Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Let’s Talk About Sex

A new reader, let’s call her Kerry, contacted me recently and had this to say:

“I’m in the coming-to-terms stage. Being 35 and on the crazy train for 5 years is enough for my husband and me.  I would like to hear from others about how to deal with (sigh…) loss of libido.  I assume I’m not the only one?  But I don’t know what to do about it, other than see a therapist, and I don’t really know how that will help anyway.  I used to have a sex drive like a MAN and TTC seems to have killed it almost completely.  This causes me much sadness, embarrassment and anger, and I have no idea how to fix my body’s refusal to enjoy sex!  I want to get back to enjoying my life, and this is a huge barrier.”

Let’s face it: having sex on-demand is like being force-fed chocolate. It sounds like a lot of fun at first, but it doesn’t take long for the novelty to wear off.

If you’ve been on the TTC (trying to conceive) merry-go-round, you know all about charting fertility and the mad scramble for the bedroom when that little line on the ovulation test stick shows up. After just a couple of months of failed attempts, it’s difficult to muster the enthusiasm to keep trying, especially as the success of the mission depends so much on both people being “in the mood” and even “in the moment.” Add to that the fact that the most intimate parts of your anatomy have been paraded before countless doctors, and the whole think quickly loses its allure.

From my own experience, I remember how sex became a frustrating chore and how quickly it stopped being about fun or even love. I also found that, once sex was associated with trying to conceive and all the emotional baggage that comes along with it, it was hard to separate the two again. But it’s possible.

I am no expert on the psychology of sex and libido, but I can speak from my own experience, so I will.

It does come back. It takes time and it’s part of the healing process. Once my husband and I got some distance from our experience and were truly on the road to moving on, we were able to focus on one another again, and the love that brought us together in the first place was still there. In fact, I think that the experience we went through together has brought us closer in many ways. We talked about it a lot (a LOT!!) and both agreed that, as awful as the infertility experience was, we were glad we went through it with each other, and not with someone else. In many ways, it has brought us closer and it helps to remember that.

As for getting the old libido back on track, pick up almost any women’s magazine and it will have an article on rekindling the passion – warm bath, candles, lingerie, toys. I think the trick is finding the thing that works for you. Warm baths and candles, for instance, are a sure way to put me to sleep. Here’s what does work for me. [Note to my husband: you should have stopped reading this post about five paragraphs ago. Sorry.] Commit to a minute. Just one minute. Even if you’re not in the mood, you can do anything for a minute. Agree that if it’s going nowhere after a minute, you’ll stop. Odds are, once you’re actually in the throes of intimacy, the rest will follow.

Ladies, what has been your experience in this department? Do you have any advice for Kerry? Please share it.

Healing Through Creativity

Just a quick reminder for anyone considering attending the Healing Through Creativity workshop next month. We have five spots still to be filled and the Early Bird Special price is good through May 31.

If you are thinking of attending but can’t yet make a commitment, please drop me a note through the Suggest a Topic link, just so I know you’re interested.

This first workshop is “Finding Your Identity After Infertility.” All the details can be found here.

More workshops are planned for later in the year, so stay tuned.

It Got Me Thinking…About Cravings

By Kathleen Guthrie

Chocolate, sushi, coffee, shellfish, swordfish, wine, deli meats, soft cheeses, cocktails, salad bars…conventional medical wisdom strongly recommends pregnant women cut out all these foods.

Fortunately, I’m not pregnant, and I have no plans to get pregnant. And because I am an adult of mostly sound mind, I can eat and drink anything I want. Therefore, I’d like to start with a lemon drop martini, a shrimp cocktail, and a side of raw chocolate chip cookie dough, please.

What are you craving today?

Kathleen Guthrie is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is trying to embrace being childfree.

Erin Go Braugh, Dr. Lynn!

In celebration of St. Patrick’s Day I thought I’d forego the green beer and pay homage to an incredible Irish woman.

Kathleen Florence Lynn was born in 1874 in Co. Mayo. She was a political activist, supporter of the women’s suffrage movement, and an accomplished doctor.

Dr. Lynn was one of the first women to graduate in medicine from the Royal University of Ireland and she was the first female resident at the Victoria Eye and Ear Hospital in Dublin. Sill, these qualifications didn’t protect her from discrimination because “she was not a man.”

Dr. Lynn joined the ranks of the Citizen Army and was Chief Medical Officer during the 1916 Easter Rising. When her Commanding Officer was shot, she, as next highest-ranking officer, was promoted to Captain. She was imprisoned for her role in the uprising.

While working with Dublin’s inner city poor, she realized the need to provide adequate medical and educational care for mothers and infants. At that time 164 out of every 1000 babies born in Dublin died from preventable diseases. In 1919 Dr. Lynn helped establish Saint Ultan’s Hospital ‘for the medical treatment of infants under one year of age.’ She thumbed her nose at the hospitals who had turned her down in the past by insisting that St. Ultan’s be staffed and managed entirely by women. During her time there she pioneered use of the BCG vaccine against tuberculosis more than a decade before it went into general use in Ireland.

Dr. Lynn devoted her “spare” time to children, too. She served as Vice President of Save the German Children, an organization that found homes in Ireland for evacuated children during the Second World War. It’s impossible to say how many children’s lives she helped to save during her career. And of course, she had no children of her own.

Dr. Lynn was definitely her own woman. It is reported that she turned down the use of the hospital’s chauffeur and enormous car, preferring to make her own way through the world by bicycle.

In acknowledgement of the role she played in the 1916 Rising and the Irish War of Independence, Dr. Kathleen Lynn was buried in 1955 with full military honors

Fast (Childfree) Meals For Busy People

Last Sunday’s San Francisco Chronicle Food and Wine section had a big feature article on “Good, fast meals for busy parents.”

Once I’d done grumbling (“Parents aren’t the only people who are busy,” and “Oh great, another mainstream publication excluding the childless and childfree”) I actually looked at the article.

A couple of the recipes were things I might actually try, but I must say, I don’t know too many kids who are going to willingly eat Pan-Seared Tofu & Kale Salad, or Sole with Cara Cara Orange, Avocado and Red Onion Salsa!

I was recently caught in the cross-fire of a couple of mom’s exchanging recipes to feed their little ones. I chimed in with my lemon chicken recipe. It’s quick, it’s healthy, and it’s really delicious.

So it got me thinking…we are all busy women and we all need to eat, and sometimes cook for someone else. So what do you like to cook? What’s your go-to recipe for fast, healthy, tasty, and edible?

I can’t now find my Lemon Chicken recipe, but it’s so easy it goes like this:

1. Take your chicken breasts, pound them, and cut into the size of tenders and soak them in lemon juice for an hour in the fridge.

2. Mix breadcrumbs (I like panko) with salt, pepper, and dried herbs, parsley and/or basil.

3. Dip your chicken into melted butter or olive oil, then into the breadcrumbs, and put them on a baking sheet.

4. Bake at 450 for about 20-25 mins.

Really easy, quick, and delish. J

Childless people eat healthier diets than parents

Here’s something to be happy about. According to a recent study by the University of Reading, we who are childless or childfree eat healthier than our parenting counterparts. On average, we eat about 2kg more fruits and vegetables over a fortnight, or translated into American English, more than 2lbs a week!

According to an article on Physorg.com:

The study revealed that the presence of children in a household leads to a lower level of demand for fruit and vegetables and meat, and an increased demand for milk and dairy, cereals and potatoes.

The study took place in the UK, so I would add pizza, mac and cheese, and spaghetti to that list for the U.S.

So, if you haven’t had your recommended 5-a-day today, the question is, why not?

Whiny Wednesday

I am SO glad it’s Wednesday today, because I am in need of a whine.

Last week I was a good human and voluntarily went to my doctor for a physical, fully expecting to be the specimen of perfect health. And largely I was, except that my blood sugar levels were high, not dangerously so, but higher than he liked to see.

“So,” he said, “You need to cut back on those carbs – bread, pasta, rice, desserts, alcohol. But don’t let this ruin your Christmas,” he added. “You can have a treat on Christmas Day.”

Don’t let it ruin your Christmas? Let’s see, I have Bailey’s in the cupboard – my favorite Christmas treat. I had been out that morning and bought everything I need to make little gingerbread muffins to give away (and maybe have one or two for myself.) I’d also planned and shopped for a week’s worth of healthy meals for this week and last night’s selection was – you guessed it – pasta.

So, last night I tossed out my chocolate advent calendar, ate my pasta, had a glass of Bailey’s and went to bed at 8:30 feeling sorry for myself. And today I’m whiny, because I know I Have to change my ways. I have to give up (or at least cut back) and my favorite things, and I just don’t want to. (But I will.)

Childless Women and Breast Cancer Risk

I went to my doctor for a check-up this week and the subject of breast exams came up. My doctor (he’s relatively new to me) asked me if I had children and when I told him I didn’t, he said, “Well having children and breastfeeding can help reduce the risk of breast cancer.” It was all I could do to say, “Well then, I’ll just get right on that!”

In my doctor’s defense, it was just a passing comment and not any kind of accusation that I was neglecting my health by not having children, but I couldn’t help but think that this was just another strike against childlessness. Regardless I decided it was my civic duty to research this and report back to you.

A Google search of “childless breast cancer” turned up more contradicting facts than a political sex scandal and starling little trustworthy information. I found this:

Women who had their first full-term pregnancy after age 30, and women who have never borne a child have a greater risk of developing breast cancer. During pregnancy, estrogen levels surge so high that there is a small immediate risk of breast cancer, but the long-term effect, particularly with breast-feeding, decreases risk.

Starting at about age 45, childless women are at an increased risk for breast cancer in comparison with women who have had children, with the risk being from 20 to 70 percent greater.

That’s a big increase in risk, but the source was a pharmaceutical company selling breast cancer preventative medicine, and I couldn’t find similar numbers elsewhere. I did discover that women over 5” 7” tall have a greater risk (two strikes against me) and this article that confirmed that childless women were at greater risk, as were women with more than five children, teenage mothers, and mothers with children closer than 18 months apart. So a tall teenage mother of five or more children under age 7 is basically up the creek.

I also found a blog post on the same subject from two years ago! The fact that this two-year-old post hit the front page of my search suggests that this topic isn’t getting a lot of love

If you happen to have these statistics, please share them, but the bottom line is this: There are so many conflicting risk factors; some us will get lucky and some of us won’t. All we can do is take care of ourselves and check those breasts ladies! I will confess to not being disciplined about doing regular self-exams. I do it when I remember, but not on any regular schedule. That ends this month. Here’s a useful link that offers e-mail reminders to do your monthly self-exam as well as instructions on how to do it.

The Ticking Clock

I always expected to have children. I never had a burning desire that had to be kept under control by my logical self; I just had an expectation that one day I’d have kids.

Then I hit 30.

All of a sudden, the desire kicked in and I started shaping my life in preparation for having a family of my own. Once I met my husband (I was around 32) that desire burst into flames, and when I first realized I wasn’t going to get pregnant on-demand, the fire started raging out of control.

Now the fire is out again. I still love children, still go starry eyed at babies, but that desire to reproduce has been snuffed out. I don’t miss it, but it does make me wonder how much of the ticking clock is hormonal and how much is mental. How did I go from being nonchalant about having children to being insane with desire to genuinely stamping out that desire? Did my hormones just run their course or was it the act of convincing myself to give it up that brought the change? I’m leaning towards the latter, but it was the former that started it in the first place.

How about you? Did your clock ever start ticking or has it been ticking for years and won’t shut up? Is the desire to reproduce purely hormonal or do we control the desire. I’m interested to know how it felt for you and how you feel now.

Time to Lose My “Baby” Fat

This morning I got up at 5:20 and left the house in the dark and the cold to go to a Beach Bootcamp. I spent an hour running in the sand, pulling a weighted sled, doing push-ups, sit-ups, planks, and squat thrusts. My heart thudded, my chest burned, and my legs screamed. But it felt great.

Once upon a time I was in good shape. I ran marathons, did triathlons, climbed mountains, and rode my bike. Then I decided I wanted to be a mother and the whole thing fell apart. As I tried to get pregnant, taking care of my body meant not pushing it too hard, not asking it to do anything dangerous, and not putting it under any stress. Over the course of five years I accumulated baby fat without accumulating a baby.

It’s been almost two years now since I got off the crazy train and started learning to accept my childfree life, but I feel as if I’ve lost so much ground, physically. I look at some of my friends who are older than me and see that physical fitness has very little to do with age. I am now out of excuses.

So I’m back. I’m going to whip myself into shape and lose that baby fat!

Are you taking care of yourself? If not, get a jump-start on your New Year’s Resolutions and join me. Oh, and please check in on me once in a while, would you, in case I forget all this fighting talk.