filling the silence in the motherhood discussion
This is week I have a number of whines, none of which I’m willing to verbalize on a public forum, because they all involve people I know and like, and would hate to hurt. (Sometimes I wish I blogged anonymously, though.)
But, it is Whiny Wednesday and your chance to vent, so go for it. And just know that I’m stomping and venting to myself over here, too.
By Justine Brooks Froelker, LPC, CDWF-Candidate
Battling through IVF and learning to accept a childfree life means we are faced, sometimes daily, with uncomfortable social situations and questions about our motherhood status and how we got here. It also means the wounds of infertility, especially in the beginning when things are completely raw, continue to be open, gaping wounds. And at times, it can feel like society callously pours salt into us over and over.
Infertility, IVF, pregnancy loss and childfree acceptance are some of the most shamed words in our lexicon. The blogging universe has helped move us past this shame in many ways; however we have a long way to go in my opinion. My blog, Ever Upward, is my story; completely honest, completely open and without much shame…anymore at least.
Owning my story, completely and out loud, for the world to read has changed my life. My healing journey continues to improve and I am making connections with so many people all over the world. However, I completely understand and get that this is not how most of us going through infertility and childfree acceptance feel. However, I would like to offer a permission for all of us.
No apologies.
If you aren’t ready for that baby shower, politely decline. If your friend only talks about her brand new baby or her kids, respectfully ask her about something else in her life or bravely ask her to stop. Or simply greatly limit your time with her. Only you know what you are ready for with wherever you are in your journey. Give yourself permission to ask for what you want and need and to set boundaries. And do it without apology, especially to yourself.
As I write, I am headed home from my certification training with The Daring Way™ based on the research of Brené Brown. Through my work in the last 5 days I have learned more about my shame surrounding my IVF journey. Of course the misunderstandings and judgments that society and others have surrounding infertility can make shame envelope me so quickly that I completely shrink. But, through my work I also learned that at times I shut myself down in telling my full story because I know it is difficult for others to hear. Not only do they not want to discuss shamed infertility but they also don’t want to have to feel how sad my story is. Or how much they wish I could be a mother because they know I’d be a great mother. I find that I quiet myself and don’t share because I shield myself from feeling shame by people pleasing and caretaking, not wanting someone I care about to feel any pain, let alone my pain.
But, I also silence myself because I really don’t want their fucking sympathy.
I hopefully yearn for their empathy, and one day their understanding.
In the light filled spirit that has washed over me after learning the curriculum of The Daring Way™ I am filled with courage and hope. I will no longer shy away from my story, ever. I will practice my shame resilience. I will stop making apologies to society, to my friends and family, but most of all to myself.
So without any apology:
I am Justine.
I tried IVF two times with a gestational surrogate, and for us two times is enough and one more time than we really could afford both financially and emotionally.
I can’t have kids.
I tried very hard to be a mother.
I paid a lot of money to be a mother.
And, I put my body (and my surrogate’s body) through hormonal hell to have a baby.
But they were never my babies to love here on earth.
I know that adoption isn’t for me.
And so I work, sometimes every minute of every day, to accept my childfree life and to let go of my childlessness.
And I will no longer silence myself because my story is sad or scary for anyone, as I will no longer allow shame to steal my true self.
Because, this is my ever upward.
No apologies.
Justine Brooks Froelker is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator-Candidate (based on the research of Brené Brown) with a private practice in St. Louis, Missouri (www.jbftherapyandcoaching.com). In February 2011, her husband and she began their journey in the world of IVF. 2 rounds of IVF with a gestational surrogate, 2 transfers, 3 babies never to be born and learning to accept a childfree life later, Ever Upward is conceived.
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Lisa and I had a scheduling meeting earlier this year and she reminded me that my column would fall on Valentine’s Day.
“I hate Valentine’s Day” came out of my mouth before I could stop myself.
Hearts, flowers, chocolates…pfft! Even though I am now enjoying a loving relationship with a generous partner, there’s still a part of me that carries sensory memories of lonely, miserable holidays, some while I was single and some while I was in less-than-happy relationships. It’s another one of those events (the prom, New Year’s Eve) that never seems to live up to the hype and, well, I hate it.
So. In the spirit of serious attitude adjusting, I decided to find something fun about this bittersweet day. Here’s some of the random Valentine trivia I discovered:
Valentine Tapley
For more trivia, check out sites here, here, and here.
Whether you choose to celebrate—or ignore—today’s holiday, I wish you love and chocolate. Kiss kiss!
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Sick of the sight of red and pink yet? Given that I spotted the first Valentine’s Day swag in the stores right after Christmas, I certainly am.
So, Valentines Day: Love it? Hate it?
Today’s Whiny Wednesday and your chance to vent.
Here’s how I know I was supposed to have kids:
I am totally unable to cook for only two people.
Even though I was one person for a long time and my family has been two for over a decade, I still cook for a family of five. There are always leftovers in my fridge and I often turn the remnants of one meal into something different.
Maybe it’s because I grew up in a family of five and learned to cook for five that I can’t seem to downsize my portions. Or maybe there’s just a part of me that’s pure old-fashioned mother and wants to feed everyone. “Eat, eat! How are you going to grow big if you don’t eat?”
Well, Mr. Fab and I are growing big on my cooking, and now that my mother is visiting, I’ll be fattening her up to.
Do you have a maternal instinct that you can’t seem to shake off?
Someone backed their car or truck into mine in the Target parking lot the other week. They scraped my bumper, broke a tail light, and left. No note, no apology, no phone number.
Fortunately for me, a few days later Mr. Fab had a altercation with a concrete post, so the broken light is nothing compared to the giant scrape in my door. Sigh.
It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s causing you to shake your head in dismay this week?
Last week I was checking out the stats on this blog and noticed a series of periodic spikes in visitors. When I dug a little deeper, I discovered that each spike coincided with Whiny Wednesday! I guess we all need a place to gripe now and then.
So, again, it’s Whiny Wednesday. If you have something on your mind, please share it here. I promise you, you won’t be alone!
By Kathleen Guthrie Woods
Nine womb-less women in Sweden received transplants from relatives in hopes that they will be able to give birth to their own children.
Premise for a sci-fi blockbuster movie? Nope. True story. You can read the article here.
I read the article with mixed feelings. I felt so sad for the recipients, having a sense of what they’d been through to get to this point. I thought about the ethics and wondered if, maybe, their lack of wombs isn’t part of Nature’s plan for population control (yes, I know that’s not a nice thought, but it’s honest). I wondered who would put themselves through this crazy experimental procedure, then I thought about all of the women I know who would drink, inject, or believe anything in hopes of having their miracle babies. I wondered if I had been in their shoes, if I had the means and opportunity, would I have signed up?
Would you?
Maybe this will be the answer to so many women’s desires to have children, and I hope for the best possible outcome. At the same time, I fear what kind of new baby-making industry (and related scams) might result from success.
I hope women—and their partners—read the fine print and weigh the possible win with the possible side effects and risks: blood clots, high blood pressure, diabetes, some types of cancer, transplant rejection. I also found the closing line of the article chilling: “…there are no guarantees (that the women will have babies)…what is certain is that they are making a contribution to science.”
Both my husband and I had to have surgery in the last six months. We are lucky to be healthy, but I have to tell you, recovery was a bitch. Elective surgery? No way. Possibly sacrifice my health to contribute to science? Um, no. But to maybe have a baby? Maybe.
What do you think?
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
During the recent Polar Vortex that hit much of North America, I went for a walk at the beach. In a t-shirt. And broke a sweat.
There are many things to grumble about when you live in California—the traffic, the air quality, the lack of trees—but the weather isn’t one of them.
It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’m feeling pretty lucky this week. How about you? If there’s something on your chest, now’s the time to get it off.
It’s the first Whiny Wednesday of 2014 and it feels like weeks since we had the chance for a good vent.
If you’ve been saving up your holiday gripes, or if you have a shiny set of new gripes for this year, bring it on, my friends!
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