Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Octomom and Peta: Promoting population control

I’ve already been caught by an April Fools’ prank today, so I carefully checked the dates on this news before sharing it.

In an effort to ease her numerous financial woes, “Octomom” Nadya Suleman has accepted an offer from PETA to place a sign promoting neutering and spaying on her front lawn in exchange for $5000 and month’s supply of veggie dogs (which is a 6-month supply for your average 2.4 kids family, so a lot of dogs.)

The sign will read: “Don’t let your dog or cat become an “Octomom.”

This is one of those “don’t get me started” moments, so I will let the Los Angeles Times article speak for itself, and leave you, dear readers, to make of this what you will.

Top 10 Best Things About Not Having Children

Every week I’ll be posting a Top Ten list, sometimes based on member polls, sometimes my own Top Ten, and sometimes a Letterman-like silly Top Ten, just for fun.

This week, I’m posting my Top 10 best things about not having children. Please hop over to the forums and add your own.

Top 10 best things about not having children:

10. Being able to fit the weekly groceries into two bags as opposed to two grocery carts.

9. Going to bed at 10:00 p.m. and sleep like the dead until morning, without anyone saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, there’s a monster under my bed.”

8. Not being able to name one single character from High School Musical, Cars, or Blue’s Clues.

7. Being able to have sex in my own bed without the risk of having to explain to anyone why daddy is giving mommy a funny massage.

6. Having a purse that contains only a cell phone, wallet and Chapstick—no snacks, wet wipes, scissors, diapers, Band-Aids, action figures, pacifiers, or half chewed candies.

5. Having an urge on Saturday night to go to some experimental theatre in LA and not having to worry about finding a babysitter, or rushing home because of a sudden fever.

4. Two weeks away from my 40th birthday and having only one grey hair.

3. Having a lifelong dream of hiking to Mt. Everest Base Camp and knowing that it still has a chance of coming true

2. Understanding that cheese, olives, and a really good bottle of Sauvignon Blanc is a perfectly acceptable dinner

1. Not having to worry about sending a human being out into the world and worrying if they’ll come back in one piece, or if they’ll grow up to be a serial killer, because genes only go so far. 

What’s your top ten? Tell us.

Dear Prudence: Mind your own business

After my gripe on this week’s Whiny Wednesday, I came across this post on the excellent Childless By Choice Project blog. It chronicled the backlash of criticism after Slate’s Dear Prudence suggested to a newly married couple that they rethink their decision to not have chidren rather than suggesting how to deal with the people who keep hounding them about their choice.

Say what?

When I recently told my OB/GYN that we had decided not to pursue fertility treatments and to remain childless instead, she told me that it wasn’t too late for me and that her friend had just had a baby at 45. Do people really not hear us when we tell them about the decisions we’ve agonized over? Do they not give us credit for having weighed the options and made the right decision for us, not them, not the future of the human race?

One reader, who has three children said:

Having said all that, people should (or should not) have children because it’s what they want to do, not because of the expectations of others.

People who choose not to have children have just as much right to that choice and the right not to be harassed by anyone, including parents and grandparents.

Amen! But another reader had this to say:

We are past that age where people are expecting us to have children. However, we still get people who think we will regret our decision, so at any age the decision to remain childfree is challenged or not seen as viable.

If we can’t change people’s point-of-view, or their need to express their opinions on how we choose to live our lives, maybe all we can do is go out into the world armed with an arsenal of snarky comebacks. It’s just a suggestion.

Whiny Wednesday

Why is that people have no problem asking, “So, why don’t you have kids,” or “How come you don’t like children?” or “Don’t you think not having kids is selfish?”

Imagine if mothers were asked the inverse. “So, why do you have kids?” “How come you like children?” or “Don’t you think having kids is selfish?”

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s your gripe?

Choices

“Well, you didn’t exactly choose not to have children, did you?”

While no one has actually said this to me yet, I know it’s just a matter of time. As you’re probably well aware, when it comes to the subject of motherhood, and especially non-motherhood, people are generally vocal about their opinions and not always tactful.

In one respect those people would be right. Having children was always my plan for as long as I can remember, but in my teens I chose not to have children by practicing the safe sex tactics that had been drilled into me by sex education programs, friends’ dire warnings, and starling stories in teen magazines—that and a healthy smattering of blind dumb luck. In my 20s I chose a career over motherhood; there was a great big world and a great big me to explore before I settled down into the role of mother. In my 30s I was ready, but a suitable mate wasn’t available and I didn’t have the means or the guts to do it alone. Finally, in my mid 30s, I met Mr. Fabulous and set out to become a mother. But Mother Nature had other plans for me and I apparently wasn’t meant to have a child easily or naturally. So in that respect, it wasn’t that I didn’t choose motherhood, more that motherhood didn’t choose me. But as I once read in one of the many books about trying to conceive, “there’s no such thing as infertility,” and I think that’s true for the majority of women. With enough medical intervention, sufficient high-powered drugs, enough attempts, and sufficient money to do them all, motherhood is an option for almost every woman.

But here’s where I made my choice. I chose not to pump my body full of drugs; I chose not to hire someone to produce a baby for me; and most of all, I chose not to sacrifice my marriage for the sake of an endless quest for motherhood. I made a choice and I’m living, quite happily, with that decision

What choice did you make? Leave a comment or join in on a forum and let us know what you think?

Mission Statement

We Can Do ItThe mission of this site is:

To fill the silent space that exists in the motherhood discussion.
To be a voice for women who are struggling with infertility or who do not have children, whether by choice or circumstance.
To shine a light on the business of baby-making and to turn a mirror onto the craziness of baby mania.
To be a champion for the right of women to choose not to become mothers.

I hope you’ll join me. We can do it!