Last week I wrote about learning to ask for help and several of you commented that you’d had the good sense to seek professional help when you needed it.
One of the things I’m aiming to do on this site is to provide information about resources and support, and this is where I need your help.
On the Learn page you’ll see a section call Therapist Directory. You’ll also see a big blank space and “Coming Soon!” I need your help filling in those blanks.
Have you worked with a therapist or counselor who really understood the special issues of dealing with unplanned childlessness or infertility?
Do you know of support groups in your area that help women come-to-terms with being unable to have children?
Do you have a resource for grief support?
If you have kind of resource that might benefit others, please share it here. You can add it to the comments on this post, or if you’d prefer, you can contact me privately through the Contact page.
When you’re facing a life without children, sometimes it’s impossible to know where to turn. We can all help one another by sharing whatever resources we find.
This is great, Lisa. I would really be interested in obtaining information about support groups. Also, what about a place in the forums for some of us to try and meet up? Maybe that’s already there and I didn’t see it. For example, not only would I be interested in a support group in my town, but I would be interested in connecting with other folks from here that might live in my state or in the same town.
Thank you for all you do.
I’m afraid I don’t have any resources except for this wonderful site, but just wanted to say that because of what I went through, I think this is a brilliant idea. My poor husband didn’t know who to turn to, and even though we considered going to a Christian therapist several times, (a) we kept thinking we couldn’t afford it, and (b) we just didn’t know where to look.
I have been passing your website on to other infertile women I’ve come to know, because after many months filled with frustration and unbelievable grief, the words of all women here allowed me to identify with others, express my anger and sadness, and hope for a better time in our lives.
Thanks, Lisa!
I attended a if group at a Barnes And Noble a few times. It was not what I thought it would be . The women that attended were actively ttc. I want to belong to a group that is not ttc anymore in New Jersey.
I would love to find a support group in NJ. Everything I have found so far is to help people while they are TTC. There is nothing beyond this site. I started to see a therapist after my father died and the infertility came up. She thought the cure was to push me toward adoption. I haven’t been able to find a therapist who knows how to deal with people trying to move on.
I live in Union County. Where do you live?
I live in Union County too! Kenilworth. Where do you live?
I live in Cranford. We are neighbors. If you ever wanted to get together at a coffee shop, etc. I am available to chat.
My house is a block from the border of Cranford. I’m so glad we found each other. I would love to meet for coffee – Rock n Joes?. I will try and find you and send you a friend request.
Lynne – I couldn’t send you a friend request through the LWB community. E-mail me at [email protected] on how to contact you.
I have tried counseling a few times and for different reasons throughout my life. But, I guess I never felt I found the right fit, and since I had to pay from my own pocket, I ended up feeling that not only had I not gotten anything out of the sessions, but that I had spent what I really couldn’t afford to spend. A few years ago, I contacted this counselor (http://www.involuntarychildless.com/about.htm), but decided against it (for financial reasons, again).
As of a month or so ago, I’ve been trying to read up on books addressing spirituality. I was raised Catholic, my partner is Muslim, and I no longer feel comfortable in general in organized religion. I think that beneath the dogma of all faiths there is one underlying spiritual truth and I’m dedicating my time to reflect on this. So, I’ve been listening to Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and A New Earth (on audio from my library), and for the last month, I have been able to sleep uninterruptedly a good 7 hours (unheard of in the past 7 years or so when anxiety has dominated by evenings). I am reading The Four Agreements, and I’ve got a book by Seyyed Hossein Nasr, The Garden of Truth (which is on Sufism) to read next. I would appreciate it if others would share what they have read which is of a spiritual nature.
I love all books written by Thicht Nhat Hahn. My favorite is Jesus and Buddha as brothers. Or something like that. He also wrote, No Death No Fear, which is great on so many levels.
Thanks Maria. I read a small meditation book by Thicht Naht Hahn… I will look into those that you have recommended. Thanks!!
I too use blogs, reading articles/posts which help immensely. I also see a therapist, (from Oncology dept, since originally was seeing one when we all thought the tumor was likely cancerous- turned out it wasn’t- I kept the therapist anyway- she has experience with CNBC situations, so that helps.) There is two support groups here, but like one reader said, it’s TTC. I also had gone to a grief group, but it wasn’t the same… So here I am, reading your lovely blog and other wonderful bloggers’ articles. 🙂
For readings, I’d recommend “Grief and Powerless: Helping people regain control of their lives” ..there’s other books, too. I need to see if someone had made a list of recommendations for reading for us childless?
Thanks Wolfers! I think that through reading we can surround ourselves with words and visions that are positive and even if temporarily alter our frame of mind and our energy in a way that is better for all.
It doesn’t help everyone but I find blogging to be very therapeutic. You can have a private site if you don’t want to share with others but just need to get your thoughts out. It’s really helped me process and get through a lot. I am also seeing a professional therapist who specializes in grief and loss. Some insurances cover therapy and you only have to pay a co-pay. Just a few suggestions.
Agreed…even my therapist encourages me to continue blogging when I told her I write a blog. 😀 I agree with you- sometimes it’s very hard to write, but once you are done with that post, it’s like all emotions are out on the monitor (or paper), and one’s able to explore it from all sides, you know? Sometimes I find it liberating, getting anger and resentment out of me, no longer poisoning me. It certainly helped me let go of some expectations-
And another note for therapy- there is sliding fees for folks who don’t have insurances. There is also pastoral counseling. There can be free group support (grief/loss) as well.
I work with a therapist in OC, California.
We don’t deal with childlessness directly. Largely what i’ve been working on with him is male/female communication. Frankly, i think he should be required for every couple, or every person out there! I can’t believe i got to the age i am without ever knowing some of this!
My hubby is great at communication, and that is a large part of the success of our marriage. The doc in the office where i work is not. (I’m an independent contractor, so he isn’t my “boss.”)
I’ve learned so much from this therapist. It has made it easier in some ways to understand my co-worker, my husband, and other friends. In other ways it is a challenge because it is so foreign to how i think.
However, on childlessness, the therapist is not an expert. He did, however, say something that went a long way to helping me heal.
I am still not “over” the no children thing. Christmas was particularly hard. And a lot of babies being posted at FB, and all the posts about “If your daughter/son/grandchildren are the greatest thing in your life, repost this.” I find myself struggling to breathe when i come across these, sometimes. As a result, i will not repost “If your husband is . . . ” you know the words. Or even Sister/Brother/Niece/Nephew. Because i think if any of those people are that thing to you, YOU SHOULD TELL THEM!!! And because i know people who want a marriage like mine just as much as i desire a child. (Sorry for the digression.)
Anyway, i’ve been told over and over that i will “get over” the hurt of no children and that it won’t be as bad in time. Perhaps this is so, but i’ve been dealing with this for a long time and it still hurts a lot. This guy said to me, “That is a hole in your life that nothing will fill. You ‘get over’ the flu. Then you are the same after as you were before. You will not ‘get over’ not having a child. That hole doesn’t go away. You will eventually adapt. And it will still hurt at times. You’ll be bopping along and not thinking about it, and see a mama helping her child do – whatever – and it will catch you again. You learn to adapt, you put your life force elsewhere, but you do not ‘get over it.'”
Maybe this doesn’t sound encouraging, but i found it refreshing for someone to be honest with me. What he said resonates with me, and i’m actually doing a bit better not trying to force myself to “get over it.”
Kathyrn,
Wow, you definitely hit home with me. I would be fine for long stretches of time then all of a sudden cry uncontrollably when I’d see a pregnant woman, child, whatever. I’d think I was doing ok but realize that I hadn’t “gotten over it.” I always thought that time would heal all wounds, that eventually I wouldn’t have anything trigger the pain. But now I know that I need help to find my way through the grief/loss. So far, finding the “right” therapist in West LA is like going on expensive blind dates. I’ve met with one who was successful in ivf, a second who suggested that I “just adopt”, and another one during a Resolve support group who repeatedly TCC until she ultimately succeeded via a surrogate. You’d think with a name like “Resolve” that it would be a group that would help me find resolution. Instead it was about pushing me to continue TCC. If anyone knows a good therapist who “gets it”, I’d love to know.