Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Memorials and Milestones

By Lisa Manterfield

It’s Memorial Day here in the U.S., another excuse to barbecue, but traditionally a time to remember members of the armed forces who gave their lives.

Last year, Mr. Fab asked that we go to the cemeteries where his relatives are buried. One of those cemeteries is also the place I had my big epiphany when I realized I was never going to have children. I hadn’t been back there since that day, now several years ago, and I knew it would be a loaded place for me, but it was time.

I went and I remembered. I gave myself permission to feel whatever I felt. I felt quiet and I felt sad. I took some time to just sit and look at the spot where I finally acknowledged I would never be a mother. I didn’t cry and I didn’t feel as if going there pushed me back into my sadness. I realized I was doing okay.

It’s important to remember where we’ve been, to acknowledge what’s been lost. It makes us who we are today, for better and for worse.Going back there marked another milestone on my road to recovery and each one gets a little easier

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On the topic of milestones, this site passed its own milestone recently. We now have over 2,500 members in the private community. If you’re not yet a member, I encourage you to join. That part of the site is password-protected, so you can chat freely and safely on the forums. There are always great conversations happening and it’s a good place to find support when you need it.  It doesn’t cost anything to become a member and you can sign up here.

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You may have noticed a new Books page in the navigation bar. On this page you’ll now find all the Life Without Baby books, as well as all the books recommended by other readers.

If you happen to have read my books, and if you found them helpful, I’d be most grateful if you would take a minute to leave a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or wherever you happened to pick up a copy. It really helps me in a couple of ways: 1) It makes me feel good, 2) It helps other people to find the books when they search this topic, and 3) It enables me to keep this site funded (because there is some cost involved in keeping it free of baby product ads, spam, and internet trolls) and it moves Mr. Fab one tiny step closer to retirement, for which he will be most grateful. 🙂

Our Stories: Lisa

As told to Lisa Manterfield

Our StoriesWhen Lisa Stigliano’s identical twin sister became pregnant within a few months of trying, Lisa was genuinely happy for her, but it also made her realize her own struggles to conceive were more complex than “being a little older.” Read on to learn how Lisa found her way into a new chapter of her life and a new career.

LWB: Briefly describe your dream of motherhood:

Lisa Stigliano: I was always a goal-oriented, ambitious, hardworking person. Being raised by a single mother with little money made me want to create a better life for myself and my family.

LWB: Are you childfree by choice, chance, or circumstance? Please explain briefly.

Lisa S: About 10 years ago, like many other newlywed couples, my husband and I purchased our first home and were excited to start our family. I was 36 years old and time was of the essence.

After about a year of trying with no positive pregnancy tests, I consulted my OB/GYN, who suggested we keep trying, as it takes longer the older we get. After another year, we saw a fertility specialist who found polyps on my uterus that could be interfering with implantation. We waited a few months after the surgery for everything to heal and begin trying again. About six months later, we opted for Intrauterine insemination, which was also unsuccessful.

And then it happened. A positive pregnancy test. Oh no, not mine. My twin sister got pregnant naturally after trying for a few months. It opened my eyes to how serious our infertility struggle really was.

At this point we decided to try IVF. I was approaching my 40th birthday, my FSH [follicle-stimulating hormone] level was high, so the fertility clinic recommended donor eggs. This is when it truly hit, and I sank into a deep depression. So you are telling me that my eggs are too old to produce a baby but my twin sister’s are not? We are identical twins with similar lifestyles—no alcohol, nonsmoker, loved to exercise, etc.

This is when I came across a Naturopath doctor on my local news segment who specialized in women’s issues, and I knew I needed to do something fast. She introduced me to holistic ways to improve my fertility. And with her help and my new holistic lifestyle, I was able to lower my FSH level to an acceptable level for IVF. I was beyond thrilled. Like I won the jackpot or something.

Little did I know how grueling the next year would be. While my sister was preparing for her bundle of joy, I was in and out of fertility clinics.

LWB: What was the turning point for you?

Lisa S: After four unsuccessful IVFs through two different fertility doctors, I was emotionally and physically done. I decided I couldn’t take the treatments anymore. I had become so far from the woman I used to be, always crabby, depressed, and not fun to be around.

My husband was super supportive about stopping and even suggested looking into adoption. Then my father was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension and put on oxygen therapy. About six months later, he passed at the age of 61.

I was done with everything—the baby that may or may not come, the crying, the depression—and decided to focus on what I could control.

I allowed myself to grieve the loss and come to the acceptance that it may never happen. This was not easy, but I knew it was necessary in order to move on and become the best version of myself.

LWB: Where are you on your journey now?

Lisa S: When I was ready, I started to make new goals. I enrolled in the Institute of Integrative Nutrition to pursue my interest in holistic nutrition. I loved the ways I could support my body naturally without the need for prescription drugs. I went on to start my own company, Keeping Fit After 40, where we support women in midlife with holistic lifestyles. I recently published my first book, Let’s Celebrate Midlife, and I am active with rescuing stray and abandoned cats.

LWB: What do you look forward to now?

Lisa S: Everyday I try to be the best aunt to my six-year-old nephew, who I love more than anything. And yes, I spoil him and he loves it.

LWB: What have you learned about yourself?

Lisa S: I could never have made it through this transformation in my life had I not gone through the stages [including letting go, grieving, making peace, and moving on] that Lisa talks about in her book, Life Without Baby: Surviving and Thriving When Motherhood Doesn’t Happen. It has been a long journey, but one that was so worth it. I learned a lot about myself along the way, and I want to encourage other women that there is hope for living an amazing life without children. We don’t know what will happen in our lives, but I truly believe that there is still a life for us out there, baby or not.

Lisa Stigliano is a Certified International Health Coach. Her company is Keeping Fit after 40, which helps women over 40 transition naturally to midlife. She lives in New York with her husband.

Preparing for Mother’s Day

By Lisa Manterfield

holding handsLet’s just say it: Mother’s Day is the nuclear bomb of holidays when you don’t have children. It’s a day of brunches, church services, and flowers, when shops, offices, restaurants, and even our social media feeds are filled with celebrations of moms and all things motherhood. To top it all, this holiday has somehow escaped the political correctness cleanup that other holidays have undergone, so while many people are hesitant these days to wish someone a Merry Christmas, lest they offend, no one seems to have any qualms about wishing everyone a Happy Mother’s Day.

It took me a long time to be able to face Mother’s Day, but the last couple of years I’ve done something fun for myself on that weekend. A couple of years ago I planned a trapeze class and this year I’m running a half marathon at Disneyland. Each year, I’m able to note that the day bothers me less and less, and I use it to mark my own progress. I know that many of you aren’t there yet, and from past experience I know that it pays to face the day prepared.

If you plan to venture out over Mother’s Day weekend, be ready for almost everyone to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. This includes friends, neighbors, sales assistants, parking attendants, and even complete strangers. Prepare your arsenal of stock replies and be ready to respond, so you don’t find yourself caught unawares and having to explain why you’re standing in the middle of the street in tears, yelling “It’s not a happy day at all!” to an unsuspecting stranger.  My standard response is to say “Thank you. You too” and move on as quickly as possible.

Once you’re aware of the inevitable challenges the day can bring, it’s good to make a plan to keep yourself protected. If you know you’re not going to be able to make it through the day with your emotions intact, stay at home or make plans to go somewhere away from the biggest challenge spots. If you’re expected to attend a big family gathering, consider if you could take a pass, just this year. Even if the next Mother’s Day is months from now, take a few minutes to jot down the challenges you might face and come up with a plan. How will you spend the day? How will you honor your own mother? And how will you deal with the challenges you can’t avoid?

The Loneliness of Infertility: How to Start Asking for Support

By Lisa Manterfield

startasking-for-supportI never knew how lonely dealing with infertility would be. Even though I was recently married to a man I loved, worked with a group of people I considered friends, and had an active social life, I felt as as if I was dealing with infertility completely alone.

I found it hard to talk about what I was going through, even with my closest friends. I was angry and confused. I struggled to find the right questions to ask my doctors, let alone try to explain what was happening to me to someone who’d never experienced it. I felt so vulnerable and not at all in control of any aspect of my life, especially my emotions. I was afraid if I ever did open up to a friend, I might unleash a maelstrom of anger and grief. So, I put on a brave face and did my best to act as if everything was okay. The more I needed the comfort and support of an understanding friend, the more I pulled into myself and away from any risk of intimacy.

Eventually, of course, my grief found a small crack and pushed its way out. And once it had found a weak spot in my armor, it tore it open in the form of a humiliating public meltdown. Fortunately, a friend witnessed this and, as I no longer had anything to hide, it opened up a conversation between us. At last, I was able to talk frankly about the details of my experience and the fears, frustrations, and sadness that came along with it. Once I’d broken open, I wished I’d done it sooner.

2016-bloggers-unite-badgeThis week is National Infertility Awareness Week (#NIAW) and this year’s theme is #StartAsking. So I want to encourage you to start asking for help, to find someone to confide in, and to stop trying to battle through this alone.

I know that most of us would rather walk over hot coals than ask for help. Better to have scorched and blistered feet than to permit vulnerability and open ourselves up to pity, or ignorance, or worst of all…unsolicited advice! But having just one understanding person you can trust can make an enormous difference.

Before you go seeking an empathetic ear, it’s important to understand yourself and what kind of help you really want. Do you need someone who’ll sit and listen while you talk and talk and talk? Do you need someone with whom you can share intimate details of procedures and tests? Do you need to confide one single detail that you’ve never told anyone else? Do you need someone who’ll hug you while you cry your eyes out, or someone who’ll join you for a quiet walk to talk about absolutely any other topic but infertility?

The Life Without Baby book has an entire chapter dedicated to finding support, and one exercise that people find helpful is to write a letter to an imaginary ideal friend, telling her exactly what you’d like from her. Tell her the kind of scenario you envision where you feel comfortable opening up, and then detail the response you’d like from her. Include as many specifics as you can. If you absolutely don’t want to hear a miracle baby story or advice like “Have you considered donor eggs/adoption/squirrel toenail tea?” write that down. If you need her to simply listen and say “I’m so sorry you’re going through this”, tell her. Once you know what you need in terms of support, then you can start to find the person to ask for it.

If you’re like me, you probably have people in your life who each bring a different strength to your relationship. In my case, Friend A gives sisterly advice; B asks difficult, but thought-provoking questions and doesn’t flinch at honest responses; C will listen quietly and give a thoughtful response, and D will burst into tears, hug me, and lament how terrible things must be for me (which can sometimes be exactly what I need.) Who among your friends, family, and even acquaintances could offer the kind of support you need? Keep in mind that our dearest friends and family members are oftentimes too invested in our happiness to be able to offer the support we need. You might find that a trusted colleague, a more distant relative, or even a less intimate contact, such as hairdresser or religious counsellor, might be the perfect person to talk to. And if you truly can’t find anyone, please consider seeking professional help.

As hard as it is to open yourself up to talking about this, it’s even harder to struggle along alone, so please, please, please, start asking for help.

#NIAW #StartAsking

Whiny Wednesday: People Who Won’t Let You Quit the Quest for Motherhood

Whiny_WednesdayMost people in my life were supportive when I told them about my decision to end my quest for motherhood. But a couple didn’t want me to quit. They kept offering unsolicited advice and stories of other people’s miracles, when what I really needed from them was a kind and understanding word.

So this week’s whine topic is:

People who won’t let you quit

Happy whining!

Living the Life Unexpected: A Conversation with Jody Day

By Lisa Manterfield

Jody Day - Credit: Simon Fairclough

Jody Day – Credit: Simon Fairclough

Early in her new book, Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children, Jody Day writes, “Having children is not a free pass to a happy life. If we look at the lives of mothers without envy and listen them without prejudice, we know this to be true. They suffer too and sometimes their children are the very source of that suffering.” It’s a refreshing point of view.

Reading through Jody’s book, is like sitting down with that one friend you can always trust to speak frankly. What comes across in her words is an understanding that, yes, this hurts…a lot, and yes, all the feelings of anger, sadness, and hopelessness are real and normal, but you cannot allow this experience to take over your entire life for the rest of your life. And while Jody offers plenty of gentle support and practical exercises to work through the hard stuff, I walked away with an overall feeling of empowerment.

Cover living-the-life-unexpected-978150980903501Jody opens the book with a Plan B Healing Inventory, a list of questions about your current state of mind, such as “How often do you blame others for your situation?” and “How often do do you really laugh?”  These questions help get a sense of where you are now, but are also a means to measure your progress. Often improvement is incremental and you don’t realize how far you’ve come until you hit a big milestone, such as being around children or making a big plan for your future. It’s very helpful to take this kind of inventory to remind yourself, especially on the tough days, how far you’ve come.

In this new and expanded edition of her earlier book (previously titled: Rocking the Life Unexpected) Jody includes case studies of eight women who’ve found themselves unexpectedly childless for a broad range of reasons. As we know from the stories shared on this site, hearing from someone who’s walked a similar path to you can be a powerful tool in the healing journey.

Throughout this book, Jody is a beacon, showing you the way to move forward and build the life you want. Much of what she encourages is about changing your shifting your perspective from what’s lost to what is.  She talks about “liberating yourself from the opinions of others” and letting go of some of the assumptions we’ve been fed about the wonders of motherhood.

I had a few questions for Jody about her work. Here’s what she had to say:

Life Without Baby: In this new edition of the book, you’ve added case studies. What have you learned about the power of both telling your story and of hearing the stories of others?

Jody Day: When I started the Gateway Women blog in 2011, it was the beginning of me sharing my story with others. That first woman who wrote a comment saying “me too” was a moment that will stay with me forever. Knowing that I was not alone in struggling with my childlessness was extremely validating – finally!  Over time, as I started to meet other childless women in person, I realised too that the ‘story’ society tells of us – that we are broken, damaged, pathetic weirdoes – began to seem more and more ridiculous! And with each ‘other’ woman I realised that about, I also let go of a bit more of my own subconscious beliefs that my childlessness meant I was defective in some way. I now understand why sharing our stories is one of the oldest form of healing and I wanted to find a way for readers of the new edition to have an experience of that.

LWB: A real sense of resilience comes through in your writing. In several sections it’s clear you have an attitude of not rolling over and letting this take over your life. I’m guessing that attitude was hard-won. Can you talk about what changed for you?

JD: Recovering from childlessness is the hardest thing I’ve ever done – and I hadn’t had an easy ride before that so I wasn’t new to coping with incredibly hard things – my resilience comes from coping with an unstable childhood, chronic illnesses, living with mental illness and addiction within my family, as well as losing my marriage to my husband’s addiction issues. Yet I’d been able to learn from all of these difficulties and pick myself up again. But childlessness? No.

There was a period during the worst of it when I really didn’t know if I had the strength to carry on with the rest of my life feeling this awful. But I didn’t know it was grief. Once I found out it was, it was the missing piece of the puzzle as to why this loss, this trauma, was so much harder than the others. To this day, I still cannot believe how none of the therapeutic and medical professionals I consulted mentioned that I might be grieving… the grief of childlessness is still so little understood by those who haven’t experienced it. I feel so grateful that as part of my training to be a psychotherapist we looked at bereavement and I had that ‘aha’ moment that grief was what I was dealing with.

LWB: Your discussion about a “shadow life” really struck a chord with me. Can you share what you mean and how you finally recognized that in yourself?

JD: It was one of the very first things I realised, on the day that I accepted (cognitively!) that I would never be a mother, because I had an extraordinary experience of feeling in my body the two versions of myself – my real life and my shadow life – and feeling them merge. It was a powerful energetic experience. I guess my ‘shadow mother’ went ‘pouf’ in that moment and I realised that for the last 15 years I’d been spending a lot of my life in la-la land, psychologically ‘nesting’, long after it was wise or healthy or helpful…  I guess it’s probably a very natural part of planning to start a family – thinking all of the aspects of your life through in terms of how to organise it best for the coming child – but because I carried on hoping/fantasizing long after it would have been logical to have given up, my shadow mother became a rather toxic fantasy that stopped me facing reality.  Once she was gone, grief came roaring in, so it was definitely being fuelled by denial.

 

Jody Day is a British author, social entrepreneur, trainee integrative psychotherapist and the founder of Gateway Women, the global friendship and support network for childless women. Learn more at: Gateway-Women.com

Information on where to purchase Living the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfilling Future Without Children, click here.

Whiny Wednesday: Too Young for Menopause

Whiny_WednesdayOver the past couple of years I’ve been “enjoying” a journey into menopause. Yeah, it’s a hoot. All the symptoms of PMS, plus fuzzy head, weight gain, night sweats, the works.

I’ve been prescribed HRT and I’ve been reaching out to older friends for advice, because there’s a lot about this I don’t know. Most of my friends have gladly offered support, however one woman (a friend of a friend) looked at me and said, “Menopause? You’re too young for that.”

I assured her I was not, and left the conversation, but really, is that a helpful thing to say? Yes, I know I’m too young for menopause. Add it to the list of things my body’s given up before its time. And then ask me how I feel about the possibility the rest of me might be aging faster than it should too. Does this ever end?

As you may have guessed, it’s Whiny Wednesday. I feel better for my venting. Hope you feel better for yours.

I’m Back from the Life Without Baby Blog Tour!

Life Without Baby_Front_book 3DI’m back from my blog tour and what a wild couple of weeks it’s been, despite rarely leaving my desk!

Even though it was a lot of work to coordinate the tour and write ten posts (!) it was so worth it. I got to chat by email and skype with some of my favorite bloggers, in some cases women I’ve never spoken to beyond the comments section here. We got to know one another on a more personal level and marveled at how far we’ve each come in making peace with our childlessness. I felt, more than ever, a real sense of community and of having a sisterhood of women who completely understand me.

I also got to interact with some of you in a different space, on someone else’s blog. Seeing you there felt like arriving at a foreign airport and seeing a friend waiting with a bunch of flowers. Thank you to everyone who made the tour with me.

If you missed the tour bus, here is a round-up of my travels and all the blogs I visited. I hope you’ll take a little time and hop over to support these wonderful and generous bloggers.

Michelle Marie McGrath’s Unclassified Woman, where we talked about legacy and the myths surrounding childlessness

Loribeth’s The Road Less Travelled, on the topic of embracing possibility

Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos at Silent Sorority, where I answered questions about how far we’ve come

Catherine-Emmanuelle Delisle at Femmes Sans Enfant shared a video of a live story performance I did at Expressing Motherhood a couple of years ago

Justine Brooks Froelker of Ever Upward had questions about what prompted me to write a new Life Without Baby book

Lesley Pyne, on the subject of knowing when it’s time to let go of the dream of motherhood

Sue Fagalde Lick at Childless-by-Marriage, where I wrote about aging without children

Mali at No Kidding in NZ, on the topic of claiming your right to grieve

At French-language site, Bamp.fr, I talked about the benefits of writing through infertility and loss

I’ve also received some great early reviews for the book Here are a couple of snippets:

“As soon as I started reading ‘surviving & thriving… ‘ I felt that Lisa was right there with me, leading me gently by the hand and giving me permission to feel anything. She acknowledges how messy it will be, gives practical ways to get through, and lots of assurance that it will get better. For me, the grief section is particularly helpful; it’s the first time I’ve seen childless grief described in such an empathic and compassionate way.” ~Lesley Pyne, Coach

“I wish Manterfield’s book had been available a decade ago.  It would have been a valuable lifeline, a tremendous support at a time there was nothing available for women lost in a maze of fertility treatment promises and murky what ifs, uncertain about how to find balance and a path forward.” ~ Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority

“Page by page, Lisa holds your hand with gentle, unflinching support, openly sharing her story with you, and giving you permission, guidance, and gentle queries that help in your journey of healing. I only wish that when people called their reproductive endocrinologist’s office to tell them that they were “drawing a line in the sand” that the doctor was honor bound by the Hippocratic oath to send their patients a copy of this wonderful guidebook.” Tracey Cleantis, author of The Next Happy

I am extremely appreciative of these kind and generous words. If you’ve ever bought a book online, you’ll know how influential good reviews can be. If you do happen to pick up a copy of Life Without Baby and find it helpful, I would be thrilled if you’d consider posting a review on Amazon. Goodreads, or other bookseller sites. It would mean a lot to me.

So, now I’m back, normal programming will resume. There’ll be a Whiny Wednesday post this week and Kathleen will be back on Friday with her It Got Me Thinking…column.

Writing My Way Through Infertility

typewriterToday is the final stop on my blog tour and I’m very pleased to take you to France to visit Bamp.fr.

Bamp.fr is a collective of infertility bloggers who have been making some giant strides forward for the infertility community in France. They launched an infertility awareness week and recently lobbied for paid time off for infertility-related appointments, such as tests and procedures.

My post today is about writing through infertility and how sharing my story helped me to heal. My piece appears in both English and French and was translated with the generous help of Life Without Baby reader, Lara. You can read my post—Writing My Way Through Infertility—here.

Bamp.fr would really like to expand their reach to women who have come to the end of their infertility paths and are looking for the kind of support and community we offer here. If you happen to speak French and would like to write on the topic of living childless-not-by-choice, please get in touch as they would love to have more voices speaking out.

*A note: Many of the articles on Bamp.fr are aimed at women still trying to conceive and some of you may find this triggering. Most articles are in French, however one or two have been translated to English.

Claiming Your Right to Grieve

Self-compassionDealing with grief is a topic I find myself talking about again and again. It’s one of the most overlooked and misunderstood aspects of coming to terms with a life without children. It’s such a critical part of healing that I devoted four entire chapters to it in my new book.
Today, I’m paying a virtual visit to Mali at No Kidding in NZ to talk about this topic of giving ourselves permission to grieve in our own way. Mali has been a long time supporter of Life Without Baby and you’ve no doubt already met her in the comments section.

During our e-mail exchanges, we talked about the grieving process and how our experiences have made us more compassionate to other people who have suffered losses. I suppose it’s one of the silver linings to this story.

You can find my post on Mali’s blog today (which is really tomorrow in New Zealand). Please drop in and say hi to her. I know she’d love to hear from you on her turf, so to speak.