weekend, J and I saw a banner for a drive-through nativity. We couldn’t resist!

Is there anything more American than the drive-through concept? I drive through to get coffee, medicine, even dry-cleaning! I arrived in the U.S. too late to catch a drive-through movie, but I felt compelled to take advantage of the drive-through nativity.

It was lovely. There were ten or so scenes telling the story of Jesus, all the way from the Angel Gabriel to the rolling away of the stone. Each scene was narrated via a loaned in-car CD (or cassette in our old car) and featured live actors and an assortment of stuffed animals and baby dolls. There were wise men in tennis shoes and pint-sized shepherds with itchy headgear. So far, it was the most Christmas-y thing we’ve done yet this year.

What does this have to do with being childless? Absolutely nothing. But my life isn’t only about my lack of motherhood; it’s also about spending time with friends (at a fun dinner party), eating fabulous dinners out (best Italian food I know of), seeing bad movies (The Tourist. Skip it!), and celebrating the holidays with a drive-through nativity.  What else is your life about right now?