In her blog Baptism By Fire, Wolfers wrote a wonderful post about our emotional attachment to clutter, and how she wasn’t yet ready to let go of her baby-related items.
It’s been a couple of years already since I reached the point of being ready to let go of my baby clutter, so I was surprised by the emotions that stirred up when I read her post.
As I never actually became pregnant, I accumulated only a few baby items. It took me several years before I had the courage to say goodbye to them, but when I did let them go, it was sad, but not difficult. I was ready.
The things that brought on the strongest wave of emotions were all the books I’d bought over the years as I’d tried to uncover the magic formula to my fertility. I had books on Chinese medicine, diet, mindfulness, you name it, and I can remember feeling so angry when I put them in the donation box. I felt as if I’d been taken for a ride by these authors who had promised me a miracle. I felt duped and cheated—and really, really mad.
They’re out of my life now and largely out of my mind, but even though they’re gone, they’ve still left a mark where they used to be. And sometimes that mark gets sore again.
What have you held onto and what have you been able to let go?
We probably have those same Chinese medicine books. :/ When we first started TTC, I purchased three rolls of Beatrix Potter wallpaper and made plans for the nursery. I can’t get rid of them. I have them in the bottom of my cedar chest with my bridal veil and the ultra sound pictures of a baby we miscarried very early. We moved recently and I came across a lot of other things I had forgotten I had. I still had a yoga for pregnancy dvd. I had no problem tossing that. But we had planned to home school our children so I had my Charlotte Mason handbook, a vintage book on finger plays, and a few other things I thought our children would enjoy. I set them in the “give away” pile, and then took them out. I just wasn’t ready. I still feel like they are four “our” children and I don’t want someone else using them.
I’ve given most items away. There are a couple of things, a little dress that was mine as a child, and a tiny bonnet, that i just can’t let go of. My niece is having children now. She has two girls and probably will have more, but i just don’t think she’d appreciate these items and all the love and hope and wishes behind them. I’m not close to her, and i just don’t think she’d ever care about them the way i do.
I still have other baby things in the house – things i have to make for other people’s babies, but they haven’t any meaning for me. They are just here, waiting for other people to have kids.
The sad thing is, people rarely let me know if they appreciate them, so i’m kind of ready to let go of them, too.
I’ve already donated all the kid books I had been saving since college. I still have a UCLA onesy that I want to give to a worthy Bruin. I’ve also kept all the leftover infertility med supplies, instructions, bottles. Not sure why I’ve kept them.
I still have all of my meds and needles too. Up until we moved last fall, my trigger shot was still wrapped in a brown paper bag on the bottom shelf of the fridge. My cycle was canceled. When I called back to reschedule as instructed, they refused to return my phone calls. 🙁 It caught me so off guard I didn’t know what to do. So I just kept the junk. Looking back, I wish I had bundled the stuff up, made a trip to the clinic, and left it on the desk of the receptionist.
I still have:
– the stick from the pregnancy test
– photos of my bump growing over the weeks
– a bag used during injections that I now use as a toiletry bag
– stuffies given as gifts when I first announced I was pregnant
What I’ve gotten rid of:
– every book, article, phone number, reminder of my fertility journey
I want some reminders that I WAS pregnant…twice.
I have some clothes and booties and a gown that were hand made for me when I was a baby and I always wished I could put them on my baby.. I just can’t let go of it cos I feel like if I give it away- I’m loosing hope..
I had lots of catalogues from Babies R Us and Pottery Barn Kids with all kinds of stuff circled. In one of them I had a list of things I would need for a nursery. I threw those out pretty soon after realized I wouldn’t need any of it. I still get e-mail from PBK, which I have had to label as spam more than once. I gave away my copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” which I picked up at a library sale a few years before I miscarried. I still have “Taking Charge of Your Fertility,” because it’s really helpful just in terms of tracking and understanding my cycles. I am seriously thinking of getting rid of all my own stuffed animals, which I had saved for whatever child might come along. We’ve also started the family heirloom purge–giving my share of things from my grandparents to my sisters. On the one hand, it’s nice to have those reminders, but I have no one to pass them to, and currently, they just sit there, gathering dust, in my spare room (which would be more useful as an office, I think).
I haven’t gotten rid of anything, but I have put things away and out of sight. The books, thermometer, paperwork from doctors’ visits, etc. are all in the bottom of my cedar chest (which seems to be a popular place). I never collected baby clothes or items because I never got pregnant and didn’t want those around as a reminder of what I didn’t have or couldn’t get. I was given a used set of baby monitors at some point and they eventually were put in a give-away bin. I was also given a baby teething toy in the shape of my favorite animal (moose) and I really don’t know what happened to it. It may be at the bottom of the cedar chest as well.
The only books/paperwork that are still out in plain sight have to do with adoption since we haven’t made a final decision on that yet.
I finally gave away all the toddler clothes and toys my 5 year old step-son had outgrown. I was saving them for the day my husband and I had a baby together. The only thing I couldn’t let go was the little jean overalls that I loved and had been the first thing I had purchased for my step-son when he was a toddler. It was very hard, but at the same time it allowed me to finally let go and accept that it’s not going to happen, that we will never use those things again. As I was packing the clothes and toys up my step-son asked why I was sad, I told him “I’m not able to give you a baby brother or sister”, he replied with a smile on his little face “I am your baby, we don’t need another one.” His statement made my broken heart feel a little less broken.
All my leftover unexpired meds and needles were given back to the fertility center for someone who could use them (especially those who can’t afford them). I had my husband drop them off since I couldn’t handle going back inside.
I’ve kept my children’s books as well as a few other items that I keep in a basket for any visiting kiddies. I don’t want my house to be a Boring Adult House, plus I love books, whether they’re for children or adults.
I donated the few baby items I had bought. I kept only one item, a onesie that says “Worth the Wait” on the front. It hurts to see it, but it hurts less over time, and it’s become a bittersweet thing. I’ve felt that it’s important to keep a momento or artifact from that time in my life. It holds meaning and represents a particular hope and dream for my life. It may not have come true, but it was still so important, and it documents that part of my life, that part of who I am. So it’s tucked away.
Just left this past Monday I donated all of my infertility books. I am happy I no longer have them in my house to remind me of that sad part of my life.
I have a few baby things taking up space in a spare closet that I never really thought about until now. It was just there for when I had kids – that day never came, so I guess I should think about the purge myself. Some of it is sentimental, like a baby sweater that my grandmother knitted many years ago. I kept from giving to my sister for her daughters, foolishly thinking I’d have my own. Oh and the books on fertility and infertility! I could start my own bookstore!
I am slowly getting rid of things that I kept for when I had kids of my own. Some things have a great deal of sentimental value, like my Girl Scout mess kits, and some jewelry from when I was a child. I gave some of those things to the daughters of a dear friend. She knows how much they mean to me, and she treated them as “special” gifts when I gave them to her girls. Other things I have donated.
I am slowly getting rid of the fertility stuff–the books, the medications, the few things I got in preparation for being pregnant. Sometimes getting rid of things is cathartic, but sometimes it’s painful. I still have the things I had planned to hand down to my children (family heirlooms), although I sometimes wonder what is the point of me having them if I can’t pass them down to my own children.
Right after my miscarriage, I threw away my books. I still remember the pain of seeing them at the bottom of the trash can – like it was the final nail in the coffin. Then a few months later after that, I found the baby onesie I bought when I was pregnant the one and only time and how sad I felt watching it fall into the trash. There were some toys I was holding onto with the thought I would pass them on to my children. Instead, I decided to give them away to my siblings children. I had a bunch of dolls my brother bought for me when I was 8 years old while he was serving in the military in Europe. I gave them to his daughter when she graduated college along with letters he wrote to me and she really appreciated them. I kept all my childhood diaries because I thought it might help my children to understand me if they could read my feelings as a child. Those were the hardest to let go of but I threw them away as a symbolic act of letting go of the pain of my childhood. Every once in a while I find an old toy and I think who can I give this to within my family, and it longer hurts me when I give it away. I guess that’s a good thing. Seeing how much my nieces and nephews appreciate getting them really makes me feel loved. The one thing I still have is my christening outfit. I can’t throw it away. If I know someone who needs it, I will give it away.
I’ve kept, and will keep, all my diaries from the time. I hadn’t bought much in preparation. I bought a What to Expect when you’re Expecting when my second pregnancy was looking positive. I gave that away a few years later, and asked the recipient simply to give a donation to the ectopic pregnancy website where we met. I also gave to my nieces and nephews some Christmas stockings – wrote about that here = http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2012/09/christmas-stockings.html
I have one or two little things left – kept toys for kids who visit, and I have something from Thailand that had meaning for me. I really should give it away, but it won’t mean anything to anyone else. So it is my sole remaining item of clutter.
What I have found is that 10 years after my second loss, I don’t need anything to remind me I was pregnant, or to remember what I’ve been through. Those memories are with me all the time – but they aren’t a burden any longer. It’s just part of what has made me who I am, along with my farm childhood, my student exchange and my diplomacy experiences.
I gave away the adoption books that I had. I destroyed the pictures and proposals of the two children we thought we might adopt. We fortunately didn’t buy anything else. All my old toys, blankie, and rocking chair were destroyed by the damp in the attic years ago so that was when I grieved for those.
The amazing kid books and coloring stuff stays. I love reading them. The Crayola is fun as well.
I gave away the babies clothes to a charity shop. My dh suggested we gave them to friends but I could not bear the thought of seeing others babies wear those clothes. I think I may still have some books in the loft, some miscarriage books are on the shelf – I guess they should also go.
We know when the time is right to give these things away but it is hard to say goodbye to those dreams….
It’s a big, big thing in Asian culture (Sri Lankan in my case, but I think the same applies in India) not to buy anything for a baby until it’s born. My (then) partner is a Kiwi and his parents and friends did buy us toys and baby-clothes the first two times I was pregnant – A got rid of them all, and all my maternity clothes, at some point after we stopped TTC but I don’t know when and where. But I have kept positive pee-sticks and ultrasound photos and videos – I can’t (and don’t want to) let them go.
I’m in the middle of getting rid of all my reminders. I started in March when we knew it was time to end this… I gave my books to a friend who was just starting to discover her infertility, along with all my OPKs and pregnancy tests. I didn’t have any baby clothes or furniture since I was never pregnant, but I’m slowly going through the house and finding things that I no longer “need” because they were never really for me… the Christmas lights we used to hang before holidays became painful, the tree and all the ornaments. Gifts from my first communion are going to God children. I kept a my shoes from when I was a baby to remind myself that I was “planned”, I don’t know why that was important, but it was. I’m contemplating getting rid of my wedding dress, but I might keep it for Halloween purposes, it has a huge stain on it. The worst thing that has happened in all of this was when I took a huge load of things to Goodwill and my favorite childhood toy accidentally went in with the donations, it was supposed to go to my best friend’s baby. I cried for hours. There is still so much more I need to get rid of. I had no idea how much I picked up in anticipation of my “some day” family. It hurts. Thanks for this post.