“I have to spend all day Saturday at soccer games. Gag!”
“I hate wasting weekends at my kid’s swim meets.”
“Wanna trade places with me?”
I’ve heard every variation of the above from friends who for whatever reason think it’s okay to complain to me about the “burdens” of being a parent. My responses have ranged from “Sounds like fun to me!” to “Dogs are so the way to go.” to “I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat.”
I don’t use that last one very often because it pretty much shuts down the conversation, but when I do, I hope it makes them think. It’s bad enough that this person is complaining about something s/he had to know about before signing up for the whole parental gig, and don’t even get me started if this ding-dong complains in front of their sweet child. Most of all, I wish they’d think for a moment about their chosen audience: childfree-not-by-choice woman who loves kids.
I loved playing sports as a kid, I was thrilled when my parents were on the sidelines cheering me on, I have great memories of those years, and I looked forward to the day when I could create similar memories with children of my own. Girl Scout leader, Team Mom, 3rd base coach—I woulda been all over it!
Maybe I don’t understand because I’m not a busy mom, but I do understand how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of a busy mom’s thoughtless complaints.
Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She is mostly at peace with her childfree status.
Amelia says
I still remember a story my sister told when she was going through infertility. She was in the children’s section of a department store buying something for a friend’s baby shower. That in itself was hard enough, but as she was checking out, another woman in line was openly complaining about her child that was in tow and acting out. It really got to my sister, and after her purchase was made, she began to walk away. But then she turned around, walked up to the complaining mother, and said, “Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to have children. You should be very grateful that you have your child.”
Holly says
Awesome! I wish I could say that to a lot of people.
Gail says
I’ve even gotten those types of comments from men who are dads. I’ve been told that I can borrow their children for photography projects or take their kids sledding. It sucks. My women friends mostly understand that I am childless-not-by-choice, but the men don’t always get it.
Angela says
Yesterday, my co-worker complained about how she wanted to have a horse but couldn’t afford it because she had to spend so much money on her kids – violin lessons, soccer, school. “When is it my turn?!” she proclaimed. I didn’t know whether to feel sorry for her or not.
loribeth says
Believe it or not, dh & I get those comments & “you wanna take her??” questions from a couple we know through our support group, who adopted after infertility & loss. You would really think they, of all people, would know better… :p
Holly says
If a complaining parent goes far enough to say “Wanna trade places?” I definitely pull out the “I’d give ANYTHING to trade places with you!” card. I despise “wanna trade places?”!!!!! It actually kinda infuriates me. Especially when people know about my situation. Like, DUH! I’d LOVE to just be normal!!! Maybe not actually have kids (anymore) but be able to be normal and have the choice.
J Thorne says
We often get that “Want to borrow them?” comment. I think it could have two meanings – there is a person who is close to us who says it a lot and I think he does it to be kind in a way (strange as that may sound) because he says in in such a joking way that I don’t take offense to it. I think other people who say it are just insensitive and are making a dig at us because “we don’t understand how hard it is to raise children”. If people could only walk in our shoes, they would know better – but sadly, many of them don’t know better!
Brittany Kelly says
One day I had a fantasy of actually creating a room for my friends’ children so I actually could borrow their kids. I know some of them would gladly hand them over for a weekend because I really am like an auntie. So, I was discussing this with a friend and she said that maybe that was a little too desperate for children. I discussed it with another friend and she didn’t think it was such a bad idea. It made me chuckle for the humor of the situation. One thing I’ve learned is that maybe I appreciate other people’s children in a way that is special because I don’t have my own children. Parents don’t always have room for other people’s children in their hearts.
Illanare says
This happened to me for the eleventy-billionth time earlier this month. A friend (let’s call her that) offered to let me “borrow” her toddler because I was sad, marking the 4th anniversary of losing my daughter in my 18th week of pregnancy. Unbelievable!
bubli says
Wow. Just…wow.
IrisD says
I think parents say the “you want to take my kid” thing, because parenting can be exhausting…. and I mean this for parents who have full time jobs outside the home and come home to a bunch of chores, picking up and disciplining. According to studies, tedious housework is more enjoyable for parents than “disciplining” and other laborious dimensions of child-rearing. When I’m in one of my occasional angry/bitter moods, and I hear parents complain, I think: “Tough, deal with it.” I might be the only one here that feels this way, but hearing parents complain is the one moment I don’t feel envious. Maybe that’s mean, but it feels better than feeling sad over what I don’t have.
Maria says
I have my nephew at my house this week while his mom (divorced) is on vacation. It’s been a week of making his meals, cleaning up after him, getting him to bathe, and keeping him occupied all day. I know it’s only a week and maybe I would resent it after a long period of time. But I think it’s actually fun, and nice, and I really enjoy spending time with him. Maybe it’s because I can appreciate it a lot more than a full-time parent. Or maybe when I compare it to my job which is far more stressful and a much longer day, this honestly feel a lot easier. Either way, I have a lot I’m going to say to a parent if they start complaining to me. The first that comes to mind is, this job is easy if you have half a brain in your head, a lot of patience, and the desire to actually be a parent.
IrisD says
I never had an issue doing any of these things for my niece and nephew, and for my cousin’s little boy who is absolutely adorable and living with my parents at this time. But, I have seen kids throw tantrums that would turn my hair white. I have heard parents complain about things that are ridiculously silly, but I know others that have had it really tough.
Maria says
You are right. My sister has another son who has very serious mental health issues and I have had very bad experiences watching him. But he’s an exception to the case of parenting. All parents of children with disabilities get a pass.
IrisD says
I was not going to whine about this. So I skipped my own whine. But, Liz’s post today prompted me to come back to this page Thursday. I have a new little boy in my life, who is absolutely adorable! My cousin’s 3 year old who is now living with my parents, since my cousin and his wife just moved to the U.S. and are not settled yet. We were talking the other evening about how we had both gotten “childhood diseases” late in life, and she mentioned that she had gotten the mumps when she was 7 months pregnant. It was an extremely mild and shortly lived case, but her friend, who is a doctor, told her that the absolute worst that could happen is that her son would be sterile. I couldn’t say anything. My cousin’s husband reached for the little kid, picked him up and squeezed him and said, “Nah… He’s a Man.” So many emotions ran through me… concern for the little boy and hope that he would not have to go through the pain of infertility; a desire to tell the parents that even if this was the worst case situation, he would be alright; and then deeply disturbed by my cousin’s words. I know that in that moment, he simply meant to block out negative thoughts and worries, but… what came out of his mouth was so disturbing in so many ways. I wanted to tell him that being a man is not just about fathering children. I wanted to tell him, that if in that very mild possibility that his son would not be able to father biological children, that it would be very helpful to him if his father did not hold such attitudes. I wanted to tell him/them, that each human being is worth more than their ability to procreate. Guess this is why Liz’s spot Thursday got to me. Because I do think that parents view themselves as more important than the rest of us and that is really disturbing to me.