Life Without Baby

filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

When Your Family Doesn’t Get It

ball-15532_640The holidays are probably the hardest time of year for those of us without children, second only to Mother’s Day. And this was brought home to me with great clarity when a friend called me last week, practically in tears.

She is one of four sisters, and in the past, her family’s tradition has been to gather on Christmas Eve so that the two sisters with children could spend Christmas Day at home with just their immediate families. This year, the third sister has a baby and it’s her turn to host. She’s decided that she’d like to change the tradition and gather on the 25th instead so that “all the kids can spend Christmas Day together.” All the sisters—and the parents—agreed this would be great fun. All except my friend. She didn’t agree because she didn’t know and, in fact, only found out because her niece mentioned it.

It wasn’t that she and her husband were deliberately excluded from the plans—they weren’t considered at all, weren’t even included in any of the discussions or planning—and my friend feels triply hurt by this. She feels that she’s not important in her family because she doesn’t have children {and her family has proven that to be true}, and she feels slighted because her sister (who was also childless for many years and ought to know better) has given no consideration to how all this makes my friend feel even more rejected.

The final dig is that my friend now can’t spend Christmas with her family at all, because she’s already made plans (per the tradition) to spend Christmas Day with her in-laws.  What makes this all even harder was that when my friend called me, she was on her way to watch her nephew’s basketball game. She’s the kind of auntie who goes out of her way to make sure she’s involved in the lives of her sisters’ kids, but it’s clear to her that her sisters don’t see her as part of the “real” family.

This year is the third holiday season for Life Without Baby and I know from your posts and comments over the years that this story isn’t rare at all. How about you? Do you feel your family treats you differently because you don’t have children?

It Got Me Thinking…About Turning Wounds into Wisdom

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

“If you want to improve your basketball game, teach someone else the basics.”

“If you want more love in your life, first love others.”

Guides to life such as these always inspire me. So simple, so true. Give, and you will receive, they remind me.

Recently I heard a new one that struck a deep chord: “Turn your wounds into wisdom.”

It made me think about the surprise benefit I got when I started writing these blog posts. Shortly into the process of sharing my story, I realized I was writing what I needed to read. And then, as all of you joined in and added your stories, I realized I was not alone, and I learned from and took comfort in what you shared.

That cycle continues as new LWBers open their hearts, share their wounds, and gain wisdom from those of us further along the path toward acceptance of our childfree lives. What a beautiful experience!

If you’re new to Life Without Baby, welcome! We’re glad you found us! If you’ve been here for a while, thank you for giving of yourself. I hope you all find encouragement, support, and the wise words that will help you heal.

 

Just in time for the not always happy holidays, we’ve released Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree. Get your copy here.

Tough Love

beauty girl cryA number of years ago I got out of a long relationship. At the time I was also between jobs and my car had just passed 300,000 miles and was hinting that it didn’t want to do too many more. It was definitely a dark period in my life.

When I left the relationship, my friend offered me her couch and her daughter’s bed on the weeks her kids were with their dad. Here’s what she told me:

“You can stay here as long as you need and for the next two weeks you can do whatever you need to do. You can stay in bed all day, eat pizza, drink wine, not shower, and never change out of your PJs. You can sob into your pillow all night and sleep all day, if that’s what you need to do. 

“But you have two weeks, and after that, you have to get up, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and figure out how you’re going to start putting your life back together.” 

At the time I thought she was being unreasonable, expecting me to get over this in two weeks. But that wasn’t what she was saying, and as it turned out, she did me a huge favor.

I did stay in bed and feel sorry for myself for much of those two weeks. But then I got up, found myself a crappy job (Telemarketing! It was the pits) that got me out of the house, earning a bit of money, and on the road to finding a less crappy job, and a place to live, and eventually, making me desirable enough to find a new relationship.

My friend’s tough love changed my philosophy about grief and I’ve shared it with other people since. If you’re in a place now where you feel as if you’re never going to get over not being able to have children, that your life is going to be the pits from this point forward, give yourself some time. You might not be able to stay in bed for two weeks, but can you clear your calendar of non-essential obligations? Can you line up movies or books and just give yourself permission to feel sorry for yourself? Can you make some time and space to just feel bad and to grieve?

If so, do it. But put a big circle on your calendar for two weeks from now, or however long you can take, and that’s the day you have to get up and figure out how you’re going to start making peace with this.

Look around the site and find some tips and support, buy a book on loss and grief and read it, make a plan for the future that’s something you’ve always wanted to do. Take a small step, just one, and start the process.

It’s going to take a lot longer than two weeks to “get over” this, but you have to start somewhere and you have to start sometime.

If you’re looking for some solace and an understanding voice, I hope you’ve had chance to check out the Holiday Companion. It’s available from this site as both a full-color and printable PDF, and now also available as an ebook on Amazon.

It Got Me Thinking…About Prepping the Feast

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

There’s something about preparing a meal together that opens people up. You catch up on each other’s day, you share memories, you think about the person who first taught you how to level a measuring cup, test a strand of spaghetti, or chop onions without chopping off a finger. All those little moments come together in an emotional vortex when you’re sharing counter space with generations of loved ones and preparing a feast for a holiday meal.

I love the presents, decorations, music, and traditions of the holiday season as much as anyone, but what I miss the most as a childfree woman is the kitchen fun. As a family of two (and as a family of one until my early 40s), we don’t need six side dishes, two gravies, and a trio of pies. Even if we’re invited to join other family members or friends, I may be asked to bring an item, but I probably won’t be invited to spend the day in the kitchen.

Some women complain about the hours, if not days, spent shopping and preparing for an elaborate meal that will be gulfed down during halftime. I’m not one of them. I’d love to be included. I’d love to—even if it was just for that one day—feel like I was part of a big family again.

 

Just in time for the not always happy holidays, Lisa Manterfield and Kathleen Guthrie Woods have released Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree. Order your copy here.

The Holiday Companion is Here!

Cover Final HiIt’s here!

The Life Without Baby Holiday Companion is now available—just in time to get you through the not-always-jolly holidays!

We know from personal experiences—and from stories shared by the wonderful readers of this site—that the holiday season can be especially painful when you wanted children but didn’t get to have them.

So we put together a collection of humorous, healing, and thought-provoking posts and tips, including “All I Want for Christmas is Wa,” “Baby Chitchat,” “Holiday Survival 101,” and “Top 10 Benefits of Childfree Holidays.”

As a member of the Life Without Baby community, you get to preview Holiday Companion before the ebook is released to the world on Amazon next week. PLUS, when you order your copy here, you’ll receive both the full-color PDF and a black and white printable version.

Our hope is that this book will give you inspiration and encouragement as you make your way to a happier new year and a happier new you.

Cheers!

Lisa & Kathleen

Making Peace With Other People’s Children

peaceI love children again. I find myself cooing at babies, talking to little kids in restaurants, and enjoying interacting with other people’s children. Hurray! I’m back!

It wasn’t always this way. When it first became apparent that children weren’t going to be in my future, I went through a period of not liking other people’s children at all. I didn’t appreciate the joy of children—in fact the sound of children’s laughter didn’t make me smile; it about ripped my heart out. I didn’t want to interact with children and so I made a point of avoiding places where children congregate.

The trouble was, I didn’t like the me that didn’t like children. She wasn’t who I was. She was grouchy and bitter, the kind of woman who gives childless women a bad name! But I couldn’t help myself.

Now that I’m back, I realize my anti-kid-ness was a defense mechanism, my psyche’s way of protecting me while I got on with my healing process. Children reminded me of what I didn’t have, and it hurt to be around them. So I stayed away.

During this whole process of coming-to-terms with my infertility, I’ll admit to many unpleasant emotions and thoughts I wouldn’t want to share with anyone. But that doesn’t make me bitter, it doesn’t make me dark, and it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It’s just part of the process of protecting ourselves until the hurt starts to subside.

Have you noticed changes in yourself as time passes? If your old self was lost for a while, have you seen glimpses of her return?

The Life Without Baby Holiday Companion is out tomorrow. In case you can’t wait, you can pre-order yours here.

It Got Me Thinking…About “Just” Having One

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods 

I’m at my wedding reception, all aglow in my big gown, overwhelmed (in a good way) by all the attention and love in the room. One of our guests comes up to me and says, “I’ve been watching you with your little nieces and nephews, and you’re so good with kids. Why don’t you have just one?”

Just what? Are you kidding me?! Like it’s so easy. Just like that, I’ll get pregnant, stay pregnant, pop it out, and the next 18-plus years will be a breeze.

The craziest part is when I told the story to my brand-new husband the next morning, he said, “Well, maybe we should try for a year and see what happens.” So much for all of our discussions about why we couldn’t have children (did I mention I was a 45-year-old first-time bride?) and why we wanted a family of two.

By the next day we were back to our senses and back on track to the beautiful life we’d planned together. Later I got to thinking about all the annoying “Just…” statements that people make. Like:

“Just adopt…just relax…just quit smoking…just get a job…just cut out sugar/carbs/fat/meat/anything that tastes good.”

Maybe I’m just feeling feisty today, but I’m pretty sick and tired of people—especially people who don’t know me well—who offer unhelpful advice. You know what I’d really like to say to them? “Just shut the f— up!”

Just in time for the not always happy holidays, Lisa Manterfield and Kathleen Guthrie Woods are releasing Life Without Baby Holiday Companion, a collection of classic blog posts that offer inspiration and encouragement for getting through the season when you’re childfree. The book will be available here on this site next Tuesday! 

Childless by Choice, Chance, or Circumstance

choiceWhen I first began this blog, my mission was to create a safe community for women who don’t have children, “whether by choice, chance, or circumstance.” My intention was to be inclusive, but in some ways, that definition only perpetuates the stereotypes that society puts on us: if you don’t have children you either couldn’t, made lifestyle choices and ran out of time, or chose not to bother.

In reality, it’s never so simple as that.

I am infertile. There is no question that my body wasn’t able to reproduce of its own accord and I am childless by circumstance, but that doesn’t mean that choice and chance didn’t have a hand in it too.

Having children was always my plan for as long as I can remember, but in my teens I chose not to have children by practicing the safe sex tactics that had been drilled into me by sex education programs, friends’ dire warnings, and startling stories in teen magazines—that and a healthy smattering of blind dumb chance.

In my early 20s I chose a career over motherhood; there was a great big world and a great big me to explore before I settled down into the role of mother.

In my early 30s I was ready, but chance worked against me by tempting me with a potential mate who turned out to not want kids. At the time, I didn’t have the means or the guts to do it alone.

Finally, in my mid-30s, I met Mr. Fab and set out to become a mother. But circumstance prevailed and I wasn’t meant to have a child easily or naturally. It wasn’t that I didn’t choose motherhood, more that motherhood didn’t choose me.

So, I had another choice to make. Given medical intervention, sufficient high-powered drugs, enough attempts, and sufficient money to do them all, motherhood might have been an option for me. Given enough time and emotional stamina, adoption might have worked out, too.

But I chose not to keep pursing fertility treatments; I chose not to hire someone to produce a baby for me; and most of all, I chose not to sacrifice my marriage for the sake of an endless quest for motherhood. I made a choice that was right for me, so does that mean I am childless-by-choice?

The problem with labels is that they’re one-size-fits-all. But when it comes to not having children, we really come in all shapes and sizes, don’t we?

What choices did you make on your journey? Do people make assumptions about why you don’t have children?

It Got Me Thinking…About “All Saints Day”

Girl ThinkingBy Kathleen Guthrie Woods

Today in my corner of the world is All Saints’ Day. It’s not one of the so-called Hallmark holidays, or one of those we group into The Holiday Season, but it has its place. Different rituals are performed, depending upon your faith, and some of those rituals are based on ancient traditions that center around appeasing the “malevolent and restless spirits” of the recently departed. I mostly think of it as a day of remembrance, a day when I light a candle, cry a few tears, and offer up prayers of thanksgiving in memory of friends and family members.

In the past 10 months, we’ve lost some notable cheros (heros who happen to be childfree) including revered actor Richard Griffiths (perhaps most widely known as Harry Potter’s Uncle Vernon), Muriel Siebert (the first woman to buy a seat on the New York Stock Exchange), and Helen Thomas (a news correspondent who covered the White House from the Eisenhower to the Obama administrations). Closer to home, I lost a chero who had been part of my life for 20+ years (read my post about her here), and I’ve supported friends as they’ve grieved the passings of parents and siblings.

I think there’s more to this day, though, especially for those of us who are childfree not by choice. Some of us are grieving the heartbreaking losses brought on by failed IVF procedures and miscarriages. All of us our grieving the losses of long-held dreams. While I won’t try to sugarcoat our very real pain, I would like to suggest that today is a good day to start letting them go. I plan to light a candle, sit in prayer, and try to release some of the restless spirits that I’ve carried with me for so long. I don’t expect my world to change overnight, but I do hope to experience a little more acceptance and maybe even some grace.

I wish peace, acceptance, and grace for you too, dear sisters.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status. 

Halloween Without Children

jack o lanternThis week it’s Halloween and I know it can a tough time for many of you.

There’s the threat of a constant parade of cute munchkins at your door, the inundation of kid photos on Facebook, and, of course, it marks the start of the holiday season, which is never an easy time if you don’t have children.

So, how are you handling it?

Do you turn out the lights and pretend you’re not home? Do you make alternative plans to be out of the house? Or are you ready to embrace the festivities, just in your own way?

I’m going to be out of town this year, so plan to go out to dinner with Mr. Fab and take Halloween as it comes, if it comes to me at all. If I were home, I’d possibly do the same, but have some treats on hand in case of early callers.

In the past, I’ve hidden with the lights off on those years I wasn’t ready to face it. I’ve also decked out the lawn, bought a cauldron of sweeties, and fully embraced other people’s children (although I’ll admit there was more of the former before I could muster the strength for the latter.)

So, what’s your plan this year? How do you feel about the holiday and what’s your strategy for getting through it?