I’m sick today. But I’m now a blogger and bloggers blog, so here I am. Trouble is, my head feels as if it’s about to explode and every time I raise my hands above the keyboard to type another sneeze hits me. So now it’s 11:15 here on the West Coast and, even though I’ve been “preparing to write” since 7 this morning, I still can’t think of anything interesting to write about.
So will you help me please?
What’s on your mind today? What are you thinking about? What issues are you dealing with as a childless or childfree person?
Please share your thoughts with me as I have no clear ones of my own.
Thanks,
Lisa
I’m having a hard time being friendly with my coworkers again after my horrible year of infertility last year. I feel like most of them turned their backs on me in my time of need last year, and now that they know we won’t be having kids ever, it feels like they judge me as somehow less than they are (they all either have kids already or are planning to have them). I know some of this is perceived by me and possibly not have they actually feel, but it’s hard to bridge the gap that is now there.
Julie, I’d like to say it does get easier. I’ve had those thoughts that people judge me. And eventually I realised that the only reason I thought that was because I in fact thought that. If you know what I mean? We torture ourselves, and imagine that other people are thinking the worst things we think about ourselves. I’ve really had little evidence that others do in fact judge us, and you know why? They actually don’t think about us very often. They’re so wrapped up in their own worlds, and what little Johnny is doing, or how they’re going to pay the mortgage, or lose the weight, or look after their aging parents, that our problems don’t even make their radar screen. So they’re not likely to be judging us, and it also explains how they can have hurt us (completely unintentionally) when we needed their support. I have no idea if that makes it better or worse for you. A bit of both I suspect. It’s helped me to realise there’s nothing malicious
As for me, I’m planning my Christmas vacation. And thrilled to know I can do what I want (well, within reason, and finances/husband willing) and I am not in any way constrained by not having kids. So we’re going to fly out on Christmas day, spend two weeks in gorgeous Thailand, at resorts we wouldn’t/couldn’t stay in if we had kids.
PS. Lisa. Get well soon.
Mali, I think this is spot on. I think you’re absolutely right about people not even thinking about us. And I think we do project our own feelings onto them.
Julie, I’m not sure how this helps you one bit, but I will throw it out as a topic and maybe someone can come up with an idea.
When I was going through infertility treatment, I was consumed by the overwhelming need for a child. That was 5 years ago and I can say finally say that desire has lessened over time. I never thought it would but it did, indeed. And I now find myself more content than ever. But my struggles with infertility don’t center on that need for a child anymore. They have shifted to the constant worry and outright fear I have over who will take care of me when I am old. I know there is no guarantee that children will take care of their parents. But I still wonder who will help me in my most vulnerable years. I’m trying to train myself to live in the present moment, for as Eckhart Tolle reminds us, the present moment is all we ever have. Instead of wishishing I could let go of the past, I find myself wishing I could let go of the future.
Hey, Lisa! I’m a little late (and a dollar short?) but wanted to answer the call…not that I necessarily have any great ideas, but I *want* to help. Hee hee. And I’ve been wanting to comment on the whole weeks’ posts, and not meaning to be silent, I’ve just been working too much and feeling guilty when not at work because my cats are feeling neglected.
Karin brings up something I’ve thought of too – who will take care of me? Which is funny in a way because my parents are way more stable financially than I probably will ever be, as are both my younger siblings (both of whom have young children). I’ve always felt I could think of nothing more important than to be there for my parents if they needed me. And maybe because I’m the one with no human children, I will be able to. Other than feeding my cats, I have no huge demands (though I panic about money constantly) and since my parents own their home I could probably arrange a way to care for them as a live-in. Hopefully it will never come to that, but I’m quite okay with the thought of perhaps being able to give something back since it wasn’t grandchildren or an impressive career.Funny that not having achieved “success” as I thought it was defined may have freed me to take care of what I really value.
For now I am grateful that I can just enjoy my parents’ company (and I do!) and escape with them sometimes to lovely wanderings, with no feeding or naptimes or soccer practice to bind us. I love my nieces and nephews, but sometimes it’s nice to be the “adult” escape for Mum and Dad!
OH, and feel better, Lisa! I sympathize. Finally getting over my own ickiness of last week…
I’m trying to get through what is something like threatening burn-out-syndrome… My last 1,5 years was so emotionally exhausting – startin fertility treatment, having it stopped by my boyfriend, trying to find a new starting point together, splitting up, moving house, all the while trying to come to terms with the fact that my chances of having a baby are getting smaller by the day just because of circumstance – and still trying to keep up a job where i have lots of responsibility. I’m just exhausted now. I went to see a counsellor the day before yesterday and she said quite directly that i am putting my health at risk here and should take a break or have a doctor put me on sick leave for 1, 2 weeks or so… but i feel i can’t do that, there’s all this important stuff i’m supposed to do at work, private engagements i really want to do (and can’t draw back from, either) and so on… i’m just trying to look after myself, go to bed early and try to live through this till i can take some holiday around christmas….
Hey Mina. A lot of us here have been on that rollercoaster and it’s really hard to get off, especially as you’re watching that window of opportunity get smaller. But if you burn out you’re going to be forced to put all that on hold anyway. If you can find a way to step back just for a while and catch your breath, you’ll feel so much stronger to step back in and face it again. At least that’s been my experience. Sending good wishes your way.