Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Expressing Motherhood – Part III

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about going to see my friend in a show called Expressing Motherhood. I wrote a post about my trepidation and facing my demons head-on, and a follow-up about my surprise reaction to the show.

Mali left this comment:  

“What a difference it would have made if the performance had […] included the story of one infertile woman. We would all have felt included then, and positive towards the performance.”

Great suggestion, I thought, so I contacted the producers, and to cut a long story short, when the show reopens in April with a new cast, yours truly will be out there flying the non-mom flag.

Ok, so I’m pretty excited about this, but I bought fresh scallops from the fishmonger today and it’s almost dinner time, so I’ll keep it brief. Just know that this won’t be the last you’ll hear about this. I’m really pleased that the producers were open to this idea and I’m nervous but excited about having a captive audience of moms to hear my story. My hope is to be able to open a few eyes and maybe get people thinking a little about their own friends and family who don’t have children. It’s going to be interesting.

So, here are the basic deets, for any of you who happen to be in the Los Angeles area and think you might be up to seeing the show:

Expressing Motherhood

Mother’s Day Show (Yup, that’s right!)

April 27, 28, 29 & 30

May 4, 5, 6 & 7

Elephant Space

6322 Santa Monica Blvd., Los Angeles

Tickets are $20 from www.Brownpapertickets.com, and if you buy on March 1 and use the code “Five” you can save $5.

I’ll keep you posted.

Not So Private Anymore

I am a very private person.

 

I laughed when I told this to Pamela last week, doubly so when she told me that she was too. But it’s true. I don’t tend to wear my heart on my sleeve or share the private aspects of my life, sometimes even with my closest friends. I like to keep things to myself.

 

However, last night I attended the official launch party for my book. It was so much fun to mill around the room, talking to people and signing copies of my book, that somehow, in the thrill of the celebration, I managed to overlook the fact that all these people will now know the most intimate details of my life, my body, and my relationships.

 

But there; it’s done; it’s out there for everyone and his dog to know!

 

They say that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I think that’s true. Infertility wasn’t something I ever wanted to deal with and in many ways I didn’t deal with it when it was happening to me. I didn’t confide much in friends or seek help elsewhere. I just kept it private. But the experience made me stronger and made me want to talk about it. It made me want to share the experience with other people so that they can better understand what it’s like. It’s not always comfortable, but I know it’s the the right thing to do.

 

I’m not such a private person anymore, and I’m okay with that.

 

 

It Got Me Thinking About…Minivans!

By Kathleen Guthrie

Aside from the obvious fears of pregnancy and childbirth – related pains and complications, what I dreaded most about becoming a mom someday was the transition from hot babe to minivan driver. Whenever friends waxed poetical about their automatic sliding doors, roomy seats, and safety features (really?), I wanted to gag. Not me. No way. Never, I thought.

Be careful what you wish for, right?

But now that I know there will be no children to haul around, I’m excited to rediscover a whole wonderful world of fun cars. And because I won’t be funding anyone’s college education (see “Money” post), it’s possible I could pull one out of my garage some day. Here are a few I’m ogling:

Sure the red-hot Mercedes-Benz SLK-Class screams midlife crisis, but who cares?! It’s gorgeous! “With a retractable hardtop that transforms it from coupe to open roadster in 22 seconds,” it allows me to imagine I could be the next Danica Patrick, hair flowing in the wind as I zoom around the track…or just out to dinner. I also love that the description includes “Seats 2 adults.” Yup, that’s us.

The 2011 Jeep Wrangler has a tagline that reads, “The Ultimate Experience for the Person who Wants Freedom to Explore.” And because there’s no one in the backseat being cranky, I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. That’s Freedom, baby!

Porsche now makes family-friendly vehicles, including the 4-door Cayenne hybrid. They’re stylish, I think, but my heart still belongs to the classic Boxster. Top down, a drive along the coast, Beyonce on the stereo. No room for packing a playpen, stroller, or quilted bag filled with “entertainment” and drippy snacks for the kids. P-a-r-a-d-i-s-e.

I’m sure the marketing execs at Harley-Davidson hired supermodel Marisa Miller to entice men of all shapes and sizes to buy a motorcycle, but I’m here to tell them that I’m also looking to pick up the bling, boots, pants, and leather jacket she’s wearing. (Are they washable? It doesn’t matter!)

Gullwing doors, plush leather seats, a stereo system that automatically ejects songs performed by The Wiggles…. So many fabulous possibilities. Vrooom!

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She currently gets around in a hip Scion xB.

It’s a Party!

And you’re invited!

I realize that many of you are a good 24 hours travel away from me here in California, but, if you happen to be in the Los Angeles area this Tuesday, February 22nd, I’m throwing a party and I’d love to meet you in person.

It’s a launch party for my book, and there’ll be food, wine, and music. Should be a lot of fun. Here are the deets:

Book Launch Party

At: Pages: A Bookstore

904 Manhattan Avenue

Manhattan Beach, CA

 

Tuesday, February 22

6-8pm

Fast (Childfree) Meals For Busy People

Last Sunday’s San Francisco Chronicle Food and Wine section had a big feature article on “Good, fast meals for busy parents.”

Once I’d done grumbling (“Parents aren’t the only people who are busy,” and “Oh great, another mainstream publication excluding the childless and childfree”) I actually looked at the article.

A couple of the recipes were things I might actually try, but I must say, I don’t know too many kids who are going to willingly eat Pan-Seared Tofu & Kale Salad, or Sole with Cara Cara Orange, Avocado and Red Onion Salsa!

I was recently caught in the cross-fire of a couple of mom’s exchanging recipes to feed their little ones. I chimed in with my lemon chicken recipe. It’s quick, it’s healthy, and it’s really delicious.

So it got me thinking…we are all busy women and we all need to eat, and sometimes cook for someone else. So what do you like to cook? What’s your go-to recipe for fast, healthy, tasty, and edible?

I can’t now find my Lemon Chicken recipe, but it’s so easy it goes like this:

1. Take your chicken breasts, pound them, and cut into the size of tenders and soak them in lemon juice for an hour in the fridge.

2. Mix breadcrumbs (I like panko) with salt, pepper, and dried herbs, parsley and/or basil.

3. Dip your chicken into melted butter or olive oil, then into the breadcrumbs, and put them on a baking sheet.

4. Bake at 450 for about 20-25 mins.

Really easy, quick, and delish. J

Life and Friendship After “The Thing”

Please take a moment and contribute your opinion to this poll.

Last Saturday, I met Pamela (Silent Sorority) for the first time. We had lunch and talked. In fact we talked for so long and so easily that I forgot to collect my husband from the airport. No long-term harm done, thankfully.

Pamela and I talked about many things, but we didn’t talk about “the thing” – our infertility – even though that was the common tie that brought us together in the first place.

What we talked about mostly was the future. What’s next? Once you’ve come to terms with a life without children (no short or easy journey, I might add) where do you go next? Once you’ve found your tribe of women who aren’t going to bring their offsring into every conversation, and aren’t going to spring a surprise pregnancy on your friendship, what do you talk about, when you don’t want to keep talking about “the thing?”

Pamela and I batted around some new ideas. She talked about her view of our meeting in a post today, and also put together a poll. Please take a moment and add your two cents.

When you don’t want to talk about “the thing” anymore, what do you want to talk about?

It Got Me Thinking…About Money

By Kathleen Guthrie

Wisegeek.com estimates the average family will spend $11,000 each year to raise a child from birth to high school graduation. Bankrate.com breaks out annual expenditures that include child care, a bigger car, a bigger home, plus $600 a year for education (a figure I know is laughable considering the costs of private schools in San Francisco). After taxes, not including the costs of a college education, Bankrate’s grand total is $190,528.

This is a ginormous amount of money.

$190,528 equals 19 cycling tours around Tuscany for me and my fiancé or 1,524 dinners at our favorite French bistro or 15,877 visits to the corner coffee shop for mochas and croissants.

Now I know $190,528 is not going to drop out of the heavens and into my bank account, but if I had kids, I would “find” that money. Wouldn’t you? I would work an extra job, streamline my holiday shopping list, cut back on nonessentials, become more diligent about investing. And this got me thinking about what I’m doing—or not doing—with my childfree money.

Instead of funding participation in the soccer league, I could be learning how to sail. Instead of supporting an 8th grade class trip to Washington DC over spring break, I could be planning my own off-season visit to the Smithsonian. Instead of covering room, board, tuition, and pizza, I could return to college for an advanced degree in art history or learn how to play the ukulele, make sushi, and become fluent in Italian.

Kind of fun to think about the possibilities, isn’t it?

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is learning to embrace her childfree status.

Love

Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope that love is in the air for you today.

By way of celebration, I thought I’d share a list of some of the things I love.

I love:

1.     Jose

2.     Felicity, my cat

3.     My mum

4.     My brothers and their families

5.     My amazing friends

6.     My garden

7.     Fresh picked vegetables

8.     The first spring bulbs

9.     Cadbury’s Dairy Milk Chocolate

10.  Cask Ale

11.  Small knitted things

12.  Clean sheets

13.  Chicken Tikka Masala

14.  Storybook Mountain Zinfandel

15.  Lavender

16.  Walks in the countryside

17.  Thunderstorms

18.  The Atlantic Ocean

19.  Laughter

20.  Fast internet service

21.  “Hello”

22.  Leonardo diCaprio

23.  Salty French Fries

24.  A good book

25.  Furry slippers

Please share some of your.

Friends in High Places, Low Places, Cold Places, and Warm Places

The worst thing about moving 400 miles to the northern part of my state is leaving all my LA friends behind. Through my husband’s job, I know three people up here, plus one good friend who is an hour’s drive away, so I’m working on making new friends.

Jose was traveling last week, so I spent much of the time alone, and frankly I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Then, on Monday, I received a copy of Lori’s new book in the mail. I read a couple of chapters and it made me laugh. On Tuesday I spoke of the phone with Lily, who was snowed under in Indiana. I’ve never met her, but we’ve become phone friends over the months.  Later in the week, I chatted by email to Monica and Sonja, and made plans to have coffee with Kathleen. I also finalized lunch plans with Pamela, something we’ve been trying to accomplish for months now.

I share one thing in common with all these women, and that is that we are childless, but beyond that I’ve discovered we have so much more in common and that these women have become my friends.

I know that many of us feel, or have felt, isolated in our childlessness, and that the web has enabled us to find our tribe. But beyond that commonality are the possibilities for friendships, and I encourage you to find those opportunities.

On the main members page, I’ve recently added a chat feature; the forums are always buzzing; and you can send messages to other members or say hello on their walls.  There are plenty of ways to make connections and hopefully to make some new friends.

Report in on friends you’ve made through this or other sites.

How Are You Celebrating Valentine’s Day?

How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day this year? Do you celebrate, or is it just another day you can’t get a seat in your favorite restaurant?

I had vowed to not be a holiday poop this year, but a friend moved their dinner party to this Saturday and mucked up my initial plans of a big Valentine’s get-together at our house. Now my dearly beloved is traveling on Monday, so my Plan B has taken a dive too.

Undeterred, I am planning to celebrate on Tuesday. I’d love to hear what you’re up to so I can steal all your best ideas and impress my lovey with my ingenuity. 🙂